From Traumatized Child to Young Girl
"Before I was coming to you as a traumatized child. I was begging you to be my abuser - to hurt me so that I might believe you loved me," I said to Hibiscus. Two glasses of his home-made, home-grown wine graced custom-cut coasters on either side of my bed. "But now I want you to drop all assumptions about what you know about my sexuality."
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In my mind I was recalling how Porcupine had assumed my sexuality hadn't changed in the intervening years since our breakup. If it had not been for that assumption, I might have slept with him that one night I invited him to spend the night at our place in Snowland. But his nails digging into my skin wasn't I wanted. His teeth on my neck confused me more than aroused me. Paladin had led me away from those things. I told Hibiscus a little bit of the story of the night Porcupine made these assumptions, and how he took my "no" as complete rejection, instead of rejection for the specific way he was coming on to me.
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"Now I feel like I'm coming to you as a girl, not a traumatized child," I said. Hibiscus smiled at that and nuzzled my cheek. I smiled too. I'm healing, I thought. "And as a girl I want to feel special and cherished. I want to feel worth-while enough to be unwrapped slowly, like a valuable present."
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Hibiscus nodded and kissed my neck gently. He breathed into my ear as he responded, "I understand."
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"I like that," I said.
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"What?"
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"You breathing into my ear."
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And so, dialog about our sexual relationship opened up again for the first time since before we were married - two months ago now. It was a Tuesday, July 5th 2016. I had told him I didn't really want to drink wine with him and get all cuddled up and comfortable only to feel unseen, fucked, and abandoned. Drinking wine at all was a very new thing for me. I had quit drinking at the age of eighteen - nine years ago - and starting again was only justifiable in my mind because the wine was made by Hibiscus, from grapes grown by Hibiscus. If I was going to drink, I wanted it to be special. Hibiscus eyes locked with mine and he promised he would make me his priority.
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He made good on his promise. I felt loved.