EXERCISE: How Do You Experience Jealousy?
Leopardus writes: "I'm doing some relationship homework with my dear partner, and I wondered if you'd be interested in joining in the exercise and talking to me about your experience sometime. If you're in, here's the assignment."
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"Oh, I look forward to this!" I replied. December rolled on by, and it was mid-January before I finally read the assignment.
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"EXERCISE: How Do You Experience Jealousy?"
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I snorted to myself. As a very, very trying thing. Leopardus and I had talked a little about this subject before, when he and Durga had visited my apartment in Snowland on September 25th 2015.
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"Set aside some time for introspection. Remember some times when you felt jealous, and write about how that felt. You may find your mind preoccupied with thoughts about what those other people were doing. It may take a little patience to go back to your own feelings: rage, grief, despair, desperation, anxiety; feelings of being lost, ugly, lonely, worthless; or whatever other feelings are particular to how you experience jealousy."
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To Leopardus, I wrote:
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Most of my jealousy is about food. I've had practically no experience with having a metamour or even sharing a man with another woman for an encounter. Food jealousy, however, is something I experience on a daily basis - or whenever I see people eating.
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When other people eat, I immediately feel like I'm missing something. I want to experience pleasurable flavors and smells too. When someone else's food smells good, I especially want to eat it. But usually I know I can't. Very few people eat a single meal in a weak that my own body would be willing to tolerate.
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When I see someone eating rice with hot sauce or steamed vegetables, I become incredibly jealous. Not just envious - which would mean wanting to simply have it too, but jealous in the sense that I'd rather they didn't get any if I can't have any. Sure, sharing it with them would be plenty enough, but since I know that isn't an option, I tend to become angry and depressed.
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I get especially angry when others feel "limited" in how they eat, or complain about a lack of options. While I don't feel that a raw vegetarian diet is limiting whatsoever, my own body's prescribed limitations are more limited than a usual raw vegetarian diet. I want to rail at others and say, "Limited? You have no idea! Imagine choosing every meal based on necessity. You're lucky that your body is allowing you to choose so freely without having to suffer through acid reflux, bloating, stomach cramps, muscle cramps, nausea and headaches."
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I know it isn't really luck. I don't believe in luck. And I know it isn't black and white like that. I know I'm manifesting my sensitivities to fumes, foods, sounds, and so forth, as a way of creating boundaries for myself that I would otherwise violate in order to be "one of the hive."
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When it comes to relationships with other people, I believe the root cause of my jealousy is the same. I'm afraid that another woman would change my partners, would create a vote "against" me. Let me explain . . .
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If Paladin had someone else who was more "normal" and could enjoy movies, stir-fries, continual music being played, camp-fires and so on, what use would he have for me? I want to feel like I have allies who are "in this with me" and it is hard to feel that way if I have partners and metamours who live a very different lifestyle than I do.
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I'm also afraid of the idea of either of my partners spending money on another woman. I've had perpetual fear of not having enough money most of my life, and have sought to reduce my dependence on money altogether. But it's been neigh on impossible due to my need for a diet consisting primarily of organic greens and fruits.
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While most raw foodists can save costs easily by eating a lot of seeds, sprouts, bananas, oats and oils - these foods don't agree with me. Thus, I've spent 95% of the money I've ever earned in my life on food - literally.
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In my book, I explain how I've lived in rent-free situations, how I've found furniture for free or for very low prices. I explain how I've managed to dress in all organic clothing for less money than many people spend on their conventional cotton clothes. I even explain how I've managed in the past to utilize C.S.A. shares (community supported agriculture) to eat for as little as $130 per person, per month, while eating a 100% organic diet.
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So yes, I've found ways around it. But really, like anyone else, I want to just relax and feel like my basic needs will be met. The idea of money needlessly leaving our little loop scares me. That fear turns to fury which then burns down into disappointment, depression and resignation.
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"We are often tempted to accuse ourselves about horrid feelings, as if we needed some sort of proper justification for feeling lousy. Try having some compassion for yourself when you feel so bad."
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It is hard not to beat myself up over my feelings. I would like to think of myself as generous, kind, loving, and open-hearted. But the idea of a metamour literally terrifies me. When I think about it, my hands start to twitch, my chin starts to tremble, and I find myself reaching for the closest food item to distract myself from how disconcerted I feel.
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"Or do a freewrite about jealousy - set a timer for five or ten minutes and just write down whatever comes into your mind. When you’re through writing, be kind to yourself."
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I imagine Paladin kissing another girl. I'm immediately flaming with anger. I want to pull them apart. I want to scream at her that "he's mine!" and she'd better leave her hands off. I wouldn't have the guts to do it, because I'd feel horrible if I did such a thing. I just stand there and watch, wringing my hands, tears forming in my eyes, and then I walk away, my stomach all knotted up, a terrible blackness consuming me.
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I imagine her asking if he's free to go see the latest Star Wars movie, which of course, he has not seen yet. He's already promised me that he'd spend that night with me since Hibiscus will be tied up that evening. But she is willing to pay, and he wants to see the movie, and this is her one free evening this week. So I imagine that he goes and sees it with her.
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Afterward she comes on to him, and even though he said he'd be back by a certain time, he doesn't come back. He doesn't answer his texts or calls. After having sex with her it would be rude to call me or leave, so he stays the night. I imagine myself crying and crying and crying, with nobody there for me, and nothing I can do. And I can't complain without being a bitch, but of course I can't help but complain and be angry.
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So when I see him I would start out cool, distant. I would be irreconcilable. I'd yell at him. He would drown in guilt, and I'd drown in mine. Our relationship would be ruptured, and there would be no way out. I can't forbid him from seeing her, and if he stopped seeing a girl he loved because of my hurt feelings, he'd resent me, and I'd resent him for having her, and her for having him.
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This sort of worst-case-scenario runs through my head quick as lightning when I imagine having a metamour, perhaps partly because I've had that experience in monogamous relationships just with my exes having friends. My third love, Porcupine, would often say he'd be home at a certain time, but then would be as much as seven hours late because he was drinking with his friends.
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My first love, Wolf, was the same way, minus the drinking, and usually three hours, not seven. But my second love, Dragon, was more a hermit, and I loved how he was with me most evenings. He preferred my company to anyone else's and it was obvious to me.
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Paladin, my fourth love and husband of six years, was a major hermit before meeting me, and he's been a hermit after meeting me as well. But due to my social inclinations and his ability to help me become better at being diplomatic and social, I've introduced him to more and more people, and now he often leans toward wanting friendships, and has even begun to mention perhaps wanting a girlfriend - particularly since Hibiscus entered my life.
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I actually feel like my emotions - fury and fear primarily - are justified. I've felt a gaping lack of family, friends and funds most of my life. I had my parents growing up, but I didn't have grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles that doted on me or even visited. I didn't have friends I could confide in, or hang out with.
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Even today, I feel like it is hard to find someone I can rely on in my life. I feel blessed to have Hibiscus as well as Paladin, but I feel like my resources outside of them are much more tenuous. I'm am thankful that it seems unlikely that I will have to share either of them any time soon.
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On the flip-side, I feel that having to share someone is inevitable as a polyamorous person, and thus, I've tried and tried to process my jealousy and come to the root of it.
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While all the branches of the jealousy are valid, true aspects of it, I believe one of the most central, core roots is a matter of self-worth. My concept of self-worth revolves around being a "good wife" or "good partner" almost exclusively. If being a "good wife" meant being a "bad person" then it would be a no-brainer for me to choose being a bad person.
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I've struggled a lot with my self-worth since meeting Hibiscus for that very reason. Ugly doubts have reared their heads - can I really be a good enough partner for two men at once? Is it really fair or kind of me to ask them to share, especially when I desperately don't want to share?
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They've both assured me that they're okay and feel blessed to have me. They like one another. Paladin even helps me a lot with my confused emotions about Hibiscus, and Hibiscus often reminds me of the reasons why I love Paladin so much even when I'm in the midst of ranting about Paladin.
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My self-worth bounces between, "I'm amazing, I'm a good partner to two men! Go me!" and, "Oh my god, I'm such a failure. How did I think I could possibly be good enough for two men at once?" The latter is brought on by the smallest things.
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For example, Paladin and Hibiscus have very different communication styles. I have trouble switching between them at times, leading to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. This stretches from body-language communication to voice inflection. Paladin really doesn't appreciate it if I use the same methods for communication with him that I use with Hibiscus.
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When I upset either one of them, especially for a reason that seems directly caused by having both of them, I feel particularly lousy. In theory, a metamour could "take the pressure off," but my ego tells me I have to be "everything" to my partner, and the idea that I might need less pressure feels like I'm a failure in and of itself.
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Another aspect of this is privacy. (As I wrote about in, " But what if you fell in love with a private woman?") Currently, there is nothing Paladin would keep secret from me about his day-to-day life and vise versa. With Hibiscus, there is very little. He may have "company secrets" and he has a weekly co-counseling session with a friend which he never tells me the details of whatsoever, but these were established before I came into the picture, and have virtually no bearing on my understanding of Hibiscus as a person, or his life in general.
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But, were either of them to have a girlfriend who wanted their partnership to be "just between them," suddenly I would be locked out of huge swaths of their experience. Suddenly I couldn't know all of their inner-most feelings, struggles, hopes, dreams, desires, and passions. Now they might come home depressed or delighted and not be able to share with me what it is about. The idea of that brings me so low that suicide seems more appealing.
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I've talked with Paladin about this at length, and he has agreed that he will only take on a girlfriend who agrees to be secondary to me, and understands that we have a "complete transparency" policy. This makes me feel worlds and worlds safer, but not entirely safe.
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"Or write a letter to your jealousy. Ask it what it’s trying to accomplish. Ask it for advice. Then have your jealousy write a letter to you. Exercise from The Ethical Slut."
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Dear Jealousy . . .
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You're a pain in my ass, but I know you're a feeling that serves a purpose. You're trying to protect me and enrich my life, aren't you? What can I do to honor myself and my need to feel safe? Is it possible to do that without you, jealousy?
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- Nuria
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Dear Nuria . . .
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Stop being so hard on yourself. Feeling jealous isn't as scary as you think. Let yourself really feel it and it will move through, as it is meant to. When you feel it, really feel it. Your fears will surface, and it will be a grand opportunity to explore yourself and know yourself more deeply.
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You've chosen jealousy as part of your experience because you love knowing yourself, and this tool will help you delve more deeply into self-understanding. There is nothing wrong with any emotion, not even jealousy. It isn't unfair or "bad" for you to feel jealous.
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As always, authenticity and honesty with yourself and others will see you through.
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- Your Inner Wisdom