My Definition of Success
Even if my relationship with Hibiscus ended sometime in the coming months, I knew that it would forever be an "era" in my life. It would forever be counted as a "success" in my book.
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Somewhere in January or February I'd crossed the line between, "an experiment," and a "success." I couldn't pinpoint a moment when it happened, but it was during the last week of March that I realized it had occurred.
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I told Paladin and Hibiscus as much. So what made something a success to me?
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March 31st 2016, the day I expected my parents to come visit Silverstag Eco Hamlet, (for the first time, in the case of my mother), I sat down to write about it.
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A Success Is Defined By . . .
How I'll feel about it looking back.
Which is determined by . . .
What I gained from the experience in terms of lessons, assets and memories.
In particular:
Lessons that help me understand myself better and allow for better decisions going forward.
Assets that continue to be useful day after day, year after year.
Memories that provide a strong emotional anchor, giving either lessons or pleasure or both.
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[How I'll feel about it looking back.] I know that if things ended with Hibiscus right now, for example, looking back, I would think fondly of all that he gave me on all levels. The emotional revelations, the dark explorations, the spiritual stretching, the physical gifts, and financial support. I would look back on all of it with gratitude. Of course I would be devastated by its end, but long-term, I know I would cherish what had been.
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[What I gained from the experience in terms of lessons, assets and memories.] In the case of Hibiscus, I already would have a very hard time quantifying all of the gains. But let me try, anyhow. In seven months together . . .
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Lessons from my relationship with Hibiscus:
[1] Allow time for a new idea to sink in and rattle about. Expect resistance at first. See where the land lies after time has passed for further consideration.
[2] A little really does go a long way. Sex, smoothies and salads really are enough, on their own, to continue to improve one's physical appearance.
[3] No matter how enjoyable the fetish or fantasy, there comes a time for tenderness and love-making.
[4] It takes my body about six months to fully adjust from sex once a month, to sex once a day.
[5] Acid reflux can be caused purely from stress with no change in diet, and while eating a diet that wouldn't typically cause acid reflux. (Both second-hand from Hibiscus himself, and also from closer attention to myself and my patterns.)
[6] Be wary of dropping into someone else's vibration, even a loved one's. There may be unexpected consequences - namely, playing out their most destructive patterns in your own life.
[7] Feeling rich isn't just about spending money. It's about feeling like it is okay to get my needs met, even my need to feel like a princess sometimes.
[8] When desperately seeking approval I get less joy from the act of what I'm actually doing. (Like if I'm doing something specifically to impress someone, versus when I'm doing that same thing just for me.)
[9] I have been very afraid of coming off as shallow. This is because of my dad's derisive attitude toward "shallow people" growing up. There is nothing wrong with being shallow, and, it turns out that I'm less shallow than I thought.
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And these I already knew on some level, but the understanding has been greatly deepened:
[1] It is worth while to give something a shot, even if I'm unlikely to enjoy it.
[2] If I've established in the last three months that I don't like something, steer clear of it. If it was more than three months ago, and I feel curious to do it again, then try it again.
[3] There is a subconscious motive behind every action, no matter how small. Even when I think I know my conscious motives clearly, there is still deeper, hidden motives.
[4] Subspace is more than just escape. It is a form of ecstasy all on its own.
[5] I enjoy inflicting pain.
[6] While mind-games are my favorite kink, I also enjoy simple pain and power-struggle . . . within the right context(s).
[7] Stalking someone mentally is addictive.
[8] On days where I neglect to meditate, connect, watch Teal Swan, or do any other spiritual practice, sex is my greatest spiritual connection. It is a journey into myself and into connection, empathy, love and shadow.
[9] Given a quiet car with good acceleration and amiable controls, I don't actually mind driving so much.
[10] I'm always capable of manifesting more and better, even when I really think I've hit my limit.
[11] Context, context, context. Decay can be sexy.
[12] Keeping the 'New Relationship Energy' going is sometimes a matter of choice. The secrets are optimism, hope, benefit of the doubt, transparency, authenticity, forgiveness, affection, sex, and making the time. Basically, all the keys to a good relationship in the first place.
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Assets from my relationship with Hibiscus . . .
{Interesting, I thought. I feel shy about denoting all of these.}
[1] A special desk with a monitor support, keyboard rest, mouse rest and computer area all supported at different levels. It is on wheels and can easily be used at my bed or with a chair. I'm using it now, and enjoy it every day. As I'd written on December 28th, 2015, "Laying on my bed, watching my husband assemble for me the desk that my other husband paid for, I felt a sense of utter bliss."
[2] A bamboo shelving unit designed for shoes which I purchased as a low shelf for my plants. Again, Paladin assembled it after it came in the mail.
[3] A delightful set of black and white drawers. While plastic, they look professional with ribbed fronts and a wooden laminate surface on the top of each three-drawer organizer. These Hibiscus bought for me personally while we were out at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
[4] A number of plants, most recently including an orchid and an air plant.
[5] Chamomile, oregano and lavender essential oil.
[6] Many new clothes from PACT. (Organic, sustainable, wind/solar-powered, fair trade, etc.) Roughly four pairs of leggings, one shirt, one hoodie, eight pairs of socks, and sixteen pairs of underwear.
[7] Around twenty wire-framed, cloth, stand-alone "drawers" which I keep on wooden shelves borrowed from what was already in Hibiscus's guest room when I met him. (Also in the "borrowed" category was a wicker hamper, a space heater, a watering pot, a mirror, a tiny table, and another small shelving unit.)
[8] Purple quart-sized mason jars. These were officially a gift from Hibiscus.
[9] A book called "The Kiss," which I read and found fascinating. The quarter jars and the book were part of a series of gifts he gave me all at once after my return to Silverstag Eco Hamlet after visiting Snowland and gathering many of my things from there.
[10] Five artisan wooden laser-cut coasters of supreme elegance. (Found on Etsy.)
[11] Two hand-made organic dresses, custom made for me. (From Etsy, for Christmas.)
[12] Ribbons, dyes, glass bottles, jars, Thayer's witch-hazel, jojoba oil, rubber-bands, hair clips, a to-go-ware bamboo set with a purple case, and dozens of other little miscellaneous things.
[13] Blendtec blender.
[14] Elysium, the board game. This was the first gift from Hibiscus and it was long before anything romantic passed between us.
[15] An artisan cutting board from the farmer's market. This was the second gift, and at that time I was at least subconsciously considering the merits of obtaining a sugar-daddy.
[16] Flower bulbs. Technically, I wouldn't be taking these with me if I ever leave here, so they're more of a mutual gift to one another. He buys them and lets me plant them where I will, and then they remain here for both of us to enjoy until they die or someone digs them up.
[17] Winter boots that are waterproof and comfortable and have vibram soles for flexibility.
[18] Indoor suede boots for warmth. I wear them like extra-warm slippers.
[19] Faerie slippers custom-made of wool and hand-dyed. They have pointed, curly toes! I found these on Etsy.
[20] While not a long-term asset in terms of material I can take with me . . . Lots and lots of groceries. In October I experimented with buying as many GT's kombuchas as I wanted, often drinking two or three in a day. Greek sheep's yogurt. Raw, dried olives. Nori. AmazingGrass green powders in all its flavors. Greens, fruits, nuts, seeds and spices. Raw goat's milk.
[21] Glasses. Although medicare, or whatever it is called, covered most of it, he covered the the part that the insurance didn't, and he also drove me there and commented on my selection options.
[22] Ecco Bella make-up. Eye-liner, mascara, eye-shadows, and lipsticks. The first I've worn since 2010.
[23] Annmarie's skin care line, although I've mostly just tried all the different samples.
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And I still think I'm forgetting things. And this isn't counting the wedding dress (which is not yet arrived, but on its way from where it was custom made on the other side of the globe - also found on Etsy). Nevertheless, it is easier to quantify the physical assets than the emotional ones. The physical gains are static, but the emotional changes are fluid.
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Memories that I will cherish . . .
[1] The night I felt he accepted my internal Mordred. (Nobody had done that fully before. The closest approximation would be with Porcupine, my third love.)
[2] Coming into my room and seeing the array of gifts he had prepared for me while I was away.
[3] Hibiscus singing to me at karaoke about how I'd cast a spell on him.
[4] Dressing up to go to the market with Hibiscus, early on, playing as his pet in my high-heels and holding his arm.
[5] The first time I kissed him, while he was driving.
[6] Playing for Hibiscus and Paladin the song I'd sung aloud, off the top of my subconscious, as a process.
[7] Hibiscus's dangerous side, like when he asked me " What if I get addicted to hurting you?"
[8] Hibiscus tearing up at the Silverstag Eco Hamlet talking circle when he spoke of wanting to be the village blacksmith.
[9] His tears as he told me how much I meant to him, how he loved me.
[10] My surprise and delight when after I orgasmed (a clitoral orgasm) from him fucking me in my ass, he pulled out, changed condoms, and started fucking me in vagina. Nobody had ever done that before!
[11] Paladin and Hibiscus punning off of one another in the kitchen as I watched from the dining room table.
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And even with the above lists, I feel like I'm barely scratching the surface of what makes this love such a success in my own mind.
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Later that day, my parents arrived as expected and stayed for the weekend.