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Where do I start?
Am I safe to walk the streets anymore?
Can I trust myself not to make my life full of pain and misery?
That is a hard question to ask at this very moment.
I was trying not to do anything that would be hurtful or depressing…but it’s not working out.
I’m still depressed. And since last night, maybe more so.
I don’t want to be. But there is no sure-fire way to fix it.
And my depression is not that extreme, so I don’t really need help…but I want it..you can’t stop me from wanting it, right?
I want help…I want someone to talk to who wont judge me, or turn the mirror towards me and show me that I am the horrible monster I’ve always known I was.
That made no sense at all…
I’m just…back in that mode that I was years ago…that place I never wanted to return to. But here it is.
It’s hard to walk to class and not break out into tears anymore. It’s hard to sit in class, look like I’m actually caring…
Its easy to do it online…because no one sees my face, and the fact that small tears are falling down my cheeks.
I don’t want to be taking a million drugs to try and be better. I just want to be better.
But there is no magical solution for that, other then death. And there really is no reason for me to resort to that…cause my depression isn’t that bad…right?
I think…I think I’m actually going to post this…see who actually wants to read it…
I told myself to stop posting things online like this because all I was doing was upsetting Meg…but I want some kind of…promising outlook…or something.
I want to have someone that I can confide in…who won’t think I’m as stupid as I think I am…who will tell me other wise.
Meg is that…I just…it’s taking me a while to fully see it, and sooner or later, she’ll get tired of me not seeing that I am actually a good person…that I deserve happiness…She’ll leave me. And I’ll be alone again.
I’m tired of sobbing into my pillow every night…I’m tired of forcing the tears down when I’m walking to class…I’m tired of hiding it from my family and my roommate.
I’m just….tired…