Fresh Air and Exorcise

[numisma]

Title: Fresh Air and Exorcise
Fandom: Inuyasha
Genre: Parody/Satire (what's the difference between them?)
Pairings: Inuyasha/Kagome, and other surprise ones
Rating: PG-13 for language and implications
Word Count: 3949
Summary: Kagome's sore. Hojo's eyes suffer from identity crisis. Inuyasha's a one night stand victim. And Yuka, Eri, and Ayumi? They're learning the hard way that you should never mix exorcisms with rope bondage.

Fresh Air and Exorcise

When Kagome awoke sprawled upon the floor of Ayumi’s basement and groggily took in her surroundings, she couldn’t decide what to damn first: the unyielding soreness between her legs, a bound and gagged Hojo’s convincing impersonation of Linda Blair’s most famous acting job, or the séance setup that was no doubt the doing of her meddlesome friends.

Oh fuck it, she told herself in a resigned but uncharacteristic manner. Damn them all. Except the first one. She’d damn the one responsible for said soreness instead.

The schoolgirl groaned when she saw her overenthusiastic friends taking note that she had regained consciousness. “Okay, you three, what possessed you to tie him up?” They blinked in response, carefully gauging her every movement. Kagome tried again. “What’s with the candles and the table and-”

But she cut herself off. All three of them were staring warily at her like hunters cornering an unpredictable quarry. They shot each other a series of worried glances, no doubt speaking in telepathic schoolgirlese, something Kagome had never really gotten the hang of.

Then Yuka spoke up. “Hojo is possessed. We don’t know what happened before we came upon you two-”

“But whatever it was,” Eri broke in, “we’re going to do our best to normalize him.” The grins she and Ayumi gave Kagome unnerved her to the point of involuntary shuddering.

“That’s, uh, not really necessary.” Kagome attempted to stand, her limbs still wobbly from her fainting spell. Unattended over in his corner of the basement, a blindfolded Hojo thrashed in place, his muffled cries immediately ensnaring her attention.

It was all one big mix up, Kagome knew. Possession was not Hojo’s “ailment.” It was more along the lines of him experiencing technical spiritual difficulties. He certainly wasn’t all there in the head, but Eri, Yuka, and Ayumi wouldn’t accomplish anything with a séance. Or, at least she didn’t think they could.

Strength returned to her legs. Under the scrupulous watch of her friends, and with Hojo supplying a wondrously distracting background ambience of what she knew were cries of something other than help, Kagome dusted off her skirt and crossed her arms over her chest, turning on one heel as if to make a run for the doorway.

But her only escape route seemed blocked. They were mere feet from the stairwell, and she was across the room from it. Drat.

Yuka seemed to anticipate Kagome’s thoughts of fleeing, for she stationed herself in front of the doorway and the other two soon advanced on the apprehensive girl in their midst.

Kagome eeped and made a run for it. With Cheshire grins and Naraku-esque brows, Eri and Ayumi caught and restrained her easily, then dragged her toward another chair.

“I’m sorry, but this is for your own good, Kagome-chan,” Ayumi chirped as she held her struggling friend in place while the other brought out some rope. “Your participation is vital for the exorcism. We can’t let you escape.”

Kagome sighed, retreating deep into her thoughts as she gave in and her friends tied her to the chair and started setting things up. Lighting incense and candles, turning down the lights, dragging poor, helpless Hojo over to the seat across from her, blah blah blah.

It had started out as such a nice day, too.

Waking up had been a dream, indeed. The night before had been a bit of a nightmare, but that was because someone didn’t know what the hell he was doing. Still, she’d been so full of bliss first thing in the morning that she’d found it noticeably easy to ignore the aching soreness that spread all over her entire back. Bliss and all from waking up next to him, escaping homeward had been somewhat opportune. She hadn’t been to school in forever, and she’d arrived early enough to attend school that morning.

After final period had let out, she’d immediately gone straight to this seedy neighborhood she’d heard about from an anonymous source, a place her parents had always told her was not where young females ought to go. Good girl as she was, there were necessities Kagome was far too embarrassed to obtain “over the counter.” According to her source, the vending machines on one particular block sold exactly what she sought.

It was upon her return from the Japanese ghetto, where the underground black market was based, that Kagome had run almost head on into Hojo. Shortly after she’d turned a corner, he had popped up out of nowhere, whistling inattentively, looking everywhere but where he was going.

And that was where everything had taken a turn for the worse.

The first oddness Kagome had noticed, after quickly hiding her secret purchase in the back of her panties, was that Hojo seemed a bit… off-balance? She’d literally bumped into him on several occasions in the past, but this was the first time she’d ever seen him fall backwards like a wet sponge. The boy must have recently suffered from an inner ear infection for his balance to be so wonky. She’d helped him up after recovering from shock and surprise.

“Careful,” was the first thing she’d said. It was awkward, telling the boy who’d always looked out for her health to be on the lookout for his own. “Hey, you okay there?”

Hojo had seemed a bit oblivious, not immediately recognizing her. The schoolgirl had pulled him off to the side, out of the way of passers-by, about to ask again when… “Oh, Kagome. It’s you.” Hojo had smiled at her.

“Uh, yes, it is.” Since when did Hojo call her anything but Higurashi? Perhaps he needed his head checked.

“You know, it’s your birthday tomorrow,” he’d gone on, oblivious to her slight discomfort, “and I wanted to know, could I take you out to a movie?”

“Hojo? H-how do you know when my birthday is?”

His left eye had twitched then, and Kagome could have sworn both irises had turned crystal blue for a passing moment before he blinked the illusion away.

Was he bruised or bleeding at the back of his head?

Concerned, Kagome had dared to dart a hand back there to inspect things, when Hojo had intercepted her hand and grabbed for the other, firmly holding both together in his hands. That, and his eyes had flickered, this time locking on a dark ice color.

Stepping back, however, a sheepish grin on her face and all, had yielded nothing more than the currently creepy blue-eyed Hojo advancing a step. “Hojo? I, uh, I asked you a question?”

For the next few moments, they’d practically danced farther along the sidewalk, Kagome desperately trying to escape, and Hojo doing nothing more than escaping with her, much to her displeasure. She’d finally ended up against a tree, with him thankfully making no further move to- well, he stayed put.

In an attempt to keep herself calm, Kagome had forced all thoughts from her mind. The only one that refused to leave was how the tree bark reminded her just how sore she was, in very uncomfortable ways. He was probably just sick… right? She’d dealt with demons for years. A kooky Hojo ought to be no problem.

“Ah, Kagome,” the foreigner disguised as Hojo went on, ignoring her nervous prattle, “I haven’t seen you in weeks. Are you still ill these days?”

“Well, my back hurts a little bit,” she’d disclosed honestly, a nervous chuckle following her words as she desperately wished someone would notice her apprehension and separate them. “And I’ve got enough backlogged homework to fill my entire closet and-”

“It’s that stupid hanyou, isn’t it?”

Other than her eyes widening in shock, Kagome hadn’t known how to properly react. In retrospect, not many choices had been available anyway. She’d tried to sidle off, tugging her hands free while silently panicking, but now he’d gotten a good grip on her arm.

Presently sitting against her will in the chair, Kagome realized that while those grins of her friends just earlier she’d found almost catty, Hojo’s grin had been wolfish, instantly reminding her of-

She’d quickly sputtered out a command that he not take another step near her.

What transpired then had utterly shocked her, though, and still did to a degree. He hadn’t taken another step forward; rather, a strange whirlwind of debris had begun flurrying about that seemed to distract him. Hojo’s attention diverted, she’d darted off, only to drag both of them to the ground, his hand still clamped onto her arm. Strangely, no passers-by had bothered them, like they were invisible.

A short scuffle later, Kagome was on her feet, the weirdo disguised as Hojo still following her. “Kagomeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Wait for me!”

Her back toward him, Kagome had stopped dead in her tracks at the familiar-sounding wail. That was definitely not Hojo.

Kagome had turned to give him a once-over, her panic subsiding, slowly replaced with curiosity, confusion, and a whole menagerie of other similar yet still-distinguishable states of being. The pathetic figure had gone onto his knees, put his hands up and begun to beg.

And his eyes, she’d determined by that time, were clearly suffering from identity crisis. They had become green.

Kagome scowled, trying to ignore Hojo’s current chair thumping and howls of joy. Meanwhile, her captors and so-called friends hustled and bustled about, readying the finishing touches for the stupid séance that Kagome was certain would do nothing constructive.

After all that, most of what had gone on was foggy. The throbbing lump currently spreading across the back of her head was probably to blame. Perhaps her loss of sanity had occurred at the precise moment when all three of her friends had coincidentally shown up. Hojo had no longer been begging on his knees like an Ayumi Hamasaki fangirl by that time. They’d found him shaking his fist in the air, verbally reprehending her, and squawking out something akin to “You wretched human girl!”

Overwhelmed by everything Hojo-related, Kagome had immediately fainted, collapsed to the sidewalk and blacked out. She recollected that much. After that, she had no idea how she’d gotten to Ayumi’s basement. But here she was, annoyed beyond belief at her friends’ stupidity. If they’d seen what she’d seen of him, they’d know better than to try exorcising the poor soul- er, souls.

Kagome coughed, though the others took no notice. The aromatic incense was beginning to bother her. It was a scent she didn’t take to all that fondly, and it enhanced her already brimming irritation and annoyance.

“All done!” Yuka clapped her hands together with the enthusiasm of Jakotsu after receiving permission to touch Inuyasha’s ears. “You ready, Kagome-chan?”

“As ready as she’ll ever be,” Ayumi quickly supplied before Kagome could answer.

“What’s there to be ready for?” Kagome asked, her eyes narrowing into a glare aimed at Yuka. No, Eri. No- damnit! She couldn’t pick which of her friends deserved her mental assault rifle the most.

“Why, we’re going to channel the demons inside him into your body and then drive them out of you, forever,” Eri chimed in, a pleased look on her face. “Using your body to purify and neutralize them, that is,” she added with a wink.

Whose idea was this?

The girl sighed, tugging at her bindings. “Look, Hojo’s not possessed, and there’s nothing to channel out of him.”

Yuka pressed a fingertip to Kagome’s nose in a beeping gesture, complete with motherly sound effect. Kagome was not amused. “Now, don’t you worry, Kagome-chan. I’ve never done this before, but my Papa did exorcisms as a side hobby until I was ten. I know what I’m doing.”

“Mmmmmmmmpffffhhhh mmmmmmmnyiiiiinnnn!”

“Shut up, Hojo,” Ayumi said cheerfully as she sidled over to his right side and smacked him on the back of his head, eliciting another muffled shout from him.

Kagome groaned and shook her head. This was going to be a long evening.

Ayumi called for quiet, and there was, except for Hojo’s muffled droning in the background. Smacking him again for good measure didn’t have any effect, so she left it at that. Yuka pulled a small guidebook out from under the black velvet covered table, found the correct page, and began reading some spooky, chant-needy passage.

“Remove his blindfold, Eri.”

“Yes, Yuka.” Her hands expertly dodged his thrashing head in doing so. Then she stabilized his chair firmly on the ground, no longer able to rock back and forth or side to side. Blindfold gone, the male’s eyes blinked rapidly in the low light.

Kagome stared. His irises didn’t even match this time, nor did they stay the same for more than ten seconds. One kept fluctuating between green and blue, while the other went from black to brown to… a golden amber?

Geez, how many people were inside him?

She continued to stare at Hojo while he struggled with his bindings. He almost seemed to growl against his spit-soaked gag. Both of them were oblivious to her friends’ continuation of the ritual.

Yuka’s half-assed foreign chanting droned on, barely audible over Hojo. By now, the other two girls had knelt and forcefully held his chair in place.

Finally tearing her gaze from the boy who’d spent the last three years asking her out, Kagome shot a look at Yuka before allowing her gaze to fall upon the table. Maybe if she stared into the blackness long enough, she’d conk out, wake up, and discover this was all just a nightmare.

She knew there would be no such luck. It was all too real. The ropes around her thighs that bound her to her seat were too tight for her liking, and her entire rump was screaming in pain from being pressed against flat, upholstery-free metal. She tried tugging at her arms, but they were firmly bound to her sides and the chair back. In resignation she tilted her head back, rolling her eyes beneath her upper lids like a dead person.

Loudly snapping the guidebook closed, the one leading the ritual tossed it over her shoulder and rubbed her hands together. She drew her seiraa fuku skirt hem up to expose a knife strapped to her upper thigh, and Hojo fell silent, staring at her thighs. Oblivious to the almost-a-panty-shot she was giving her exorcism patient, Yuka removed the knife and handed it to Eri, the girl who knelt to Hojo’s left.

“On the count of three, remove his gag along his left cheek, using this sacred blade,” she ordered. Eri took it by the handle and did so, careful not to accidentally slice his face open.

“Eww, Hojo spittle,” Ayumi complained as she tugged the gag away from his mouth tossed it into a corner, while Eri gently set the knife upon the floor.

The male captive smacked his lips several times, accustoming himself to the lack of gag, before he turned mismatched green and brown eyes, which quickly turned blue, toward the limp Kagome. Then he voiced just how happy he was to see her.

“Oh, Kagome, how I’ve missed you,” he purred out seductively, a trill on the tail-end.

Kagome’s neck snapped forward at his word choice, particularly the far too friendly connotations hinted at. Her mouth opened and closed, fish-like, while Hojo smiled and Yuka went on chanting from memory. Hojo’s frame tensed as Yuka spoke, stiffening and contorting within his bindings, sending goggle-eyed looks everywhere.

Worry trickled down her brow, and Kagome flushed at Hojo’s antics. Maybe she had been wrong after all. Maybe he was possessed. However, she could have sworn he’d been as inattentive as that Nobunaga guy walking off cliffs, acted like won’t-take-a-hint Kouga, been as clingy as little Shippou, and yelled at others like-

Well, Kagome didn’t know anyone who yelled at people, calling them wretched human girls-

She frowned in mid-thought.

Unless… nah. She doubted that little green toad would have possibly-

“Kagome-chan,” Yuka crooned out, distracting Kagome from her trail of thoughts.

“Hmm?”

“You’re still a virgin, right?” Eri and Ayumi joined in with expectant eye blinks. Eyes wide, Kagome blushed and tried to reply, but Yuka continued before her babbling stammers were intelligible. “This thing only works if the medium is a virgin. That’s why we chose you. Demons and evil spirits like virgins, and it‘s the only way to purify them. Something’s not going right, though.” She pointed toward Hojo, who was writhing beneath his ropes. “He’s not as affected by the divining chants as he should be, and you’re starting to space out.”

“Of course she’s no virgin, you stupid twits!” called out Hojo in a highly irritated tone. Yuka turned to glare at him and snap her fingers as she called out some foreign command, the unknown words sending him into another fit of contortions and growling vocalizations. “Bitches, I was with her last night!”

“Inuyasha?” Kagome questioned, stunned. It couldn’t be. But, it was. Hojo’s eyes were both gold now.

“Who the fuck else?” he gritted out.

“Inuyasha…” Yuka pondered, “you mean the cute guy with silver hair we met a few years ago that one day?”

Hojo snorted in contempt. “I am not cute!”

Kagome didn’t really care about whether or not Inuyasha was cute, though. Face red as a lobster as she stared at the tablecloth, she was far more concerned with concocting an escape plan, no matter how fantastic and unrealistic it might be.

Eri and Ayumi did, however, confirm that Inuyasha was cute.

“Wow,” said the both of them in unison. Then Ayumi went on. “So, Inuyasha is controlling Hojo from afar? Is he using some strange magic?”

Hojo rolled his eyes. “I don’t even have full control. These six other assholes in here keep fighting-”

Kagome’s head shot up, and she stared at the golden-eyed Hojo. “What?”

“That mangy wolf had his hands on you earlier,” Hojo practically spat out with a scowl, then paused before continuing. “And that idiot scatterbrain and his stupid monkey lost control before he could say anything, and then that whiny little runt jumped in,” he grumbled, not noticing that all four schoolgirls were staring at him intently. “And then Sesshoumaru’s two-foot shadow whooped Shippou’s ass, and then your stupid friends attacked us before I could talk to you!”

Kagome was no longer red; she suddenly went paler than Inuyasha’s hair. With morbid embarrassment she swallowed and began stuttering, trying to say “How did this happen?” but managing little more than five repeats of the first two words before Hojo-Inuyasha turned up his nose snidely and muttered something she couldn’t quite discern.

“Inu… yasha?” Ayumi asked softly, batting her eyelashes at Hojo-Inuyasha from where she still knelt at his side.

He snorted and muttered, “What?”

She tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Did you and Kagome…”

“You deaf? I already said I was with her last night.” He glared at the nosy girl. “And when I woke up this morning, she was gone, and-”

“Inuyasha, osuwari!”

Nothing happened, and Kagome damned herself for forgetting that unless Inuyasha was in his own body, sitting him would do nothing. Hojo-Inuyasha just smirked at her, and her three friends all gave her funny, questioning looks.

“Oh-kay,” Eri said slowly, wide-eyed. “So, Inuyasha, I’m sorry, but we need to you to leave our friend Hojo-kun’s body. Sound good?”

“No.”

“Too bad. Yuka?” The girl in question nodded her head firmly and raised both of her hands. “Ready?”

“Wait!” Kagome yelled out. Three pairs of dark brown eyes and one pair of golden ones settled on her expectantly. “Inuyasha, I swear, I promise that if you leave his body, and make the others leave, I’ll come home as soon as possible, and, uh…” She let her gaze meander off to the side and her thoughts return to the condoms she‘d jammed down the back of her panties. “We uh, we can pick up where we left off last night?”

The meddlesome threesome instantly erupted into feminine catcalls and wolf whistles. Unfortunately, the person whose cooperation mattered the most didn’t respond as she’d hoped. “No can do, Kagome. I’m stuck in here. Akitoki Hojo’s had control of him up until this morning, and right now Jinenji’s leering at me, telling me he wants to offer you some nice herbs for your back pain.” He paused a moment. “AND, that ground we fucked on last night was pretty hard and really left you sore.”

If Kagome hadn’t been so preoccupied with the soreness that still plagued her, and if she hadn’t still been tied up, she would have leapt across the table and throttled the bastard. Maybe, just maybe if she concentrated hard enough, her mental assault rifle would turn into a real one. And maybe, she could take out all four of them. Or first the three across from her all in one cluster, then pick up Yuka on the rebound.

Damn Inuyasha indeed.

“Inuyaaaaaashaaaaaaaa,” she called out sweetly. Everyone looked at her intently, and Kagome suddenly understood why Inuyasha’s older half-brother was so stoic. The calms before storms always made those storms that much more effective.

With a frightening roar rivaling when she’d called Inuyasha stupid after his simpering comment about returning to her “wolf boy,” Kagome seethed, “Inuyasha, you are the single most idiotic moron on the planet, in any place in time, and you can’t keep your mouth shut!”

And much like before, Hojo-Inuyasha failed to be affected. He showed minor signs of being slightly shaken up by her venomous words, but for the most part, he was hunky-dory and safe from her heated prattle.

Yuka, Eri, and Ayumi, on the other hand, were nothing but speechless. A good thing, too, for Kagome was still ready to rip Hojo- er, Inuyasha a new one.

“Inuya-”

“I already said, I’m stuck in here, and what makes it worse,” Hojo-Inuyasha sniveled, “is Jinenji hasn’t bathed in three weeks, Kouga’s going all weird on me- hey! I am not gay, Dog Turd!” Kagome stared at him. “Sorry, that was the wolf boy trying to talk. He claims he still has it for you, but I swear, he keeps trying to touch my ass like Miroku does to every woman he meets. Speaking of touching asses, last night I noticed yours was especially fleshy. Has it always been like that?”

Kagome sputtered and whimpered. Maybe if she scooted back far enough, she could rock back and forth until she could stand up and run toward the doorway, chair and ropes and all.

And if Inuyasha thought he was getting any nookie after this, he was dead wrong.

Hojo-Inuyasha rambled on, the speaker primarily Inuyasha with bucketloads of complaints about his co-reincarnations, but occasionally slipping into Shippou or Jaken to whine and wail or squawk and chastise. All of them were completely oblivious to Kagome’s nefarious plotting. It was time to make her move. She held her breath.

“Kagome-chan? What are you doing?” Yuka inched closer to her captive, but she was too slow. Kagome had indeed scooted her chair back from the table and had begun to rock.

However, she leaned backward too far and fell over, slamming harshly upon the basement floor. Her earlier bruise connected with the cold concrete, and a searing pain flared up, enveloping Kagome’s entire consciousness until her senses slowly tuned out with numbness.

And when Kagome awoke still tied to a chair on the floor of Ayumi’s basement, she didn’t know who to damn first: Inuyasha for the aching soreness between her legs and on the back of her head, Inuyasha for being a terrible lay, or Inuyasha for being one of seven beings reincarnated as Hojo- and not knowing when to shut the hell up.

Hell, she’d just damn him for everything.