a prophetic epiphany
so i was sitting at work yesterday, having had one, count them, one, table in near two hours. and my thoughts started to wander, they way they used to when i let them have free reign over my life. but this time, my thoughts came upon a concept to which i hadn't until that point given much thought. i say that i don't understand how people can be still, be stagnant. but i have been working at the same job, hanging out with the same people night in and night out, making the same stupid mistakes for over a year and a half now. i am nineteen years old and have done nothing substantial with my life. i mean, i graduated from high school and got my IB diploma and i have a more than impressve film collection (mere volume alone is impressive, really.) but now what? i feel like every day needs to be more productive. every day i need to be reaching for some higher goal. one that makes me happy. i mentioned this to amanda and she looked and me and smiply said, as though it was an obvious solution: "make a movie." good one. i need to have the discipline to sit down and make something concrete and stop being so scared that i'll fail. because it only takes one success to make all those failures seem obsolete and not so painful.
i also realized, finally, that was everyone has told me is right. i am, in fact, lucky that i haven't had to deal with all those meaningless relationships with heartbreak and an ultimately painful ending. and i'm at a point in my life now where i just want to have a real relationship with a great guy who will be amazingly wonderful to me. i just haven't found him yet. so, perhaps, i will just focus more on writing than on searching for a relationship and that guy will find me. i'm not saying, btw, that i want to settle down and get married any time in the near future. i just want something stable. without pettiness and immaturity. just contentedness that is constant. but i think the idea is to find my joy in something else instead of watiting around for a guy to fill that void.
i also realized, finally, that was everyone has told me is right. i am, in fact, lucky that i haven't had to deal with all those meaningless relationships with heartbreak and an ultimately painful ending. and i'm at a point in my life now where i just want to have a real relationship with a great guy who will be amazingly wonderful to me. i just haven't found him yet. so, perhaps, i will just focus more on writing than on searching for a relationship and that guy will find me. i'm not saying, btw, that i want to settle down and get married any time in the near future. i just want something stable. without pettiness and immaturity. just contentedness that is constant. but i think the idea is to find my joy in something else instead of watiting around for a guy to fill that void.