In the Nude
Title: In the Nude
Pairing: MinKyu
Minor Pairings: HyukHae
Rating: PG
Genre: crack
Disclaimer: I wish
Warnings: language, mentions of sex
Summary: Sungmin has a novel idea. Kyuhyun is not amused.
A/N: For zaboomafoo76
“I think we should join a nudist colony,” Sungmin announced one day during breakfast. “Or maybe form one. We have enough people, I think.” Kyuhyun choked on his bagel.
“I think that’s a great idea, hyung,” said Donghae earnestly, peering into the toaster to see if his bread was ready.
“Sungmin,” said Yesung solemnly, laying both of his (small) hands on either of Sungmin’s shoulders. “I just want to let you know, whatever your dreams may be, I will support you 111% of the way.”
“You’re crazy,” sputtered Kyuhyun, once the offending piece of bagel had been freed from his airway. “And why 111%?”
Yesung cocked his head to the side. “Because 111 is a nice number.”
“Aw, don’t be such a killjoy, Kyu,” teased Sungmin, ruffling Kyuhyun’s hair.
“Hyung, you’re proposing that we form a nudist colony,” growled Kyuhyun, swatting Sungmin’s hand away. “As in we walk around naked. Do you want to…” He looked around the table and pointed in a random direction, finger landing on Donghae. “Do you really want to see Donghae-hyung naked?”
Eunhyuk, who had been drowsily sipping his strawberry milk next to Donghae, made an odd strangled noise and sprayed the contents of his mouth all over the table and, unfortunately, all over the toaster, which immediately combusted.
“Ryeowook,” called Yesung calmly. “Toaster plus strawberry milk equals fire.”
“Coming,” came Ryeowook’s muffled voice from the kitchen. A few seconds later, he emerged, brandishing a fire extinguisher. Aiming at the flames, he put them out with a short, practiced spray.
Donghae peeked into the charred remnants of the toaster and gingerly pulled out his toast, eyes lighting up when he saw that they were perfectly done and not burnt in the least. “Hey, maybe we should light the toaster on fire to speed up the process from now on.” He took a big bite and chewed it thoughtfully. “It does have a hint of strawberry, but it really doesn’t taste bad.”
Kyuhyun watched the entire scene unfold, his face a perfectly schooled blank expression. “You guys are freaks,” he said calmly.
Sungmin laughed. “If we’re freaks, what does that make you? And to answer your question, I wouldn’t mind seeing Donghae naked. It’s not like there’s anything I haven’t already seen. And besides, why wouldn’t you want to see Donghae naked? He has a fine ass.”
Kyuhyun rolled his eyes. “Hyung, I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t ogle at other people.”
Sungmin winked cheekily. “Who said I just ogled?”
Kyuhyun gaped at Sungmin, then at Donghae, who was stealing Eunhyuk’s milk, then back to Sungmin. “You…him….”
Sungmin shrugged. “It’s not a big deal if I join them in their bedroom activities from time to time. Besides, this was long before you and I got together officially.”
“Them?” squeaked Kyuhyun, eyes getting bigger by the second. He pointed openly at both Donghae and Eunhyuk. “Both? At the same time?”
“You know what they say, dancers make the best lay,” said Sungmin casually. “And you know, all those hip thrusts they do are definitely not just for show.” Leaning forward, Sungmin flicked Kyuhyun’s forehead, startling him. “We digress. Back to the nudist colony idea.” He turned to the rest of the members. “Let’s take a vote. All in favor?” Everyone except Kyuhyun raised their hands.
Kyuhyun expected Yesung and Donghae’s answers, but Ryeowook’s and Eunhyuk’s were definitely shocking. He stared at Ryeowook, who shrugged.
“I think it’s an interesting idea, and yay for trying new things right?” said Ryeowook sheepishly. Kyuhyun turned his stare of disbelief towards Eunhyuk.
“I want to see Donghae naked,” Eunhyuk deadpanned. Kyuhyun slapped his forehead.
“You’ve been outvoted, baby,” Sungmin told Kyuhyun chirpily. “Now let’s see what the other’s think about this.”
-
How the mighty have fallen, Kyuhyun’s inner voice moaned as he observed the other member’s reactions.
Leeteuk stroked his chin thoughtfully. “Sungmin, that really is not a bad idea,” their leader, their supposed voice of reason, said.
“I knew you had it in you,” Heechul said approvingly, smirk mirrored on Sungmin’s face.
“I’ve heard being naked can be very freeing, both physically and spiritually,” crackled Hangeng’s voice through the phone.
“There’s a lot of nudity in the military so you might as well get used to it now,” Kangin advised them via video chat.
“Sungmin, as a person, I say you’re crazy,” Shingdong started, getting Kyuhyun’s hopes up at the possibility that there was at least one sane member. “As your best friend…” Shindong grinned, dashing all of Kyuhyun’s budding hopes. “I say go for it.” Sungmin clapped Shindong on the shoulder.
“Showing skin is kind of in right now,” Zhou Mi acknowledged.
“God created Adam and Eve naked,” Siwon preached, tears gathering in his eyes. “It is only right that we too go naked. I’m so glad that you’re trying to reconnect with humankind’s root, hyung.”
Kibum laughed. Hard. Then hung up.
“Might as well. No way to save my reputation back home anyhow,” Henry shrugged. “They already think I’m gay. What’s a little nudity going to do?”
Kyuhyun calmly picked up his cellphone during that particular discussion and called a familiar number. “Jonghyun, save me. Tell me there’s an opening in SHINee. I’m interested. Very interested.”
“Oh, hold on, let me ask.” There was some static as Jonghyun covered the mouthpiece. “HEY GUYS! KYUHYUN-HYUNG WANTS TO JOIN SHINEE! WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?!” There was some more static and Jonghyun uncovered the mouthpiece. “Sorry, hyung,” said Jonghyun apologetically. “They said that your pants aren’t tight enough. But if Donghae-hyung or Zhou Mi-hyung are interested...”
“You are the worst dongsaengs ever,” growled Kyuhyun.
“Hey, just telling the truth. Why don’t you try SNSD? Make it an even-” Kyuhyun hung up.
“I have a headache in my eyes,” he declared. “And a sudden urge to blow up some Zergs.”
Sungmin draped an arm over Kyuhyun’s shoulder, smile gentle. “Are you okay? Do you need an aspirin?”
Kyuhyun glared sullenly at his lover. “No. I just need for you to stop with all this nudity business.”
Sungmin raised an eyebrow. “You want me to stop all this nudity business?”
“Yes.”
“Even the nudity in our room? When we’re alone? At night?” Sungmin licked his lips seductively, moving so he was whispering in Kyuhyun’s ear. “How about I show you the exact benefits of nudity…right…now?”
Kyuhyun frowned at Sungmin’s growing smirk, resisting the urge to stomp his foot like a child. His resolve lasted for all of three seconds. “Fine,” grumbled Kyuhyun. “But this doesn’t mean that I change my opinion about this whole nudist colony thing,” he warned.
“Of course it doesn’t,” said Sungmin soothingly as he pulled Kyuhyun towards their room. Kyuhyun immediately was distracted as Sungmin’s tongue probed his mouth, distracted enough that he didn’t notice the mischievous glint in the older’s eyes.
-
And so, with Kyuhyun outvoted 14-1, the Super Junior dorms became a place in which all was laid bare (you see, Sungmin had intended for them to be nude at all times, but there were some pesky public exposure laws in place, so they settled for just in the dorms).
For the first week, Kyuhyun had refused to participate, stubbornly keeping his clothes on and taking to wearing a blindfold lest his innocent eyes be violated. But the combination of Sungmin’s lessons on the benefits of nudity and the fact that Kyuhyun kept running into the walls eventually broke Kyuhyun down. So Kyuhyun assented to downgrade to boxers (he refused to give up his boxers) and very dark sunglasses.
Although he would never admit it, Kyuhyun supposed that he could get used to it. The lack of clothes was admittedly freeing, and they saved so much money with their lack of laundry. And even if the nudity made some people hornier (Kyuhyun couldn’t count the number of times they’d walked in on Eunhyuk and Donghae sexing it up on the couch), the benefits far outweighed the drawbacks.
“See how easy it is, Kyu?” panted Sungmin after they both caught their breath following a particularly intense horizontal dance. “We can get right to the sex without having to worry about taking our pesky clothes off!”
Kyuhyun made a dubious noise, but allowed Sungmin to pull him closer. “Fine, you win,” mumbled Kyuhyun as Sungmin planted loving kisses on top of his head. “As long as it’s just in the dorms, I suppose I’ll be okay with it.”
“That’s my boy,” cooed Sungmin, sounding kind of smug.
-
“So I’ve gathered all of you here today to announce your fifth album concept,” said Lee Soo Man solemnly, looking around at all the Super Junior members. “It is…” He dramatically swept a velvet curtain off the large presentation board behind him. “Super Junior: In the Nude!”
Kyuhyun wondered if the stress of running South Korea’s largest entertainment company had finally gotten into Lee Soo Man’s head. “Excuse me?” asked Kyuhyun, staring at the three words in bolded red.
Lee Soo Man positively beamed, the most terrifying thing Kyuhyun had ever seen in all his years of living. “In. The. Nude! Isn’t it brilliant? But I can’t take credit of course.” He turned to Sungmin enthusiastically. “Sungmin-sshi here was the one who proposed the idea.”
Sungmin grinned back. “I thought of the idea, but you made it happen.”
Lee Soo Man nodded. “There are so many benefits to this. You know how much money we’ll save if we don’t have to provide any costumes? We would actually be able to get you guys an MV set that is not a box!”
“It’s also a lot easier to dance when we’re not wearing clothes,” Shindong offered.
“The fangirls will eat this up,” crowed Heechul.
“This is what all the ELFs want,” said Donghae, brown eyes pleading. “They’ve supported our dreams through all these years; don’t you want to repay them by making some of their dreams come true?”
“Though I’m sure most of them dream of more than just nudity,”Eunhyuk added thoughtfully, eyes giving Donghae a suggestive look.
“No,” managed Kyuhyun, voice surprisingly steady. “No, I do not want to make their dreams come true at the expense of my pride.”
“Come on, Kyuhyun,” said Leeteuk in a very motherly manner. “Think about this rationally.”
“Rationally?” squeaked Kyuhyun, looking around at all the members and Lee Soo Man. “You guys are insane!” He backed up slowly. “You know what? I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to go join SNSD!” With those eloquent parting words, Kyuhyun whirled around and made a dramatic exit. Or, he would’ve if the wall wasn’t in his way. Everyone winced as Kyuhyun’s face met the wall with a loud smack.
“Will he be okay?” asked Siwon worriedly as Kyuhyun slid down the wall slowly.
“He’ll come around,” said Sungmin reassuringly, smiling affectionately as Kyuhyun collapsed in a heap onto the floor.
-
A/N: Happy birthday Andi and enjoy your last year as a minor (eg. do crazy stuff now because you won't end up in jail. Probably, don't take my word for it though :D)!
Another idea conceived in Calculus. I don't know what it was about integrals and antiderivatives that made me think 'nudist colony!', but here we are...