Spiders & Messes & Letters

May 06, 2010 10:39

 
Thursday, May 6th 2010 at 8:22am

A minute ago I thought I saw a spider. I wasn't sure, so I slapped my glasses on, but it had gone over the edge of the table. I tossed aside my blankets and began crawling on the rug with a tissue in hand looking for the little monster, but it was no where in sight. It's possible it was just a trick of the light, or a bit of dust... But dust and light don't generally move like that... Makes me feel like some problem is going to rear it's head, but I won't be able to identify if it's really a problem or not, and it will vanish just as I go to hunt it down, and I will fail and discovering the truth of it... For now.

Lynx writes me on May 4th 2010 at 8:48pm;

Hi Nuria!

It's great to hear back from you! :) I find myself in sore need of a conversational partner; I've been feeling a little down in the last couple of days, something that hasn't been helped by my girl's absence. When we last spoke, she told me that she was going through another depressive episode, which might explain why she hasn't been on lately. Still, the silence has been wearing on me. I've told her before that I like to communicate with the person I love every single day, and while I can understand occasional lapses of this rule if real life intervenes, is it really so hard to just write a short e-mail or even a message on an IM program each day saying, "Thinking about you. Miss you & love you!" or something similar?

You mentioned thinking she was a fairly sensitive person in general from what I've told you. I'm inclined to agree, but that sensitivity, and her reluctance to open up, is making it quite difficult to really get close to her at times. There's been so many times when she's spoken to me saying she's had an awful, emotional day, but she won't tell me any details about what happened. Maybe I'm misinterpreting her, but hearing "I don't wanna talk about it," from her time and again when I ask her what's wrong, makes me think like she doesn't want to share a part of her life with me. Is she trying to keep some distance between us? Does she just not trust me enough to open up to me? I've been doing my best to be as kind and patient as I can be, but it's really starting to wear me down. After the incident with the Avatar movie, I sometimes feel like I have to watch what I say or do with her, for fear of setting her off on another 'depression attack'.

*sighs deeply* I can't help but worry sometimes that she's having second thoughts about this all, or if I'll be able to give her what she needs. It isn't helping that I know that she's still 'stalking' her ex; following his actions on Facebook, and getting really upset/jealous whenever his new girlfriend posts anything on his wall. I actually asked her once what she would do if her ex came back to her and wanted to get back together, and she admitted that she would seriously consider it. I can't blame her too much for that; I probably would also give my third love a second chance if she came back to me too, but it did make me wonder if she was really trying to move forward with me, or simply 'hanging out with someone nice so I don't feel so alone while hoping frantically for my ex to change his mind'.

Anyway, sorry. I don't want to turn this letter into a long rant/whine about my fears and grievances. Moving on!

"I happened to be on here because I was looking at Snow Leopard's profile - a beautiful Russian woman - Paladin's best friend."

Snow Leopard, huh? That's a nice nickname. :) I still sometimes wish I'd gotten a 'cooler' one than Lynx. XD

"Work environments are entirely too stressful, in my opinion. They make you feel like it's not just your time you're selling, but your soul."

I know exactly what you mean; that your life has become your work, and its priorities have become your highest priorities. That's not something I ever want to become; I want to work to live, not live to work. Even if I did land a super-awesome job working at a video game company where I design RPGs and the like, I'd still want a strict line of demarcation between my work and personal life. When I'm at home, I want to be able to devote my attention and energies completely to my slave, my hobbies and eventually my family.

That said, I know that my workplace is actually a really relaxed, friendly one, and I'm actually quite lucky to have the job I do, so I don't want to complain about it too much. XD

"I've been working at getting Paladin to behave more like a master, and less like such a perfect gentleman."

Hehe, he is a lucky man. A slave who actively encourages and coaxes him into being a Master? He has a gem of a slave in you. :)

"You'd think that I wouldn't like that or something, but somehow my attitude towards oral sex has completely changes with him. I actually love it more than I ever have before, and I begin to wonder why I have not loved it all along."

I've heard similar accounts from other people too, and I think it probably depends on a wide variety of factors. The love and adoration you have for your partner is one critical factor, of course. If you don't love your partner and, as a result, find his taste and smell absolutely arousing, you will not like the act. Furthermore, there are also lesser factors like his personal scent and taste (which can be affected by his diet, and how fastidious he is about personal hygiene), and even the physical structure of his cock which can all affect the experience. My third love, for instance? She used to love giving me head, and said that I was the perfect size and had a really good taste. She couldn't stand giving head to her ex, because firstly he ate a lot of meat and drank a lot of beer (which makes you taste awful, apparently), and secondly because he was longer than she could comfortably accommodate in her mouth, which made her gag quite a bit.

One telling change shortly before we broke up was that my third love didn't want to give me head anymore. She never said her reasons why, but I suspect it was because she was already having feelings for somebody else, and now that I wasn't her true beloved anymore (her Master, her King, her God, you know the feeling I'm trying to convey), she didn't feel the same attraction and enthusiasm she had before for pleasing me in that manner.

"That does tend to be the case; and better to carefully set one down than to wait until it splatters on the floor. I try to keep my extracurriculars and extraneous contacts to a minimum because I hate feeling like I'm juggling life. I'd be disappointed if I was the ball you felt you had to set down though."

Yeah. I've had to do this before in the past too. The last time things came to this point, I had to shelve my anime-watching hobby. In fact, to this day I still have a small pile of anime DVDs that I bought to watch that I haven't managed to!

I don't intend to cut off communications with you though. :) You're one of the rare friends to whom I can talk to about just about anything; my friends and family don't know about my BDSM inclinations (although they might suspect), and as I mentioned earlier, it feels like there are things that I can't bring up to my new love for fear it might upset her. That actually disappoints me a great deal; one thing I truly loved and miss about my third love was that I felt that I could also share anything with her, no matter the subject, and she would always listen, without judgment or reproach.

"The important thing here to consider is how few people even realize that these differences exist, and worse yet, the huge quantity of people who don't realize that this is fairly rampant and fairly normal even and therefor don't recognize their own desires that are left unfulfilled."

Heh, according to my slave, there are dozens of arguments about these differences and "what makes a slave?" on places like Fetlife every single day. It's quite hilarious how heated and full of spite these arguments can get, considering that, as the BDSM community, we're supposed to be more tolerant and welcoming of differences and oddities than most.

"That's exactly right. And I am undying grateful that I am with someone who isn't abusive... I think about that a lot; how lucky I am to not have gotten myself into an abusive relationship... Because I realize that all the things I crave are abuse. I like the psychological aspect of it just as much as the physical; being told I'm a toy, that I don't deserve better, that being used in my purpose in life, that I don't and can't have anything else, and even the phase where abusive men become soft and apologetic... I truly crave that abusive nature."

Exactly. :) The biggest danger with submissives like yourself is that you could get into a relationship that will ultimately destroy you, physically, mentally and emotionally. Another reason why I'm so glad that Paladin is the man he is; I trust that he will still manage to love and protect you even while giving you the discipline and punishment you crave.

"But we've been good. Or rather, I've been good, since I'm the one tempted to more. We've only smoked the once, and I'm waiting for the third Saturday in May to do it again. Once a month, as I promised myself."

Once a month sounds like a good compromise. I'm glad that it worked out wonderfully for both of you! :D

"Immortality isn't something one can say 'no' to lightly."

Mmhmm. The idea of being able to hang around for centuries, to have all the time in the world you'd need to perfect an art, amass a fortune, see what wonders the future will hold, pursue your hobbies to obsession, love your partner in every single way, forever... *sighs wistfully* I still hope that science will come up with a treatment to keep people alive forever in our lifetimes, even though I fear what that might mean for our social fabric.

"Oh! I should tell you about the punishment he gave me. *smiles wickedly*"

Oh, that's an excellent punishment. Very appealing. I commend Paladin on coming up with it. *grins wickedly* I'll have to file that away for something I can use myself if my slave is ever in need of serious discipline, if I can find a similar chair or other device. (Even though Paladin was wrong; you did end up liking the punishment. ;)

Your friend,

Lynx

I reply on May 6th 2010 at 8:26am;

Lynx,

I wrote a detailed entry in my blog yesterday contrasting my desires with the patterns of an abusive relationship. I wrote it for Paladin, so that he could understand better what I'm craving, and why, and therefor be able to make more effective actions in dealing with me. He read it last night, and his first reaction was to try and think about something else right away. He didn't want to say anything on it at all.

I asked him for feedback, and he said, “I don't know what to say about it. I don't want our relationship to be an abusive one.”

I said, “Obviously not. Certainly you have some other thoughts. Things you didn't know before, things that trouble you about it, things you'd be willing to do, things you'd never do...”

He pulled the entry back up and went over some of the things on the list. He seemed troubled by it more than anything else. He specifically said that the idea of being controlling in such a way made his stomach turn. I'm truly grateful that he has no desire to harm me or limit me in any way, but at the same time I'm worried that I won't adapt to being treated 'right'...

Anyway; onwards!

“When we last spoke, she told me that she was going through another depressive episode... I've told her before that I like to communicate with the person I love every single day, and while I can understand occasional lapses of this rule if real life intervenes, is it really so hard to just write a short e-mail each day saying, 'Thinking about you. Miss you & love you!' or something similar?”

I assume you're writing her every day. If you keep mentioning that it pains you to not hear from her and that you worry about her, and she continues to her silence either now, or during a future 'depressive episode' then it's certainly something to be concerned about.

“There's been so many times when she's spoken to me saying she's had an awful, emotional day, but she won't tell me any details about what happened.”

This sounds like a serious personality flaw. Porcupine had trouble opening up to me because he had deep emotional trust issues. Whereas when Paladin doesn't want to talk about something it's because he'd rather be cheerful right now, not because he doesn't want to open up. If she won't talk about it, and she won't cheer up, then there is a problem. If you can discuss that with her, and make progress, then that's a good sign.

Next time she says, “I don't want to talk about it,” ask her if it's because she would rather be happy right now and not think about bad thoughts, or if it's because she doesn't feel like she can trust you enough to talk to you about it. If she can't answer that question, then there is a serious problem, perhaps a serious enough problem to not continue to try to have a relationship with her. If she says it's because she wants to be happy, but then doesn't become happy, point that out and tell her that perhaps if she talked about it and got past it, then she could be happy. If she says it's because she doesn't feel close enough to you, ask her why, and see if that goes anywhere.

“After the incident with the Avatar movie, I sometimes feel like I have to watch what I say or do with her, for fear of setting her off on another 'depression attack'.”

I hate to say it, but that's very unhealthy in a relationship. I've been there. With Wolf, what I said could set him off in tears. With Dragon, what I said could set him off in anger and make him blame how much weed he was smoking on me. With Porcupine what I said could make him storm off and not come back for hours, or even until the next morning. It's not healthy. It's important that you make it clear to her that speaking openly is very important to you, and that a relationship can't be healthy unless communication is completely open and uninhibited. While there is such a thing as being insensitive, there shouldn't be a feeling of walking on eggshells.

“I actually asked her once what she would do if her ex came back to her and wanted to get back together, and she admitted that she would *seriously* consider it.”

That's fairly normal, but it's also troubling. That shows that she hasn't really fallen for you; while she may love you and she may still be growing more attached to you as time goes on, it's also possible that she's spending so much emotional energy on her ex that she isn't moving forward. Even if you're not the right man for her, it doesn't change the fact that what she's doing it unhealthy for her. She needs to be trying to make it work somewhere else in her life; in love, in lust, in obsession, in accomplishment - otherwise she'll just keep looking back at what could have been and never get anywhere. It's like they say; if you keep looking backwards, then soon you'll be going that way.

“I don't want to turn this letter into a long rant/whine about my fears and grievances.”

Psh! I think what is happening between you and her is not only interesting, but important. She's showing signs of not knowing herself very well, not being able to go after whatever it is that she wants, not being fully open and honest with others or with herself, not being able to tackle issues with a level head, not being able to let others in when feeling depressed and emotional, letting grief block out love and compassion... She's not letting you help her out of this emotional ditch she's in. It's hard to say how much of that would be because of the distance between you two physically. She could be entirely different in person - for better or for worse.

“Snow Leopard, huh? That's a nice nickname. :) I still sometimes wish I'd gotten a 'cooler' one than Lynx.”

Psh! Are you kidding? I love the word 'Lynx' itself. It just sounds cool, not to mention how cool looking a Lynx is.

“I want to work to live, not live to work.”

I'm not entirely sure I agree with that. I want to live to work doing something I love, for someone I love, personally.

“Hehe, he is a lucky man. A slave who actively encourages and coaxes him into being a Master? He has a gem of a slave in you.”

I love directions, and orders and repercussions. They supplement my own lack of discipline.

“My third love, for instance? She used to love giving me head, and said that I was the perfect size and had a really good taste. She couldn't stand giving head to her ex, because firstly he ate a lot of meat and drank a lot of beer (which makes you taste awful, apparently), and secondly because he was longer than she could comfortably accommodate in her mouth, which made her gag quite a bit.”

I can relate. Both Dragon and Porcupine didn't fit in my mouth comfortably at all; and Dragon's girth alone was painful on my jaw. Jamaicans; the stereotypes are true. Great for vaginal sex; but leave oral and anal at the door. *laughs*

Paladin has a particularly pleasing shape; very mushroom like. And he's much for fastidious about his hygiene than anyone I was ever with before. He starts to become itchy and uncomfortable due to sweat and hair before I even notice any smell develop. So that makes it quite different in and of itself. Also, I can testify to how bad beer makes a person taste and smell. It leaks out of every pour in the body, and it makes a person reek. I used to hate how Porcupine would smell after drinking. It smelled like burning and rotting broccoli; no kidding.

Also, I think a lot of the pleasure comes from the way Paladin orgasms. Unlike most men who usually quietly moan for a moment and then are done... he convulses like he's been electrically shocked, no kidding. And not just for a moment, but for quite some time. Perhaps a full twenty seconds. If you count that out and then imagine a pretty girl riding your cock and then going into spasms where her whole body shook for that entire time you might get an idea of why I enjoy it. :)

“One telling change shortly before we broke up was that my third love didn't want to give me head anymore. She never said her reasons why, but I suspect it was because she was already having feelings for somebody else, and now that I wasn't her true beloved anymore (her Master, her King, her God, you know the feeling I'm trying to convey), she didn't feel the same attraction and enthusiasm she had before for pleasing me in that manner.”

Indeed, that's huge. Sexual encounters change dramatically as the love in a relationship fluctuates. For it to go up and down a bit is usual, but a complete reversal in interest is usually a tell-tale sign of the end.

Also, I like how you wrote, 'her master, her king, her god...' That's exactly how it feels. Of course you would suck off your god. But you know, probably not your dog.

“The last time things came to this point, I had to shelve my anime-watching hobby. In fact, to this day I still have a small pile of anime DVDs that I bought to watch that I haven't managed to!”

Oh, oh! Me, me - pick me! I want anime for Christmas. *makes big cheesy grin*

“You're one of the rare friends to whom I can talk to about just about anything.”

Indeed. It's nice to have someone to talk about Paladin to. I can't exactly discuss my issues or joys at his punishments or lack thereof with anyone else. *laughs*

“As I mentioned earlier, it feels like there are things that I can't bring up to my new love for fear it might upset her. That actually disappoints me a great deal; one thing I truly loved and miss about my third love was that I felt that I could also share *anything* with her, no matter the subject, and she would always listen, without judgment or reproach.”

It sounds like your third love was quite the amazing woman and that it's going to be a hard going to really replace her. Hopefully your new slave is just going through a rough patch and will come out of it soon, but her behavior does make me question her ability to be a good slave.

“The biggest danger with submissives like yourself is that you could get into a relationship that will ultimately destroy you, physically, mentally and emotionally. Another reason why I'm so glad that Paladin is the man he is; I trust that he will still manage to love and protect you even while giving you the discipline and punishment you crave.”

Ironically though, I think the relationships of my past have greatly created these abusive desires. I learned to cope with abusive men, and loved them nonetheless. I learned to cope with Porcupine's sex addiction and flashes of anger, I learned to cope with Dragon's pot addiction and controlling behaviors, and I learned to cope with Wolf's extreme masochistic and sadistic desires as well. I learned to enjoy when push came to shove, and learned to find excitement in a sudden change of mood from chill to anger. I turned everything that hurt me into a sexual act so that it couldn't hurt me anymore. And now I'm not sure where the challenge is... I think I may even miss trying to figure out how to 'fix' my man. Now the challenge is how to deal with my own cravings. Now I'm the one who is damaged. It's rather bewildering.

“Even though Paladin was wrong; you *did* end up liking the punishment.”

So far I've loved all of his punishments. Even when they hurt to the point where I beg for mercy, when he stops I wonder why he didn't push me harder. I know I must look so miserable, but when it stops I want to be so drained and in so much pain that it's a tremendous relief. It's most satisfying that way. I've been telling him this somewhat, but I'm also nervous of leading him into something truly harmful; but then again - so what? My mind and body will adapt, and that will feel blissful ultimately. I told him last night he shouldn't worry about how much he's hurting me unless I'm in tears. It was a bold thing to say, but I want to give him confidence.

It's nice to be writing again. I have written a lot in letters and blog entries the past few days, and it feels good.

The Kinkiness Is Left In My Wake,

Nuria Asha

Thursday, May 6th 2010 at 11:26am

I am such a mess right now.

My body is pissing me off. I've worked too hard for this intestinal relapse to be happening. I didn't realize I was bringing it back upon myself... I thought I was healed. But lo and behold... I've gone and broken myself down again.

Yesterday Paladin and I walked to the grocery store instead of driving. It's not terribly far, or I wouldn't have gone at all. I didn't want to go, but he was going, and he was going on foot, and so I went. I enjoyed the time with him, and I was happy to have more lemon juice to mix with the pomegranate juice, and I was happy to have more figs, and a half a pineapple. Those things were all well and good; but as I was walking (trying to keep up with his pace) I realized how far my insides have gone to inflammation.

“It's hard be chronically ill as a child... You don't even know that what you're feeling isn't normal. You have no idea what normal feels like to compare it to,” I said to Paladin last night. Because now I have some inkling of what normal feels like.

When you walk, you shouldn't feel all sorts of discomfort all throughout your rib cage, through your lungs, and stomach and sides. Your muscles shouldn't ache after just a few minutes. You shouldn't start sweating right away, but you should sweat with time. You should gain some heat with time, but not an tremendous amount, and not within less than a minute. You shouldn't get painful stitches in your sides, you shouldn't heave for air and have difficulty walking and talking at once. You shouldn't begin to burp every few strides. Your chest shouldn't start to constrict and hurt.

Walking should feel good. Walking should stretch your muscles comfortably. When you walk, you should feel the soles of your feet stretching, and the thighs warming gradually. You should feel free and aired out around the rib cage. You should be noticing the feel of the air moving through your air. It should be easy to breath and talk as you walk.

But unfortunately, last night, walking fell into a lot of the categories that it wasn't supposed to, and now I know that it feels wrong. Now I can really feel the difference. Now I understand why walking was so difficult all my life! It's sickening how I just never knew. I wish I could help children who are needlessly suffering the way I did. Problems that can be solved. Problems that don't cost a fortune to fix, that we have the resources available to cure.

I feel like a wreck now. I keep burping whenever I try to exercise. Stupid granola has some honey in it; and I'm betting that's the culprit of the moment. I had salad for breakfast and I was dandy and then I had granola for lunch and suddenly I'm tired.

Paladin told me to get something done today. That implies that I have not been getting much done; and that'd be true. I've been trying to get things done, but moving around makes me start burping like mad and makes me feel woozy and like I want to go to sleep. So I'm writing to keep myself from sleeping. Lame, huh?

snow leopard, spiritual signs, letter, dragon, wolf, lynx, paladin, porcupine

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