Mulat
Kalapana, Hawaii
The cling of sunshine and volcanic polyps still stick on your pores. Parang nandoon ka pa din. Vastness. Ang ganda ng ilaw, iba ang pakiramdam na may malawak na nasisinagan. The space made you feel alive. I know you. Binusog mo yung mata mo, as if that could solve everything-pang-baon pag balik sa Manila. Like the oceanic ruggedness of the North Shore could save you, the old and new craters on Kilauea could console you. Gumaan ba ang pakiramdam mo?
Here lies Earth, here lies the water, so in this scheme, sino ka ba dapat? Bakit ba struggle? Ano ang inuwi mo?
Tama na. Alam kong pagod ka na. Para sa’yo naman ‘to lahat. Para sa’yo din ang kawalan. Breathe in your own space, be what you want. Do what you want, dress how you like. There’s no need to be more, to strive for the sake of striving. Kinasaya mo ba yung promotion mo? You’ve warped “upwardly moile” as something you have to maintain.
No need to start a start-up, no need to have a nice feed, no need to have exhibitions to attend every weekend, no need to learn how to create a macrame hanging for a plant, no need to prove your fancy sounding job title, no need to hide a semi-broken heart, no need to follow every tragic news cycle, no need to be a fucking connoisseur of every fucking thing, and definitely not all at fucking once. Ano ka ba?? Hindi ka pastiche ng mga pangarap ng lahat ng taong nakilala mo. Be a sponge and learn and all that shit, pero ano na, gusto mo ba yung mga pino-project mo? Para saan ang effort, ‘te? It’s all just empty exhuberances. Kapagod ‘yan. Tama na.
At ‘di ka rin brand, so tigilan mo yung subconscious strat planning mo. If you could be summed up by a hashtag then you’re not doing the life thing right. Stop that bullshit. Tama na.
Yung totoo, depressed ka. You and i know this. High-functioning ka nga lang. Everyone’s spouting off that “depression doesn’t have a face”. Maybe that’s the truth for them, pero para sa ‘yo, it rings like a falsehood. Kasi di lang RBF ang sinosolusyonan mo ngayon. Your biggest fear is that they’ll see through the Marc Jacobs foundation (maganda siya to be fair), the saktong eclectic outfit, the IDGAF façade, and see the gaping black hole there.
Depression has a face, and no Beauty Blender can help you hide it, but bless you for trying. 'Di ka naman nagkulang eh, pero wala. Kita pa rin. It’s in your deep eyebags, the stubborn whiteheads on your chin, the roots you haven’t bothered to cover. The white hair taking more residence on your scalp? Parang totoo na eh. Eto na ‘yun. Old age is terraforming on your skin, no matter how fucking crazy that sounds, even to someone already unhinged like you. You’ve run out of your 20s. You've run out of options. You feel like you've run out of hope.
The last one is a falsehood, please know that. Meron, if you look. And not even hard enough. You are not a self-sustaining source of energy. At some point, you need to plug in to the kindness of others. Hindi ka pulo.
Chos.
Pero one last year. Not that it matters. Ano ba naman ang isang taon? Isang taon to keep it together...if not for yourself then maybe for your mom. I don't think you'll be able to take the thought of breaking her heart, of seeing her gouge her eyes out in grief over your selfishness. Also, that's not the best plan, ano ka ba. Ano ka ba. Tama na.
Pero imagine, also, isang buong taon. You could kick at least one bad habit. Or have one more nice thing to say about yourself. That's worth it, I think.
Andito ka na eh. Andito ka pa rin. Kaya tama na. Lean in to me.