Should I Give Myself A Diagnosis?
And if I admit to all of my problems, I'm afraid of the conclusions people will draw. Like your mother. That one time, when I was feeling awful and had to get off my feet and she told someone I was weak because of my raw diet. I was so angry. I just exploded. 'It is not!' I said. 'I used to be much worse! It's only because of this diet that I function at all!' ... The injustice of it! And my own brother had said something similar that same year. He said, 'You're just a weakling because of your raw diet.' Was he really completely oblivious to how much I'd struggled with my health my entire childhood?
.
"Wallaby says he has Parkinsons and that's it. I know what he has. I don't need to question him about it. If I want more information I can look it up," I said to Paladin.
.
He nodded in response, letting me express my thoughts as they came to me. He was understanding and patient in that way.
.
"If I had a diagnosis - something I've shunned - then I could just say what I have and people could understand without having to question me, and without dismissing me," I continued. "It's like when Cuttlefish asked me if I wasn't feeling well due to my sensitivities and allergies... I froze. I didn't want to answer that question, because any short response is a lie. I just said 'yeah' but that isn't really true."
.
Because, honestly, I didn't believe I had any allergies. I had things that gave me severe symptoms, but often the symptoms varied. It's not like I was getting a consistent rash in response to a certain food or condition. On the contrary, I found that my symptoms were highly conditional.
.
If I ate too many nuts specifically near bedtime and then slept in a room without fresh, outdoor air coming in, then I would get severe acid reflux in the night and morning, and I would feel fatigued, and I would be bloated and have gas. Yet if I didn't eat the nuts, maybe I'd just be a little tired. Yet if the window had been open, maybe I'd just have a little gas. Yet if I ate the nuts earlier in the day, then it might be as if I hadn't eat them in terms of reactions during the night.
.
Yet this honest self-evaluation of my symptoms and their causes was too complex to be understood by others. It had taken me a decade of experimentation to understand what was going on with me, and often minor aspects of what was happening would change. New factors would enter into the picture on a regular basis to further complicate things.
.
For example, I learned that soaking and rinsing the nuts thoroughly decreased the chances of responding to them negatively. And while all nuts gave me the potential for gas, constipation and acid reflux if I didn't get enough fresh air, upright digestion time and if I didn't soak them, I discovered that specific nuts gave me other symptoms in addition.
.
Walnuts, pecans and hazelnuts would do all of that, but they'd also give me painful lumps in my breasts. Then, I tired walnuts fresh out of the shell one day. I ate a whole lot of them. They tasted so much better, and looked different too. And whaddyaknow! No reaction!
.
And so I concluded that it must be due to the freshness of the nuts, not the nut itself. After some reading, I put forward the idea that it was caused by toxins given off by molds that were present on the nuts, similar to the aflatoxin found on peanuts which is mold-produced.
.
"If I could say I had something specific, then maybe communication would be easier, and maybe people would take me more seriously," I said. My voice began to quaver as I went on, "But it'd be like admitting that I'm a lesser member of society. This whole time we've been here at Redbud Community I keep feeling like you and my dad are valuable, but like I'm just a drain on everyone."
.
Paladin stroked my leg and looked at me sympathetically. Tears were streaming down my face.
.
"And if I admit to all of my problems, I'm afraid of the conclusions people will draw. Like your mother. That one time, when I was feeling awful and had to get off my feet and she told someone I was weak because of my raw diet. I was so angry. I just exploded. 'It is not!' I said. 'I used to be much worse! It's only because of this diet that I function at all!' ... The injustice of it! And my own brother had said something similar that same year. He said, 'You're just a weakling because of your raw diet.' Was he really completely oblivious to how much I'd struggled with my health my entire childhood?"
.
I met Paladin's eyes and he said, "You wouldn't have to tell people in that way. Maybe you could present your symptoms and diet in a way that doesn't cause them to conclude that. You could say you're sensitive to fumes generated by cooking, as well as anything else that generates smoke. And you could say what symptoms you get, and then say that you have found that the diet you eat helps control the symptoms, as well as avoiding being around the fumes."
.
I nodded and sniffled, wiping tears from my face. "That's true. But I need a sound-byte explanation. I need a prepared answer. I can't just keep freezing when people ask me questions. I used to just answer the question, but now I just have so much fear around it." My voice began to shake again, and the shrill sound of my own words sounded painful to my own ears. "People ask questions, but they don't want the answers. I'd be fine giving them the answer, but they don't really want it. Every time I really explain, it just makes people unhappy!"
.
.
A few days later, on the first of June, my last week at Redbud community, I noticed I had song lyrics stuck in my head. They went, "I would walk one thousand miles if I could just see you - if I could just hold you - tonight." It was a song I had never intentionally listened to, and yet there it was in my head. I hadn't heard it in years. I had been ignoring it for days, as it seemed unrelated to my life.
.
But then, when laying on my bed, exhausted from too much computer work, it occurred to me that it was relevant, as all messages from the unconscious are: it was my unconscious missing me. It was a part of me reaching out and asking for me to come and meet it. It was telling me it would walk a thousand miles to get my attention! Oh how my unconscious craves my conscious attention, just like a child craving mommy's gaze!
.
Turning my focus inward, my insides felt warm and fuzzy. This is self-love, I thought.
.
It felt just as good as hearing Mermaid's voice on the phone the previous night as she told me how much she liked the painting I did of her. Paladin had remarked to my dad, "That's how Nuria gets all the chicks. By painting them." Although, honestly, it was the first time I'd painted a specific girl to try and impress her.
.
The previous night I had asked Paladin, "How do people manage to be single? There are so many single people. How do they stand it?"
.
But just for that moment, feeling warm and fuzzy on the bed that was mine for a time at Redbud Community, I understood the answer to my own question.
.
"Wallaby says he has Parkinsons and that's it. I know what he has. I don't need to question him about it. If I want more information I can look it up," I said to Paladin.
.
He nodded in response, letting me express my thoughts as they came to me. He was understanding and patient in that way.
.
"If I had a diagnosis - something I've shunned - then I could just say what I have and people could understand without having to question me, and without dismissing me," I continued. "It's like when Cuttlefish asked me if I wasn't feeling well due to my sensitivities and allergies... I froze. I didn't want to answer that question, because any short response is a lie. I just said 'yeah' but that isn't really true."
.
Because, honestly, I didn't believe I had any allergies. I had things that gave me severe symptoms, but often the symptoms varied. It's not like I was getting a consistent rash in response to a certain food or condition. On the contrary, I found that my symptoms were highly conditional.
.
If I ate too many nuts specifically near bedtime and then slept in a room without fresh, outdoor air coming in, then I would get severe acid reflux in the night and morning, and I would feel fatigued, and I would be bloated and have gas. Yet if I didn't eat the nuts, maybe I'd just be a little tired. Yet if the window had been open, maybe I'd just have a little gas. Yet if I ate the nuts earlier in the day, then it might be as if I hadn't eat them in terms of reactions during the night.
.
Yet this honest self-evaluation of my symptoms and their causes was too complex to be understood by others. It had taken me a decade of experimentation to understand what was going on with me, and often minor aspects of what was happening would change. New factors would enter into the picture on a regular basis to further complicate things.
.
For example, I learned that soaking and rinsing the nuts thoroughly decreased the chances of responding to them negatively. And while all nuts gave me the potential for gas, constipation and acid reflux if I didn't get enough fresh air, upright digestion time and if I didn't soak them, I discovered that specific nuts gave me other symptoms in addition.
.
Walnuts, pecans and hazelnuts would do all of that, but they'd also give me painful lumps in my breasts. Then, I tired walnuts fresh out of the shell one day. I ate a whole lot of them. They tasted so much better, and looked different too. And whaddyaknow! No reaction!
.
And so I concluded that it must be due to the freshness of the nuts, not the nut itself. After some reading, I put forward the idea that it was caused by toxins given off by molds that were present on the nuts, similar to the aflatoxin found on peanuts which is mold-produced.
.
"If I could say I had something specific, then maybe communication would be easier, and maybe people would take me more seriously," I said. My voice began to quaver as I went on, "But it'd be like admitting that I'm a lesser member of society. This whole time we've been here at Redbud Community I keep feeling like you and my dad are valuable, but like I'm just a drain on everyone."
.
Paladin stroked my leg and looked at me sympathetically. Tears were streaming down my face.
.
"And if I admit to all of my problems, I'm afraid of the conclusions people will draw. Like your mother. That one time, when I was feeling awful and had to get off my feet and she told someone I was weak because of my raw diet. I was so angry. I just exploded. 'It is not!' I said. 'I used to be much worse! It's only because of this diet that I function at all!' ... The injustice of it! And my own brother had said something similar that same year. He said, 'You're just a weakling because of your raw diet.' Was he really completely oblivious to how much I'd struggled with my health my entire childhood?"
.
I met Paladin's eyes and he said, "You wouldn't have to tell people in that way. Maybe you could present your symptoms and diet in a way that doesn't cause them to conclude that. You could say you're sensitive to fumes generated by cooking, as well as anything else that generates smoke. And you could say what symptoms you get, and then say that you have found that the diet you eat helps control the symptoms, as well as avoiding being around the fumes."
.
I nodded and sniffled, wiping tears from my face. "That's true. But I need a sound-byte explanation. I need a prepared answer. I can't just keep freezing when people ask me questions. I used to just answer the question, but now I just have so much fear around it." My voice began to shake again, and the shrill sound of my own words sounded painful to my own ears. "People ask questions, but they don't want the answers. I'd be fine giving them the answer, but they don't really want it. Every time I really explain, it just makes people unhappy!"
.
.
A few days later, on the first of June, my last week at Redbud community, I noticed I had song lyrics stuck in my head. They went, "I would walk one thousand miles if I could just see you - if I could just hold you - tonight." It was a song I had never intentionally listened to, and yet there it was in my head. I hadn't heard it in years. I had been ignoring it for days, as it seemed unrelated to my life.
.
But then, when laying on my bed, exhausted from too much computer work, it occurred to me that it was relevant, as all messages from the unconscious are: it was my unconscious missing me. It was a part of me reaching out and asking for me to come and meet it. It was telling me it would walk a thousand miles to get my attention! Oh how my unconscious craves my conscious attention, just like a child craving mommy's gaze!
.
Turning my focus inward, my insides felt warm and fuzzy. This is self-love, I thought.
.
It felt just as good as hearing Mermaid's voice on the phone the previous night as she told me how much she liked the painting I did of her. Paladin had remarked to my dad, "That's how Nuria gets all the chicks. By painting them." Although, honestly, it was the first time I'd painted a specific girl to try and impress her.
.
The previous night I had asked Paladin, "How do people manage to be single? There are so many single people. How do they stand it?"
.
But just for that moment, feeling warm and fuzzy on the bed that was mine for a time at Redbud Community, I understood the answer to my own question.