(no subject)
When everyone tells you that something is wrong, and even you yourself know that is indeed not a good idea, what kind of mental dysfunction is necessary to allow you to keep harboring hope that maybe it's not bad? a very loaded question, i know. but the answer to it has dire consequences. at least i think is does. i'm not really sure because i'm not altogether sure of the answer. it's like i'm afraid to be alone. like i'm afraid i'll get stuck like that. that if i let myself lose human contact for too long, it'll be forever lost. i just wanted to sit there in my car tonight, in the semi-darkness of the empty, crowded parking lot, forever. allowing soothingly beautiful music to infiltrate my brain and pray desperately that my phone will ring. i wonder to myself whether or not anyone really understands the trauma that i experience daily as a result of my lack of... i don't really know how to word it actually. recent events are just an example if the mere surface of my desire for a little reciprocal love. i don't appreciate it when people laugh just because they don't understand. but maybe i'm not crazy. maybe i am just naive and unwilling to see the dark side of things. but i do see it. i'm not that naive. i'm fully aware that nothing will ever work out and that people will continue to disappoint me as long as i live. i cannot will myself to move from my present location. because then i will have to face the sickening realization that i do not, in fact, have anywhere to go. "strange the things you notice when the walls are closing in and the walls are closing in on my today" (caedmon's call). i will not allow myself to repeatedly call the same people. i will not be the desperate girl who begs, not just with her eyes but with her entire being, to be loved. because if they want to be around me, they will call me back, as promised. and if not, well i guess it's just me tonight.