changes,
so ryan and I broke up yesterday and I am remotely upset. I realized a lot of things about myself that made me worry. Ryan and I werent really very happy or at least I dont think. He made me laugh but he did not make me feel good about myself. Actually I suppose he made me feel alright but did not act caring or kind. My dilemna here is that I knew this the entire time we were together and did not bother to act upon it or break up with him. Ive come to the conclusion that perhaps I hate being lonely and I do have low self esteem and thats scary and worries me. I give all of my friends the best of advice but I can never follow my own. I am a weak person with a weak heart and I hate myself for it. If I knew he didnt truely make me happy why did I settle for him and try to convince myself that he was amazing and it was me that was wrong. I know all of this and still manage to hurt. He doesnt even deserve to see me hurt. None of it makes sense to me. Perhaps Im not happy with myself and rely on other people to make me happy and when they dont, I am dissapointed in them and in myself and its not fair to them. Some changes need to be made I need to start relying on myself, trusting my instincts, not forcing my heart, and I need to learn to like being alone. I found myself comparing ryan to jeff quite often. I need to learn not to settle and I need to have confidence, this year-some changes are going to be made.