You know...
I've always believed that she'd never lie to me. She'd not tell me things, but she'd never lie to me. It's like this holy creed in her that she'll never lie because it's cooler to tell the truth.
on november...13? 14th? she said, she'd never break up with me just because I'm obsessed with her.
she's been giving me silence because of her workload and stuff and because I was supposed to study.
but...
a few days ago, she said the november and december silence... is where she got over me.
I know.. I was a little shitty then. I missed her so much. I just wanted a few moments from her, because I've been without her and she's been silencing me because I'm supposed to be studying...
She said she had a lot of school work... and I was a cage to her, and that org infinity was her freedom from me and school.
I couldn't stand that she'd rather give any of the spare time she had to them, when i had been deprived of her affection for so long.
I get batshit when I'm jealous...
I'm stupid like that. I don't know when and how to shut up. I don't know how to get what I really want. Or how to keep them. I just know how to get upset...
When I'm jealous, when I'm scared, I get upset. And when I'm upset, I lash at people. And after that I regret it. Even if what I say is true, I regret it, because in the end it wasn't worth the anger...
She's upset that I keep bashing her fandom. Which I did because I was upset at the way things were, and I didn't like how it was all happening...
All I wanted was for her to spend some time with me again...
I'm not fun... I don't know how to have fun. And I'm starting to understand the meaning of having fun less and less. To me, just having her talking to me was enough to make me happy. But is it "fun"?
No. it's not "fun". There's nothing fun I can give her. I can't draw anymore. I can't write anymore. I boss and I hog her. I just wanted her there with me.
And I had to bash her fandom.
I said their fangirling KH heartless makes 'heartless' about as heartless as a den of mating cats. I called her new friends her whoreshippers and her whoring legion of fans.
She cares deeply about people who makes her happy. Her fun friends. So it pisses her off.
I made things worse. I made things "over". But...
Maybe I am trying to chase her off deep inside. So that we'll never be back together again. So there'd be no chance of us getting together again even if I wanted to (and I want to. i'm so stupid...) since we're both girls... and we're ten thousand miles apart...
i was thinking earlier... maybe the signs of wear were there earlier still... when she first made that stupid new da account of hers...
when she doesn't even comment on the drawings i made of us...
she only faved what i did of our two characters. She never even commented on the one of me and hers... but now she faves every shit that has xanti in it, even if it looked like a herpes ridden three year old drew it.
as long as it's xanti, she'll love you and fave you and you'll have her raep.
do you think i still want to be friends like that?
If I accepted being friends with you, taryn, do you think i'll get your attention even? No. I'll just be "there" as your friend. And you have no obligation to give me your attention or what shit. What difference will it make? Would you have rp-ed with me again? three posts a week maybe.
What would have been there if i said "yes, we can be friends"?
There'll just be me, waiting... thinking "please... lets be together again..." and watching you whoring with them... in pain and denial.
and silence from you until you have a reason to say something. But you never do. you never have anything to say unless i say it first. And i'm always talking too much to even let you start anything because i dont want to have that silence.
look at all this.
I don't know how imanaged to love you at all. I don't know what shit is with me.
And after realising what would have happeend, I still want you?
what batshit i live in.
I'm just an idiot in the end.
...
It hurt me so bad when you said "I told you. It's over."
Why is it that I'm such a fool?