What Our Relationship Is Conditional On
"You say that you're mine," he said. "But I feel like that is conditionally based on every action I take."
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I replied, "Not on every action . . . But it is conditional."
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"It looks like I meant what I said in the beginning," I said to Hibiscus. "When I said that I would be willing and happy to do nothing but integrate myself into your life for the next year. That seems to be the path I'm on."
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I was in his bed. He had gone straight to his own room and to bed after returning from a role-playing convention we had been at all weekend. It had been a five-hour drive east on Friday, and a five-hour drive back west that Sunday evening.
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On Monday I found my heart achingly yearning for Hibiscus. I cuddled with Paladin to ease the desire. It helped, like sunshine on a chilly day. But the moment the sunshine disappeared behind the clouds - the moment Paladin got up and began his own day - I found myself shivering in the cool air again.
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In the kitchen, during lunch, Hibiscus was feeling incredibly insecure.
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"I'm yours," I reassured him.
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"You say that you're mine," he said. "But I feel like that is conditionally based on every action I take."
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I replied, "Not on every action . . . But it is conditional."
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"You admit that," he said quietly. "That is interesting."
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"And you know the conditions," I said.
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He looked lost, as if he couldn't imagine what I was talking about.
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"We've talked about it before," I said, wrapping my arms around him and kissing his neck. "Many times," I added.
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"I believe you, but I can't seem to recall. And there is no point in you reminding me now. My mind is a mess," he said.
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Paladin came down the stairs then.
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"Good morning," Hibiscus greeted him.
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Paladin nodded and walked over to the sink.
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"Paladin," I said, "Tell Hibiscus that I'm his. He doesn't seem to believe me."
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"Oh, she is yours," Paladin said, turning somewhat from the sink. "She is as much yours as she is mine."
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Hibiscus shook a little, as if Paladin's words coursed through him, surprising him and shaking him.
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"I'm not sure how to process that," he said. "I need to return to work."
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I nodded and kissed Hibiscus's neck again. He took my hand in his and kissed my knuckles before he headed for his office.
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That afternoon, I wrote to Hibiscus:
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My love . . .
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Perhaps if speaking to you slips through too many filters to reach you, and if speaking to you at times when I most desire to do so tends to lend to your falling asleep, perhaps I should/shall return to writing to you. This medium lends itself to being referenced much more easily.
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Shall I outline for you the parameters referenced earlier? You said, "You say that you're mine, but I feel like you are mine conditionally - based on every action I take."
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I replied, "Not on every action, but it is conditional."
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I think we've been over those conditions many times, but since you're feeling so unsteady, I think perhaps there is benefit to outlining it for you in a more concrete and complete fashion.
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[[Begin Outline]]
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Conditions for Keeping Your Nuria
With notes about potential {exceptions}
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[1] Financial support for my needs* {1, 2, and/or 3}
[2] Emotionally satisfying** sex {3 or 4}
[3] Feeling seen {3 or 4}
[4] Willingness to grow {3}
[5] Maintaining at least the level of wellbeing*** you showed me when we met {5}
[6] Allowing my aspects of self free-reign**** and acceptance of these varying, changing, nearly contradictory aspects of self
[7] Being entirely honest and authentic with me
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Circumstance Exceptions:
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{1} Doing things I love that lead to becoming wealthy. If I had a reliable income that didn't cause me emotional damage to maintain, I'd take care of my own financial needs and may (depending on circumstances) extend financial support to one or more partners.
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{2} A mutual decision for a radical shift in lifestyle such as: Living as monks, farmers, craftsmen, etc, in exchange for room and board; living in a different country; living off the land fully; living off-grid fully; and/or starting a business together.
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{3} A partner outside of you that I love, who I see regularly, who is fulfilling me in this way.
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{4} Radical spiritual growth that reduces my need for this.
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{5} You're maintaining a conscious approach to your life and I have "{3}" and I still have [1] or {1}, [3], and [4] from you.
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*Financial needs include: food, clothing, toiletries, housing, computer equipment required to digitally paint, use the internet, write, maintain my website, and design board games. Needs do not include decorations, crafts, gifts for my friends/family, music, games, books, etc. I understand that your capacity to fulfill desires outside of my needs will vary over the years.
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**Sex that is emotionally satisfying comes in a variety of packages, all of which I desire (and need like an addict) at least occasionally. The forms of emotional satisfaction I get include feeling:
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1) desired (through your attraction and evident arousal)
2) needed and valuable (through your orgasm, fulfilling your fantasies, being an outlet for your emotions/darkness/shadow)
3) cherished and loved (through your tenderness, consideration, and kindness)
4) absolution (freedom from guilt through pain or other trials)
5) overwhelmed (completely removed from everything but the present moment through sensations that fully draw my attention)
6) humiliation (shamed or guilt-tripped in such a way that plays out patterns put down in childhood which create a bizarre sense of "rightness" as well as another form of absolution)
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***Wellbeing meaning your overall wellbeing. It practically goes without saying that I won't suddenly leave you due to becoming ill for a week or two. However, if due to your own actions over time, you degrade your body to the point of being a daily liability to me (and/or to the point of not being able to do the other things on the above list), then . . . Well, refer to exception {5}.
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****By "free-reign" I do mean within reason. Acting out aspects of myself that damage your reputation with friends or family, or damage your property, or risk your job, are (obviously) not okay unless you consent ahead of time to such actions. Damaging forms of expression - like biting you, for example - are up for negotiation as to how far this is allowed. I am not expecting or demanding your consent for me to act upon damaging impulses, but I do require your acceptance of my having these impulses and being able to talk to you about them.
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[[End Outline]]
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You might notice that the above leaves a ton of room for changes to the way we've been living. It leaves a lot of room for mistakes, arguments, difficulties, and challenges.
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The above covers what I feel I need to have a relationship with you. And when the {exceptions} I listed are taken into account, I believe my needs have a lot of room for adaptation.
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There are other things that I want from you very, very highly, to the point of being desperate at times. But the needs I've listed are what I consider to be requirements, whereas my wants are things I do not consider requirements.
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It is true that I very much want to push and encourage you to the point of having rock-hard, visible abdominal muscles, for example. I'm not going to leave you if you don't get there within XYZ amount of time. I'll be disappointed, sad, frustrated and maybe even angry if XYZ time passes and it dawns on me that it won't ever happen for QRSTUVW reasons.
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But, that wouldn't be enough for me to "give up" on you if [4], [5] and [7] are still true.
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I would guess that your love for me is conditional in a fairly similar way. Something like:
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#1 Making you feel safe to express everything/anything
#2 Being willing to listen to your needs and do my best to meet them
#3 Being fully honest/authentic
#4 Willingness/openness to your preferences, lifestyle choices, values, etc
#5 Interest in growth/change/evolution
#6 Stimulating your own growth/introspection/evolution
#7 Providing you with positive feedback
#8 Being willing to cave to your needs, giving you veto capabilities over my person and decisions that affect both of us
#9 Getting to feel like you're rescuing me (which may not be a requirement, but rather just a bonus)
#10 Being physically attractive to you
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You might try to deny #8, but I believe that is a need that you have that fits in perfectly with my willingness to be #8 in exchange for [1].
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Not all at once, but please do try me. Find things you believe you're not allowed to do, that you feel inclined to do, that don't conflict with my list and try them out.
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Yours (as per the above, hah),
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Nuria
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P.S. Something about transcribing my emotions as something akin to a legal layout tickles me in a rather pleasing way.
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. . .
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That night I asked Hibiscus how he felt about what I had written to him.
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"You made it clear that I have truly bought you," he said. His voice was colored with many emotions - fear, sadness, resignation, and perhaps a touch of awe.
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When I asked for clarification he said, "The things you wrote were in order for a reason. You listed that first."
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He went on, and stumbled about for a while, not able to find a comfortable way to express how he was feeling. "But what about me?" he asked. "What about what makes me who I am? Isn't that important too?"
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I asked for more clarification, unsure how what he was saying was relevant to what I had written.
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"How does your list pertain to my individuality?" he asked.
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"It doesn't," I said. "My needs in a relationship are independent from who you are. I love who you are, and I want and like what you are, but my needs would be the same with someone else as they are with you. My list covers the things that I need in a relationship. But you . . . You provide much more than my needs."
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He tightened his grip on me for a moment, pulling me closer.
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"Your list illustrated to me that withdrawing my financial support would be the most damaging thing I could to our relationship," he said.
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I nodded sadly.
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"I assume," he continued, "That the ordering is significant. You put that first, and sex second."
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I nodded again.
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At some point in the conversation he pointed out that I hadn't left Paladin when he stopped supporting me in 2011.
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"Yes, and that is why it is at the top of my list now," I said. "Because that was hell and I don't want to go through it again."
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"Ah," Hibiscus said, nodding. We'd talked of that before, but perhaps he was seeing it in a new light now - in a way that was suddenly much more relevant to him and his relationship with me.
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. . .
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March 16th 2016
Wednesday
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"Gods, I'm so incredibly thankful for you," I texted Hibiscus. "Laying here just thinking and thinking - and trying to ignore menstrual cramps, heh - and all my thoughts are colored by the things you've said to me, done for me, done to me, done with me. Your words coast through my mind. Your image and your touch. It is a great honor to be yours."
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He replied, "And it is a great honor to have been allowed to acquire you."