revelations
last night found me swinging with miss myriah, higher&higher into the black, poking stars into the sky with my heels. then later, sipping a lemon washed hefeweizen with rachel at daddy's. walking home with her voice to keep me company along the cracked cement, amidst the stray kittens & glass wedges.
when you are in an abusive relationship, there is no time for friends. you are too afraid to call them, too afraid to show up when you know the slightest touch could crackle your trembling coat wide open. because "love" will always want to know who you were talking to & where you were going & how many others showed up & it's just easier to pretend you are tired or sick or angry than to have to answer those harder questions after a day of being reminded that you are worth more. and even when you are there, even when you are hugging or crying or holding, you are always gone. the questions fill up in your mind like dime-store jelly beans & you wonder what flavor will be the right answer this time. you can't focus on lamp-lit skin or humble laughter.
so excuse me while i gush (if i call too often, respond too quickly, write too lengthy) because sometimes i am just held speechless by you, all of you--now that i am learning to pay attention.
when you are in an abusive relationship, there is no time for friends. you are too afraid to call them, too afraid to show up when you know the slightest touch could crackle your trembling coat wide open. because "love" will always want to know who you were talking to & where you were going & how many others showed up & it's just easier to pretend you are tired or sick or angry than to have to answer those harder questions after a day of being reminded that you are worth more. and even when you are there, even when you are hugging or crying or holding, you are always gone. the questions fill up in your mind like dime-store jelly beans & you wonder what flavor will be the right answer this time. you can't focus on lamp-lit skin or humble laughter.
so excuse me while i gush (if i call too often, respond too quickly, write too lengthy) because sometimes i am just held speechless by you, all of you--now that i am learning to pay attention.