to believe
“How can one be well when one is in moral suffering? How can one help being worried in these times, if one has any feeling?” - Tolstoy
I read this in War and Peace a while ago and, along with most of the novel, it really effected me. People have asked me "Why are you ill?", and many days I couldn't answer. I always found it odd that I felt ill on days when I wasn't actually struck with a flu or anything. Well, At least I finally know now (I suppose that's consolation enough). I believe I am in moral suffering... but not so much as a result of my actions, but as a result of others'. I am beginning to believe that all in this world is vanity; that there is no truth to seek because none exists. I think all of this would be easier to cope with had I any faith. But then again, I think I am slowly beginning to "believe"... in something anyways. I can't find that internal happiness and peace I once had. I feel like everyone (mostly) is living for themselves and doesn't care whatsoever about those around them. I just don't understand this way of living. How can people go through life believing nothing matters; believing that there is no possibility that their wrong-doings will come back to haunt them; believing atheism as a fact... that we are here merely to live and to die and there is no future life? I believe in spirits very strongly. Maybe that is only because of my experiences, but either way I do believe in their existence. But beyond that, I believe that everyone is eternal. I keep turning these subjects, amongst many others, over and over in my mind. I can't even begin to express how I'm feeling at this point. Maybe tomorrow I can articulate my thoughts better. I hope so.
I read this in War and Peace a while ago and, along with most of the novel, it really effected me. People have asked me "Why are you ill?", and many days I couldn't answer. I always found it odd that I felt ill on days when I wasn't actually struck with a flu or anything. Well, At least I finally know now (I suppose that's consolation enough). I believe I am in moral suffering... but not so much as a result of my actions, but as a result of others'. I am beginning to believe that all in this world is vanity; that there is no truth to seek because none exists. I think all of this would be easier to cope with had I any faith. But then again, I think I am slowly beginning to "believe"... in something anyways. I can't find that internal happiness and peace I once had. I feel like everyone (mostly) is living for themselves and doesn't care whatsoever about those around them. I just don't understand this way of living. How can people go through life believing nothing matters; believing that there is no possibility that their wrong-doings will come back to haunt them; believing atheism as a fact... that we are here merely to live and to die and there is no future life? I believe in spirits very strongly. Maybe that is only because of my experiences, but either way I do believe in their existence. But beyond that, I believe that everyone is eternal. I keep turning these subjects, amongst many others, over and over in my mind. I can't even begin to express how I'm feeling at this point. Maybe tomorrow I can articulate my thoughts better. I hope so.