Correspondence Conclusion (part 3)
Part One: Correspondence Corrosion
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Part Two: Correspondence Corruption
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It wasn't until May 6th, five days after the wedding, that I finally was about to writer to Hibiscus's dad. But that at point, Hibiscus had actually spoken to his parents over the phone and cleared a little bit up. I had listened to the phone call, and felt somewhat convinced that the letter was more formed from ignorance than hostility. And so, in my letter I aimed to relieve the ignorance that caused the misunderstands.
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I wrote:
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Dear Hibiscus's Father,
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This letter has grown rather long. I originally started writing a response to the letter you and Hibiscus's mother wrote back in early April, but realized that Hibiscus's feelings at the time were really biasing me in a negative way. After Hibiscus first read the letter, he was despondent and angry. It colored my own thoughts with defensiveness.
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As you may or may not know, Hibiscus's friends say they have not seen him this happy in many years. I don't know, since I've not seen how he was before I met him, but he's told me many times that he's felt inspired by me, and he shows an enthusiasm for life. Honestly, the most depressed and angry I've ever seen him was the Saturday night (April 9th) and Sunday after reading the letter. He spent that Sunday in bed.
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I think most of the emotional tension around it cleared up during the phone call where you, Hibiscus's mother and Hibiscus discussed it. He was genuinely worried that couched in the words of the letter was an ultimatum. Now, he is sure that it was all just a misunderstanding, but I think a lot of the points are worth revisiting, because it showed a lot of "not getting it" as Hibiscus has put it.
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You may not know that Hibiscus was already seeking polyamory before I appeared in his life. He has many polyamorous friends who he has known for over a decade before meeting me. He says that prior to meeting me he has thought time and time again that he was better suited to polyamory. As I've become more forthcoming about being polyamorous in this past year, I've discovered that many of my casual acquaintances are polyamorous. It seems that it is much more common than I'd realized.
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I've inquired about Hibiscus's past at length, and one trend in his life has been falling for someone else while in a committed relationship and then developing an unhealthy obsession with this other person, partly due to the whole "forbidden fruit" issue. Or, upon further reflection, mostly due to unmet needs in the relationship that he didn't know how to communicate effectively. I can relate. It has happened to me in my past monogamous relationships. My first love, who I dated for two years and lived with for one of those years, left me because I cheated on him.
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(Hibiscus and I just watched the above linked video together last night as his suggestion, which is interesting, since I had already put this paragraph into this letter long before last night.)
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This may feel like "too much information" or something like that, but I just want it to be clear that we're choosing polyamory consciously, and we've both been choosing it for a long time prior to meeting one another, and prior to even knowing that 'polyamory' was a word or an option. Like parents loving more than one child, we don't see anything wrong with loving more than one partner.
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I'm going to put some quotes from the letter in [brackets] and then respond to them in the hopes of creating further clarity on other subjects.
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[...to your and Nuria's (and Paladin's?) commitment ceremony.]
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The commitment ceremony on Sunday was between Hibiscus and I. Paladin and I had our first ceremony in June of 2010, and while he was present, the promises between Hibiscus and I are independent of promises between Paladin and I.
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Because the question of what we're committing to came up in a letter from Hibiscus's mother to me before, and then again in person, and then again in the April 9th letter, I responded to that via snail mail in detail. So as you already know, the commitments are about transparency, honesty, taking time for one another, making each other's priorities our own priorities, taking care of one another, and those kinds of things.
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Maybe I can get a copy of Hibiscus's vows to send to you too.
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It seems there is a lot of question about our financial agreements. I've already been very public with my own financial choices in my book, which was referenced in the letter. The whole point of the book is to show people exactly how we were supporting ourselves, traveling, paying for our own food and housing, and doing it on less than $15,000 for the two of us.
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We accomplished this through living directly off the land, through organic CSA memberships, through work-trade, through bulk buying clubs, through creative uses of food most people would compost, through cutting out many expenses that other people have (like choosing not to have a cell phone, for example), and so on.
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We didn't have other people simply pay for us. In 2010 Paladin supported me financially. In 2011 we split our expenses between his savings and my earnings, since we had moved and he was no longer employed. In 2012, 2013, 2014 and 2015 I supported both of us on $10,500 to $15,000 a year, each year. Hence the subject of my book.
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Nobody was giving us money to live on, unless you count Christmas cards from Paladin's parents. That is why I wrote the book. Because nobody could understand how we afforded our "crazy lifestyle." I kept getting questions about how we could afford to travel and eat organic, which were mysterious questions to me, but it finally dawned on me that the way we lived was so alien to others that they genuinely didn't understand.
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For four years I didn't buy new clothing for myself. I made clothes from discount organic cotton fabric that was on sale for $6 a yard. Paladin bought clothes from the thrift store. We exchanged our labor for our utility bills both when traveling and when staying put for a few months at a time. We did internships where we worked in exchange for room and board at times. Sometimes the work was farming, sometimes it was teaching nutrition or yoga, sometimes it was working on aquaponic systems.
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We've grown familiar with living simply, living off the land, only buying what we need, and learning to need a lot less. I believe these facets of my experience have been a large part of Hibiscus's attraction to me in the first place, as these are great interests of his.
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Now, you might wonder, why have I earned so little money each year? Why was I earning $10K to $15K in a whole year in the first place? It was a matter of choice. Because working for other people emotionally drains me in a way that most people do not seem to be drained. I had plenty of opportunity to take on more work, but I just couldn't make myself work any more for others than needed. That is, each month I worked the absolute minimum needed to buy what we absolutely needed, and nothing more than that.
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I'm happy to work a ten-hour day on my own terms if we're talking about digging trenches, writing, editing, cleaning, preparing food, planting gardens, taking photos, designing board games, and so on. But I'm miserable on days when I put even two hours into work that feels uninspired to me. Miserable to the point of hardly functioning. And I mean the "hardly functioning" part quite literally. I don't know why it makes me so ill, but it does.
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I think if I were diagnosed they would say I have aspergers, especially based on this video. I feel stretched to the point of breaking when I emotionally shove myself into a box. But in order to not impose myself on others, this leads right back to me isolating myself all too often. I notice I also tend to be more comfortable disclosing things in writing than in person. Heh.
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In any event, since I published my book in April 2015, I've been fascinated with the taboo-ness surrounding income and spending habits. I made my income and spending choices public, but since then I've discovered that few others would do the same. I've given many talks and asked people who would be willing to disclose their income to raise their hands. Thus far, I've yet to have a single person ever raise their hand!
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Otter was one of my proof-readers for my book back when it was still only sixty typed pages or so. (The finished length I don't recall off the top of my head, but Hibiscus was surprised at its length and has not finished reading it. I mention this just to illustrate how much thought, effort and content there is to it.) Otter had told Hibiscus about me and my book before we ever met in person. When Hibiscus met me he asked about it, so we talked about finances early on, and I told him about my distress at working for others and how much I preferred working freelance.
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Anyway, as Hibiscus and I fell in love, I had no expectations. But he soon agreed that he would like me to live in his house and that he would be happy to support me. It certainly does make me feel cherished for him to have lifted the burden of earning money from me.
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His support is worth so much to me. It is true that it only takes him six hours a week to support me financially, but I value that highly and I feel it is only right that I do his chores, prepare his meals, and see to his comforts in every way that I can. I enjoy it and I'm honored to. My mother raised me as a stay-at-home mom, and she always tutored me in what it meant to be a good wife.
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While the particulars of her advice are not always relevant (like how to select the best piece of meat from a bird and then give it to the man of the house), the concepts stick with me. As my provider, I aim to do for Hibiscus as my mother did for my father. Well, to be honest, I aim to do better.
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As for Paladin's finances, he is still living a very inexpensive lifestyle. Basically he just needs groceries, and he doesn't eat even remotely expensively. (Mostly home-made kefir from the local raw goat's milk blended with greens for breakfast, and then lentil or rice dishes for dinner.)
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I still earn some income which I'm in turn using to pay Paladin to do a variety of work for me (ranging from my laundry to custom building me a new computer). Hibiscus has also been paying Paladin to do various things, or doing little trades. Most recently, Hibiscus bought Paladin a pair of mud boots so that Paladin could be of effective help digging holes for trees, and also Paladin has installed Windows and other needed software on the Silverstag Eco Hamlet finances laptop.
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In addition to these sources of support, Paladin gets money from his parents. His parents, who live a more conventional lifestyle, think they're only sending enough money to go have a little splurge on something. But because of the lifestyle Paladin and I have developed for making money go a long, long ways, the money they send him for Christmas and his birthday is enough for him to personally live off of for four months (no kidding). (In the past, when we were both putting that money to use, it was more like a month and a half's relief, as my food needs cost more than Paladin's.)
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As for promises/commitments, Hibiscus has promised to support my basic financial needs so long as he is able to do so. I've defined my needs as food, shelter, water, clothing and internet. Heh.
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In return, I have promised Hibiscus virtually all of my time and resources to allocate as he sees fit. He is kind and doesn't abuse the power I give him over me.
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Do you now feel like our commitments and financial arrangements are sufficiently transparent?
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Here is another quote: [No more "buy local." How you have changed your tune.]
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Hibiscus has not "changed his tune" when it comes to local food at all. He continues to eat local cheese, local bread, local apples, locally made kim chi, locally grown vegetables. We've purchased four CSA shares for this summer. One vegetable share, two fruit shares from two different farms, and one greek sheep's yogurt share.
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While it is true that I eat a lot of oranges when they're in season, and I drink kombucha made in Sunnyland, Hibiscus hardly touches the non-local foods. He brews his own kombucha from local ingredients. At this time of year it is pretty hard to find all local produce, for obvious reasons, but we're looking forward to the turn of the season when we can all start eating foods from home again.
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Most recently, we've been using dandelions in salads and smoothies, as their is quite the healthy crop of them blooming right now. Even over the winter months, we've all been consuming local goat milk, local oats, local sunflower seeds, local kim chi, local apples, and so on.
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I felt, as I read the April 9th letter that there were a lot of guesses being made at Hibiscus's choices. Maybe those guesses were actually meant to be questions?
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[We think your invitation worked so hard on "honesty" that it reads selfish, rude and alienating...] [No children allowed unless they act like grown ups?]
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As for not inviting children to the ceremony itself - it was half an hour long, and not really something I would have expected children to enjoy. It was nice that it was quiet and easy to hear the exchange of vows. Just like at church when the children go off to Sunday school so that the adults can sit and listen to a sermon that would bore children. That was my idea.
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[Also, no food? Even Otter and Polecat on their meager budget provided food and drinks...]
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The reason didn't serve food is also because of me, and it has nothing to do with budget whatsoever. Serving food that I would eat and enjoy is different from what others would prefer.
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I used to have a fantasy of a "raw food wedding" but I've realized what a waste that would have been. It would have cost thousands (or at least hundreds) of dollars to have someone cater such a meal, and it would have been mostly unappreciated by guests who are not foodies, or not into raw food, or who had expectations that would bias them against the cuisine.
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I know this from personal experience. When I serve a gourmet raw dish at a raw food potluck, people are ecstatic. People who attend raw food potlucks are mostly not raw foodists at home. However, raw potluckers are adventurous foodies who adore novel foods, and the incredible raw food possibilities.
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When I serve the same dish at a non-raw-food-potluck, I get meager response. I've tried weddings, church events, birthday parties and so on, but it just isn't appreciated in the same way. I believe it would have been a silly waste of money/effort for this occasion.
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As I told you a bit in person, I have severe food addiction problems that led me to raw food as a way I could safely eat without making myself sick. Watching other people eat the foods that I used to be addicted to and that still smell good to me is very difficult. The anxiety that this causes is entirely inappropriate for being hostess and bride both.
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I think I would not have made a good hostess or bride if I were having a food-related panic attack, and I also think that my having anxiety about the issue would have rubbed off on Hibiscus. It is hard not being able to be a part of the normal feast-culture of most of humanity, but I've learned to interact and connect with other people through avenues other than food.
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It was very nice that my friend Mermaid took on the proposed task of making an array of flavored waters. She made a variety of beautiful blends including one that blew me away with rosemary, ginger, blueberries and fresh maple sap. I'll send a photo when I send wedding photos, which shall be soon.
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[Why so much effort on getting people to dress "your" way when the pictures can't be made public?]
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Incidentally, photos is one of the ways I connect with people since I can't do so through meals.
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The purpose of photos always used to be (before facebook) for the memories of the people who attended, not to broadcast to the world. They're for us and our friends. The pictures are for us to print as we like, show to friends as we like, hang up as we like, and look back on as we like.
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The matter of dress is an artistic joy for me. Photography has been a passion of mine for a long time. I get together with friends to do photo-shoots with them for fun. It is an activity to be enjoyed. Dressing up is part of the game. Like dressing up to go to a festival.
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We had a blast spending an hour taking photos. I was thoroughly overjoyed as the photos took place, and I'm overjoyed all over again when looking through them (which I just started doing last night).
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[We also hope you won't be re-doing your will.]
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Neither Hibiscus nor I can imagine what was meant by this statement. My first reaction was, "Oh, they hate me so much they'd grudge Hibiscus leaving me anything when he dies."
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[Hopefully the new guest quarters will be finished soon so we will have a place to stay.]
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The new house is certainly making rapid progress. I see the workers there many days out of the week. Last I heard, they're moving in two weeks from now.
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[I like to cook and I don't like "raw" toast in the morning.]
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I understand having strong preferences, which is why I usually absent myself from meals and food-centered events. It is tough for other people to understand my situation. I don't have a simple allergy or diagnosis that I can tell others, which makes communication about the matter rather arduous.
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If I were blind or deaf then people would understand. There are protocols for how blind people, or people in wheelchairs, can access the world. We have ramps, we have special handicapped bathrooms. But we don't have bathrooms where they don't use toxic chemicals that give me migraines. We don't have food bars I can stop off at when I'm on the road to grab a bite to eat. We don't have a vocabulary that allows me to communicate quickly and easily what my limitations are, how serious they are, and what measures can be taken to avoid discomfort.
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It often feels incredibly unfair to me that because I start bleeding internally if I eat the wrong foods, or get splitting migraines from exposure to any form of smoke, I'm somehow a rude inconvenience. Instead of stopping other people's fun, I remove myself from situations. Then I'm accused of hiding or being passive-aggressive, or being a vigilante.
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I get this a lot. Often, I don't bother to tell new people the truth anymore. I tell them I'm highly allergic to smoke (so that they won't try to sage me, or light incense, or candles), and I don't show up at events where there will be food and I don't mention what I eat. These days, I evade a lot of questions.
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To be frank, I think it is pretty messed up that I have verifiably horrific physical reactions to certain foods and fumes, and yet everywhere I go people assume I'm being a drama queen, even when I make a point of hiding my tears and keeping my expression neutral through tremendous pain.
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Even my own parents have had a lot of trouble understanding. The issues began when I was fourteen and got worse and worse over the course of my teens. My mother is also quite attached to toast, so what she finally did (after years of conflict over the issue) was move her toaster to her living room beside a slightly open window where the smoke finally stopped getting into my bedroom.
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When my parents visited here during the first weekend of April they stayed in Hibiscus's room and he stayed in mine. They brought their own food already prepared, and I prepared some smoothies and salads for everyone to share. Since boiled foods don't create fumes, my parents and Paladin also shared some potatoes.
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Over the wedding weekend, we had similar arrangements. My parents brought a cooler for themselves and my friend Mermaid. Other visitors went out to eat or brought food, which ever they preferred. We served tea, fruit and flavorful maple water. I also made salads and eggnog for a number of guests.
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I understand these arrangements may not be comfortable for you and Hibiscus's mother. Everyone has different ideas about what is and isn't worth it in terms of level of discomfort. When Paladin and I lived on the island, we met a couple who was incredulous that we were not thrilled with their offer of living in a tent without internet, without refrigeration, without access to a washer or dryer. There wasn't even a sink. All they had was a fancy outhouse, a platform and canvas for protecting the tent, and a spigot for water from a pond up the hill.
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This couple, in their fifties, told us about how when they came to the island ten years ago they lived that way, minus the platform and canvas. They had a tent, and they lived off the land. Well, Paladin and I tried. But we were miserable and we gave up and went elsewhere. Our next living situation included internet, an outdoor kitchen, a shared bathroom we had to walk across the land to get to, good water, an outdoor shower and our own garden space. There was also a lot of food growing there (tomatoes, cucumbers, acerola cherries, figs, breadfruits, limes, oranges, kale, lettuce, parsley, etc) which we were welcome to.
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There were catches. Like the bed was only sized for one person, and the shack had a low ceiling and got very, very hot. We also were asked to work way too hard for our keep, but it was a wonderful experience nonetheless.
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In any event, these experiences taught me a lot about different lifestyles, and different levels of lifestyle compatibility. Knowing how serious it is for someone to light a candle in front of me, it makes it easier for me to accept that seemingly small things can be deal-breakers in terms of being able to stay somewhere.
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May our mutual understanding of one another grow,
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Nuria