Apr 08, 2005 07:52
I feel so disgusting, worthless, hidious. I have a bunch of school work to do, but I m going to put make up on and shit to get ready for nothing, in hopes it will make me feel less worthless. I think I m going to call my dad today. I havent talked to him in over a month. I have to tell him about the demo thing. He will only be negative like everyone else in my family. But music is all I have, so how bad could it be when the desperation and satisfaction in my vioce are both high and transparent. They will most likley be right though. I will fail in one way or another. But if I cant try them Ive been living for no reason for years. I think I have to tell my dad I have psycological problems I have never gotten over from him leaving. I ve tried before. He doesnt listen. And foolishly I will try again. It is wracking at my brain too much to stay silent. Every so often all the shit about my dad leaving comes back up and I battle with it in my mind again. I always do but at these points I can think of nothing but. I believe my father ruined me by age 3. But its not his fault. He s human and he made a decision, we all make decisions all the time that affect people. oh well. Mom said that she thinks I dont believe anyone can love me because I dont love myself. And that I dont love myself because my father left. So to me its like he didnt love me and he chose who he loved, so why should I love myself when it seemed someone I loved the most didnt love me. She said it better though. I think she might be right, atleast partially. I m going to smoke and think now.
END OF POST.