Dreadlock Conflicts
In November 2015 I summoned the guts to dreadlock my hair. The first night, I created four dreadlocks. I was using the bathroom mirror behind me and my bedroom mirror in front of me. They were both Hibiscus's mirrors.
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That night I went out to karaoke with Otter, Polecat and Hibiscus. Paladin was in Snowland at the time. I loved how they added volume to my simple braid in back. They couldn't be seen under my long, straight hair above.
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Day after day I added a few more dreadlocks. I used the twist-and-split method. I back-combed a little. I used a crochet hook to tighten them up. I used organic cotton thread and a needle to sew little stray bits of hair down.
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Separating my hair to have a single new dreadlock took about twenty minutes. Arranging the mirrors the first time took about ten minutes. Each dreadlock took about half-an-hour to twist, split and crochet into place. Then I spent another twenty minutes per dreadlock with the needle and thread. In summary, each dreadlock was over an hour of work.
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At first I left a little hair around my face, thinking they would be like long bangs. The little waifs of hair around my face turned out to be annoying. By the end of January 2016 I had turned them into dreadlocks. When my entire head was done, I had twenty-four dreadlocks.
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Four or five of them had extensions I created from my own hair. When I was fourteen I had cut my hair and saved it. I hadn't known what I would do to it, but thirteen years later I turned some of it into dreadlocks and attached the hair to my head. It had been dyed a natural red color, so it didn't match my natural brunette color, but it was easy to overlook.
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I also had a small bit of blond hair from when I was a young girl which my mom had kept. I dreaded that as well and added it to my hair.
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The extensions were easy to put in. I crocheted the hair at the end of the dreadlock with the hair at the top of the extension. For a little extra strength, I added thread, but it seemed unnecessary.
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Paladin was unsure about them at first, but over time he grew to like them. He touched them, played with them, even pulled them with his teeth once during sex in December. (We didn't have any sex in January.)
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Hibiscus was slower to warm to them. He missed the long, gorgeous hair I'd had before.
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"You don't play with my hair," I accused Hibiscus.
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"I don't know how to play with them," Hibiscus said. "I'm not sure I know how to play with hair at all. I might have played with your hair as it was before."
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I pouted.
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Over time, he touched them more. On February 5th when we were at a dance event at The Root, he wrapped a dreadlock with a ribbon from the ceiling while I was distracted. When I went to move I was rather shocked to find myself attached. I had Paladin help set me free.
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I went over to Hibiscus and smiled at him.
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On February 9th, I wrote about my dreadlocks:
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. . .
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My dreadlocks itch. They're scratchy on my face and neck, which I'm mostly used to, but my scalp itching is uncomfortable.
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I like how I get to keep my hair, and how I don't have hair in the drain after showering. All the hairs that fall out stay within the dreadlocks. Neat, and volume-building.
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I hate how long it takes for my hair to dry. Wringing out my dreadlocks is exhausting, and I'm always paranoid about them being wet because the last thing I want is moldy dreads.
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I like flinging my hair about while dancing and never worrying about tangles. I feel magical when I dance at The Root, my hair flying around me.
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I have a flaky scalp. I hate how the flakes are getting into my dreadlocks. I'm worried I won't ever be able to get them all out.
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I like putting ribbons in my hair. I like how the ribbons match my wardrobe and feel child-like, fun and free.
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I hate the fuzz. I feel like I have to put so many more hours into my hair to dreadlock the fuzz into my hair. I would be much more okay with that if I was doing it on someone else's head, and not trying to use double-mirrors and glasses to see my head, and constantly moving around to try and see the dreadlock I'm working on from all angles. It is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. After two hours working on my dreadlocks I feel like I've put in a work-day.
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I like feeling empowered to do whatever I want with my hair. I can put it up without a hair-tie. I can braid it. I can put ribbons in. I can dreadlock hair that I cut off years ago into my dreadlocks. I can twist a dreadlock and sew it into place to make it go off in whatever direction I like.
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I don't like that my empowerment is so short-lived. I put in a ribbon and it looks nice for a few weeks, but then slowly the dreadlock gets fuzzy again and needs further work. I twist a dreadlock, crochet it, and sew it into place and it stays coming out at the angle I've designed for a few weeks, but slowly it ends up deciding to go back into my face again.
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I like being able to change the length of my hair at will. I can deadlock in extensions using my own real hair easily. At any point I could decide to cut my hair, but then I could choose to put my own cut-off dreadlocks back on. (I have not cut my hair as of yet, but it has occurred to me.)
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To take a bath I have to get my hair wet. If my hair gets wet, I have to put in essential oils to prevent molding (so I've read), and it also helps with itching. I don't like how this feels time-consuming and money-consuming both.
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I've bought a five milliliter bottle of chamomile essential oil for $33. It is organic and one of the best essential oils I have, but I bought it just for my hair and it feels prohibitive. I've also been using a lot of rosemary and other essential oils as well.
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I like that my hair smells nice. I like that having my hair touched doesn't make me worry about my hair getting tangled. I used to have terrible anxiety about my hair getting tangled and having to brush it out. Brushing out tangles is painful and time-consuming.
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I hate having to break apart the "bridges" of hair that form between one dreadlock and another. This is another mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting part of having dreads.
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I like that it doesn't hurt when my hair is snagged in a zipper. I like that my hair being pulled hardly hurts at all, in general.
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I don't like the panic I feel about my dreadlocks. I'm worrying a lot about how they look, what impressions they give, how healthy my scalp is, how clean my hair is, and how much further maintenance I need to do on my hair.
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I'm disappointed to realize that my idea of putting charms in my hair is a terrible idea. If I had a bunch of metal charms in my hair, then flinging my hair about while dancing would be highly dangerous, and sleeping might become difficult besides.
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I like how it feels when my dreadlocks are played with. I like playing with my own dreadlocks and tugging at them when I'm thinking, feeling mischievous, or frustrated.
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My hair is already exhausting to wash and maintain. I'm not thrilled about the idea that the more ribbons, extensions and growth I have, the more work it will be to wash and possibly also to maintain in other ways.
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I'm afraid that if I cut them off I'll miss my hair terribly and feel like I've betrayed myself. I can't go back to the long hair I had before the dreadlocks. I wouldn't try to comb my dreadlocks out. For one, it'd be physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting. For two, I'd like to keep the dreadlocks. If I change my mind in the future, I could always dreadlock them back onto my head as extensions.
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I like that I don't have to do anything with my hair before I leave the house or after I wake up.
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I'm afraid that if I cut them I'll feel ugly with short hair. I identify with having long hair very strongly. The idea of being a short-haired girl scares me. I never felt as beautiful with short hair. I don't like the photographs of myself with short hair.
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I like feeling distinctive. People recognize my hair easily. I like the playful aspect of having such whimsical hair.
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I feel ashamed that I couldn't foresee even half of these conflicts. I spent months thinking about dreadlocks, studying youtube videos about them and reading about them. I heard about the itching. I watched a video on how to wash them. I just didn't realize how large of an issue some of these would end up being. I didn't foresee how much indecision I would feel each and every time I wanted to take a bath.
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I thought I would keep them for years before cutting them, but as my scalp itches, and I apply essential oil, I wonder. As I take baths, I wonder. As I stress about my hair, I wonder. To my amazement, I see other women with long hair like I had before hand, and I feel envious.
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And yet . . . I recall how annoyed I felt with my hair. I was tired of brushing it. I was tired of braiding it. I was tired of being tired of it. I wanted a change, and I always wanted dreadlocks. For that, how can I be sorry? It has been a fun adventure, but I do think this adventure's days are numbered.
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. . .
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After writing I felt incredibly inclined to cut them off right then and there. I've processed it. Now they can go.
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But indecision wracked me. I went forward with my day. I made myself a smoothie using maple water, frozen strawberries, frozen apricot, frozen plum, frozen blueberry and fresh banana. The smoothie was my first using maple sap. It was good, but I didn't feel even vaguely satisfied after drinking it.
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Hibiscus came upstairs. He told me about how productive his morning had been thus far. He was in good spirits. I wanted to touch him, to smell him, to cuddle up and lose a day with him. It wasn't to be. He would return to work. I would go to my dance classes. When I returned he would still be in a Silverstag meeting at Otter's place, and after that he might want to work on more Silverstag-related things.
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But, in the midst of that, we'd planned to spend his lunch break walking to the maple trees together. Paladin was coming along too. I looked forward to that.
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I laid down on my bed and began listening to myself reading aloud The General's Mistress again. I hadn't listened in a few days. To my surprise, the main character cut her hair just a short ways into the chapter.
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Coincidence? I think not.
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I sighed.
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Dreadlocks, your days - maybe even your hours - are numbered.
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Follow-up post about my dreadlocks here.