Hibiscus Away Traveling For Work
Dearest Hibiscus,
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It is surprising to me how much extra time I have with you away. No hanging out with you, talking to you, or making you food. Today I spent some time in the garden, naked. I watered your pepper plants, the grape vines, and the plants in pots. I trimmed my tomato plant (yet again). I deconstructed the boxes hanging about, reorganized the recycling, and vacuumed behind the recycling bins and the floor at large. I'm preparing for having guests tomorrow.
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The organizer of the local polyamory meetup group has been in contact with me about recent activities and plans. She's been feeling overwhelmed and like she'd like to spend more time simply connecting with the her husband and boyfriend. I agreed that I was in a similar place in my life. Given the choice, I prefer spending time with you than going out. And besides, I have no transportation this week. Although Tholie is taking me to grab the CSA food shares on Thursday. In any event, I offered to host something this Wednesday.
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I coordinated with the organizer and we got an event posted. I'm expecting somewhere between seven and fifteen guests tomorrow! I'm quite surprised. People have shown much more interest than I expected. Of course, I've had lots of RSVPs before and had 60% of them be no-shows, but the prospect is still somewhat overwhelming - so I've been cleaning. It's funny, because even before I knew I was having guests, I was doing some cleaning and reorganizing in my room. Mostly reorganizing. Many of my drawers have not really been sorted since they came from Snowland - just being stuffed with whatever fit conveniently.
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Random asides: I finally took the time to memorize your phone number. Paladin and I had an argument yesterday that led to tears and another one today. I think we're getting somewhere. He has put up the bars in the bathroom.
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Anyway, with all this cleaning, I'm feeling cleaner internally somehow too. And I'm noticing that I'm picking up some of your ethics through osmosis. Can't be helped. Just like I spent all those years around vegetarians and vegans and I started to care much more about the conditions of animals, now, living in an Eco Hamlet, I am thinking more and more about my actions and how "green" or not they are. I feel awkward when I throw away a plastic bag that could be used or washed. I contemplate how many bags I've thrown away in my life. I question my reasons for doing it.
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Without exactly making a conscious choice to do so, I've started thinking of Silverstag - the community at large - as my home. I'm finding a growing desire to know its residents and become involved in the social scene here in my own right, instead of through you. It was nice that there was a "women's gathering" last night. I'm glad I went. It was Shannon, Phoebe, Stoutie and I who went. I'd never seen Shannon put together so many words at once before.
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Sort of a topic change, but not really: I've been repeatedly triggered by the box of hotel soaps in the linen closet. Partly because I used to do that. I had a box like that too - although I never had so many. Today I pulled the box down and sorted them. The pile of "facial bar" boxes got so tall it could barely stand up on its own. After sorting them all by type, I photographed it. Then I put them back in a much more organized way. I figure you'll be better able to part with them if you see what an absurd collection of them you have. Although, it occurs to me that this is more apocalypse preparation, in which case, wouldn't it just make more sense to have a Dr. Bronner's drum somewhere?
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I'll be honest and say that I did toss some of them. The damaged ones, and five or six lotions, since hotel lotion is one of the most toxic things you can put on your skin. At least the soap is designed to be washed off. The lotion is intended to absorbed - the horror!
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I just paused in this letter writing for a little while to help Paladin decide where to put the glass shelf in the bathroom. I decided it looked best centered above the toilet (not centered between the light and shower, which would put it about two inches further to the right). There were three different heights I thought it looked good at. I chose the middle of those three, keeping in mind that if we like, we could someday put in two more (one above and one below).
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It is very frustrating to me the level of self-control I apply to myself when it comes to your things and your house. When I moved into Paladin's apartment in Sunnyland, I didn't hesitate to completely reorganize his entire apartment, cleaning everything I found, and sorting every paper, every screw - every single thing. When I'd finally gone through it all, I felt immensely satisfied and safe in a way I never could in my parents' home. But not for lack of trying! My mother managed to collect so much over the years that even at the rate of one huge trash bag every week for months, I still couldn't get through all of her stuff.
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I suppose I am partly as wasteful as I am because I was literally drowning in clutter growing up.
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I wrote the women of Silverstag Eco Hamlet today and asked if anyone would like unopened packages of organic cotton panty-liners that presumably Bodicia left behind. Shannon was sweet enough to send over two very adorable girls to come and collect them. I feel like an idiot for not coming up with some clever way to connect with the girls. I was in the middle of making caroblets with goat butter and raw carob powder at the time and feeling distracted I suppose.
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The caroblets are amazing! Almost too amazing. Hard to stop myself from just eating it all. Of course.
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I started practicing a little for karaoke yesterday. It felt good. My throat got tired quickly, so I stopped and drank water. Will do some more again today.
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Your cat misses you. I've been feeding him and then putting him back outside. He's actually not being particularly obnoxious as he often has been when you've left, but he seems more skittish - as he always does when you're away.
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In our time apart it is more readily apparent to me just what you are to me. I keep thinking I ought to initiate a new routine - one night (or perhaps even the entire day) a week that we consistently (barring any special event we're attending) spend separately. Partly with the intention that I'd spend it with Paladin. Partly with the intention that I appreciate you so much more after I miss you for a while. Partly with the intention that the part of you that misses time to yourself would get its needs met as well. Partly just so that we did take more time for mundane things like cleaning, organizing and spreadsheets. Partly so that at least one night a week you could easily go to bed earlier and if you didn't, it'd be entirely on your head that you didn't!
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Perhaps Mondays? It is the only day I can think of that would work fairly consistently. If you like the idea.
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With your charms solidly in my heart,
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Nuria