My New Girlfriend & Discovering The Root Of My Jealousy
She was crying at my birthday potluck with me on her right side and Thistledown on her left. Dolphin cries a lot at my gatherings. She's an emotionally loose cannon in some ways, but I love her for it. She makes me feel incredibly comfortable and safe by being so vulnerable.
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Thistledown had asked me what was different about my relationship with Paladin than with my past relationships. She has been probing this topic from various angles for a while, because her upbringing taught her that relationships were about being appropriate, sacrificing, and conventional. The idea of getting one's own needs met first and then doing everyone one could to serve one's partner was a novel idea to her when she met us.
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So I was seeking through my memories of Wolf, Dragon and Porcupine - the three loves I had prior to Paladin. I don't see my previous loves as failed relationships. They were just a success for a limited time, and then had to end. Whereas my success with Paladin has lasted three years longer thus far (we're in year five, whereas my three past loves each lasted two years give or take a few months).
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I told Thistledown as much and then explored the values I shared with my exes versus those I share with Paladin. I share my deepest values with Paladin, whereas I didn't with my exes.
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With Porcupine we shared great sex, a love of artwork, anime, gothic clothing and kink. But he didn't believe in caring for the planet, recycling, composting, gardening, or sharing one's deepest feelings.
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With Dragon we shared a common need for each other's emotional support and adoration, as well as spirituality. We meditated together. We also spent a lot of time smoking pot and watching stupid cartoons which wasn't my idea of a good time. Yet he was charismatic, and it took me a year and a half to break it off.
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With my first love, Wolf, we shared depth of expression and a love of games. But I was bad at being monogamous to him and cheated on him twice. He left me.
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I expressed all of this to Thistledown and more. I noticed Dolphin was unusual quiet. Sometime during my conversation with Thistledown about this Ficus arrived.
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Side note: Ficus means "fig tree". Fig trees are highly flexible and beautiful, and that is why I call this man Ficus. I call my the woman I was explaining this to Thistledown because she is soft in manner, tone and opinion. She is very kind.
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And somewhere in there, Dolphin bursts into tears. She expressed that she felt she'd never find anyone and that she hates answering match questions on OKCupid (which I thoroughly enjoy, personally). She expressed that she didn't want to treat finding someone like a job (like I did, prior to finding Paladin).
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Then she said, "I just have to resign myself to the ugly truth that nobody of value will ever have more than a platonic interest in me!"
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I was suddenly stung right through my heart, as if I'd been pierced by an arrow. Here was the woman I've been falling for hurting for her loneliness, right beside me. Could I really just let it go?
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I took her by the hand and said, "Come with me, there is something I want to show you."
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I led Dolphin from my living area into my bedroom, leaving Thistledown, Ficus and Paladin to talk among themselves.
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I hugged Dolphin tightly, always highly aware of her unusually large breasts. She's almost the inverse shape from Mermaid, who has such wide hips and full, strong thighs yet modest breasts no larger than my own.
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Dolphin cried and we held each other from a small distance so we could look into each other's eyes. "Do you love me?" I asked.
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She nodded vigorously and said "Yes," in a weepy voice.
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And then, holding her cheeks I kissed her. Not very deeply, but slowly and intimately. Lovingly, sweetly. She smiled at me. I smiled back at her and my heart fluttered in my chest.
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I don't recall what we said first, but after a few sentences of merry chatter and more hugging, I said excitedly, "Will you be my girlfriend?" And she said in high-pitched tones of joy, "Yes!"
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We took several minutes to cool down from all the heart flutters before returning to the potluck. Then we announced to Thistledown, Ficus and Paladin that we were going to be "slightly less platonic." I don't think they knew how to take this exactly, but they've been around for potlucks for about a year now, so they know I'm fairly unpredictable in terms of the things I decide to do and say at potlucks... Or maybe they just perceive me as predictably outrageous. [grins]
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Dolphin and I spent most of the weekend together. Board games on Friday, more games and a potluck yesterday (when this whole event happened), and then she slept over and we talked some more this morning.
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On Saturday we played Stone Age (after the announcement about being a new couple), a great board game. Thistledown and Paladin played as a team, as Thistledown is very shy about playing games.
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Thistledown and Paladin together makes me feel a bit awkward. Paladin loves her deeply. She's petite, blond, beautiful, shy, cute, courteous and shares his sense of ethics, correctness and honor. As you might imagine, these things are core to who my husband is, and that is why I call him "Paladin."
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I enjoy Thistledown's company and I consider her a dear friend... Yet we are very different women. She is humble, whereas I am flamboyantly self-absorbed. She is reserved, whereas I am an open-book. She is careful in what she says and does, whereas I am quicker to follow my inclination (whereas Dolphin is led by her heart almost unwillingly at times).
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This morning Dolphin told me she had picked up on my tension about Thistledown and Paladin and their connection. Thistledown wants to be monogamous and I don't think she sees Paladin as a possibility, but it is obvious they love each other and share a very strong bond. Even Paladin can tell, and he isn't always the quickest to perceive a woman's interest.
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Dolphin was able to perceive my jealousy, which surprised me, as I didn't think it was obvious. But Dolphin is very perceptive, so perhaps it shouldn't surprise me at all. She pointed out a bunch of things in my behavior from last night, and I felt a bit embarrassed.
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I wish I could just stop being jealous. Today I asked my unconscious, "Can we stop being jealous?"
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I heard a response inside my mind; "No."
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"Why not?"
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No response.
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"What would happen if I stopped being jealous?" I asked.
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Then I saw Paladin going off on a date with Dolphin without me. Me being home-alone and hurting. I felt my belief that this is what would happen if I stopped being jealous.
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But isn't that a self-creating feeling and situation? I asked myself. Wouldn't I be fine with him and her going on a date without me if I wasn't jealous?
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"No," I felt the response from within.
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"Why?" I asked myself.
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And then it all started to fit together... I've already figured out that I'm terrified of exclusion because I'm the one who excludes myself. I'm the one who locks up part of myself in cages and says they're not okay.
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Monogamy made me lock up part of myself, and that is why polyamory feels so much better.
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Being the wage-earner has caused me to lock up parts of myself, and that is why I feel this desperate need to go back to being a house-wife.
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And so that is why I feel so bitter about Paladin not being my supporter, because part of me blames him for parts of myself needing to be "locked up". And so I feel excluded because I'm excluding parts of myself. And so I'm terrified of exclusion. And being alone makes me feel excluded, especially when someone I care about is having fun with someone else, especially if the someone else is also someone I care about... Hence the intense pain of thinking of Oryx and Paladin together. Hence, the jealousy.
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And so now I'm fearing and yet hoping for Paladin and Dolphin to become an item. Dolphin is local, whereas Oryx is a seven-hour drive away. This feels more possible, more relevant to my weekly life.
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Dolphin told me this morning, after I confessed my desire as well as fear of her being with Paladin that she is attracted to him, but has been afraid of making me jealous and so she's been afraid to even hug him in front of me. Paladin told me in the past that he was attracted to her, and I asked him about it earlier today to see if it were still true and it is.
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And so now I'm having these desires for a triad... But I notice that I'm actually not very fixated on the sexual aspects. I love Dolphin and want her to be happy. My main attraction to her is who she is, not her delicious looking breasts. [laughs] Whereas with Mermaid, as much as I cared about her, most of my fixation was on her sexy body.
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I like to please. I like to serve. It gives me a sense of meaning... Finding meaning... That's been on my mind a lot. I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I just want to keep on serving those I love and exploring life.