(no subject)
God is faithful. Of this I am sure, but sometimes I need to take a moment to see it.
I look back at the last 7 years of my life, since I moved to Ireland in 2004. In my mind this whole process and experience has been distinctly marked by two things. Loneliness and Longing. Aren’t those the two companions in Hinds Feet? Even if they aren’t, they have been my constant companions.
Music reminds me of this. I hear certain times and can think back easily to another time when I listened to that same piece of music, alone, in a similar contemplative state, of loneliness and solitude.
Sometimes the loneliness has not been negative, but peace filled and contemplative. Sometimes it has been so deeply bitter and soul consuming it makes me weep, or steals my tears and simply enters my soul.
The longing is one I have rarely, if ever been able to satisfy. I long to belong. I long to become. I long to be a part of something amazing, to use the capacity inside me to make an impact, to change the world. It sounds so stupid, and so impossible, so far fetched... and so far out of reach. My dreams are beginning to fade, and longing, instead of being a driving force onwards, becomes a dull ache of the knowledge of what could have been... had I been someone better.
There is a group of white people I meet with every week here, to have dinner and discussion with. I do not fit. In any way, shape or form, I am totally not like them. And yet I sit with my African friends and totally don’t know what they are talking about most of the time. I don’t fit.
When I think of the world, the entire world over, there is no where that I fit. And that is heart breaking, that is somehow soul destroying. It’s devastating. We can use the old cliché of “not made for here”... designed for a heavenly home... but I believe in the resurrection, and the kingdom of God breaking through, on earth as it is in heaven... the new Jerusalem, the new heaven and new earth. So longing for a day when
I will be whisked away from everything is somehow pointless... though I can dream of a day when I am truly free, and most of all truly known.
I long to love, and be loved. I long to know, and be known.
I crave and long for community, which we all know is what we are created for. Yet I feel, with each passing year, that I am being split off more and more from the vine... pushed farther and farther from the love and protection, the safety and the knowledge of the other which makes me grow and blossom.
Life is difficult. That’s a fact. But does it have to be so joyless? Hardship does not mean constant heartache.
I fear becoming fake. I fear that eventually the pain will become too much and I will shut down, unable to handle to loneliness and longing which is in me.
Why am I always solo? Why am I always far? When will I find what it is that brings me joy and life... when will I have what I crave? I know I will never be fully satisfied here, but something in me tells me there is more than the life I am living, this lonely path I have been walking for the last 7 years.
It’s time for this to change. I wish I knew how. All that I am is totally sick of being alone. I need others, I need people to walk with. But because there is nowhere I belong, there is nowhere I can go to make everything better.
And so I wonder as I wander... perhaps home is a person, perhaps happiness is a fresh breeze, perhaps peace is elusive only because we think it is, perhaps there is more in everyday life than meets the eye, perhaps it is far from over.
They say that hope does not disappoint... but these last years, hope has been a constant disappointment.
I can continue to have faith, with a dose of realism. Perhaps I will find it, and perhaps I won’t... that place I belong where loneliness and longing will leave me. And if I do not find that place, I need to start finding a way to get to know these companions along the way.
God is faithful I am sure. But I also know that within Trinity there is no loneliness, and only beautiful longing. I aspire to be more like them.
I look back at the last 7 years of my life, since I moved to Ireland in 2004. In my mind this whole process and experience has been distinctly marked by two things. Loneliness and Longing. Aren’t those the two companions in Hinds Feet? Even if they aren’t, they have been my constant companions.
Music reminds me of this. I hear certain times and can think back easily to another time when I listened to that same piece of music, alone, in a similar contemplative state, of loneliness and solitude.
Sometimes the loneliness has not been negative, but peace filled and contemplative. Sometimes it has been so deeply bitter and soul consuming it makes me weep, or steals my tears and simply enters my soul.
The longing is one I have rarely, if ever been able to satisfy. I long to belong. I long to become. I long to be a part of something amazing, to use the capacity inside me to make an impact, to change the world. It sounds so stupid, and so impossible, so far fetched... and so far out of reach. My dreams are beginning to fade, and longing, instead of being a driving force onwards, becomes a dull ache of the knowledge of what could have been... had I been someone better.
There is a group of white people I meet with every week here, to have dinner and discussion with. I do not fit. In any way, shape or form, I am totally not like them. And yet I sit with my African friends and totally don’t know what they are talking about most of the time. I don’t fit.
When I think of the world, the entire world over, there is no where that I fit. And that is heart breaking, that is somehow soul destroying. It’s devastating. We can use the old cliché of “not made for here”... designed for a heavenly home... but I believe in the resurrection, and the kingdom of God breaking through, on earth as it is in heaven... the new Jerusalem, the new heaven and new earth. So longing for a day when
I will be whisked away from everything is somehow pointless... though I can dream of a day when I am truly free, and most of all truly known.
I long to love, and be loved. I long to know, and be known.
I crave and long for community, which we all know is what we are created for. Yet I feel, with each passing year, that I am being split off more and more from the vine... pushed farther and farther from the love and protection, the safety and the knowledge of the other which makes me grow and blossom.
Life is difficult. That’s a fact. But does it have to be so joyless? Hardship does not mean constant heartache.
I fear becoming fake. I fear that eventually the pain will become too much and I will shut down, unable to handle to loneliness and longing which is in me.
Why am I always solo? Why am I always far? When will I find what it is that brings me joy and life... when will I have what I crave? I know I will never be fully satisfied here, but something in me tells me there is more than the life I am living, this lonely path I have been walking for the last 7 years.
It’s time for this to change. I wish I knew how. All that I am is totally sick of being alone. I need others, I need people to walk with. But because there is nowhere I belong, there is nowhere I can go to make everything better.
And so I wonder as I wander... perhaps home is a person, perhaps happiness is a fresh breeze, perhaps peace is elusive only because we think it is, perhaps there is more in everyday life than meets the eye, perhaps it is far from over.
They say that hope does not disappoint... but these last years, hope has been a constant disappointment.
I can continue to have faith, with a dose of realism. Perhaps I will find it, and perhaps I won’t... that place I belong where loneliness and longing will leave me. And if I do not find that place, I need to start finding a way to get to know these companions along the way.
God is faithful I am sure. But I also know that within Trinity there is no loneliness, and only beautiful longing. I aspire to be more like them.