Women and money
I am only posting bits and pieces. Full article can be found at the link at the end.
Men, Women and Money
By: Olivia Millan, Karina Piskaldo, Olivia Millan and Karina Piskaldo Olivia Millan and Karina Piskaldo
Money is such an emotionally loaded topic that few couples discuss it directly. Yet it is, more than sex, what drives partners apart. Psychotherapist Olivia Mellan shows how to put money in its place.
For most people, money is never just money, a tool to accomplish some of life's goals. It is love, power, happiness, security, control, dependency, independence, freedom and more. Money is so loaded a symbol that to unload it--and I believe it must be unloaded to live in a fully rational and balanced relationship to money--reaches deep into the human psyche. Usually, when the button of money is pressed, deeper issues emerge that have long been neglected. As a result, money matters are a perfect vehicle for awareness and growth.
Most people relate to money much as they relate to a person--in an ongoing and complex way that taps deep-seated emotions. When two individuals form an enduring relationship with each other, money is always a partner, too. In these liberated times, couples discuss many things before marriage, but the meaning of money is not one of them. Money is still a taboo topic. Often, the silence is a shield for the shame, guilt and anxiety people feel about their own ways with money. I, for one, would not want to tell a date that I'm an overspender.
Many individuals have a troubled relationship with money. Then, when they get into a couple relationship, money matters get explosive. Other people may have no problem with money individually; the trouble starts after they're in the relationship.
Another important difference between men and women concerns their interests in merging their money. Typically, men want to merge all the couple money--while maintaining primary decision-making power. Women want to keep at least some money separate.
The fight goes like this:
HE: "Why do you want separate money? You must not trust me. Are you planning to file for a divorce?"
SHE: "Why do you want to merge all of our money? It must be that you want to control me."
There may be truth in both positions. Still, experience has led me to see a very positive, and probably unconscious, longing in both views, and it has to do with the challenge of intimacy. Merging, getting connected and staying connected, is more difficult for men. At the first sign of conflict, it's easy for them to withdraw.
I believe that men's desire to merge the family money is a loving expression of the desire for intimacy and connection. Perhaps it is even a safeguard against their withdrawing. I have come to see that women want separate money as a loving expression of their need for healthy autonomy. Their biggest challenge in relationships is not losing themselves; it's holding on to their own sense of self.
Neither his demand for merged money nor her desire for separate funds is a position taken up against the spouse--although that is how partners tend to see it. When couples understand this, their new perspective has the power to transform their entire relationship.
American culture, I believe, makes a big mistake in pressuring married couples to merge all their money. It is in fact unwise for couples to merge money right away. Since couples don't talk about money before they marry, you don't know if you're tying yourself to an overspender in debt or a worrier who could drive you crazy.
Couples can merge some of their common assets for joint expenses, savings and investing and keep the rest separate. That definitely averts some kinds of conflicts. Your partner doesn't get to comment on how you spend your money. I've always kept a portion of money apart because I knew I was an overspender and I didn't want to mess up the family finances or credit rating.
Alternatively, couples could merge some money and only the woman could have separate funds. Solutions do not have to be symmetrical to work well. They just have to appeal to the deeper needs of both partners. The difficulty is in making clear to the other what your own needs are.