How Not To Be Dead
Lesson One
It is a little understood fact that big cats, and by that I mean lions and the like rather than the heftier examples of housecat you see lounging around the suburbs, are fascinated by bicycles. I have seen fully grown cheetahs, who are generally very sensible animals, go all round eyed and tail a quiver at the sight of a moving bicycle. It's the glittering of the spokes; the way the sun catches those polished metal bars as they revolve which mesmerises the feline mind. In the case of the cheetahs to the point where they can barely murmur the cat equivalent of ooh shiny as they stalk the object of their fascination.
I suspect this fascination is unlikely to be confined to cheetahs because I've heard it claimed that some game reserves in Africa have banned bicycles because the resident lions are simply not able to resist chasing and tackling them. And while a quick search of the Internet has failed to turn up anything to support the African lion story I did see many reports of mountain lions in California attacking people with bicycles. Is this a coincidence? I think not.
So clearly, if you don't want to be dead the following rules are worth observing:
1. Do not break into any safari parks or big cat enclosures at the zoo in order to ride your bicycle. This will only end in tears.
2. There is no reason why you shouldn't live in California or own a bicycle. It is however inadvisable to combine both activities.
3. If pursued by any member of the big cat family try to head for the nearest velodrome. Hopefully once reach there they will be too distracted to kill you.
4. Popping a unicycle into your carry-on luggage before leaving for Africa might sound like a fun idea. It is not.
5. Attaching one of those fake lion or tiger tails sold by costume shops to the back of your bicycle won't fool anybody. No self-respecting carnivore is that stupid.
If you always remember these rules I guarantee that you are highly unlikely to ever die beneath the teeth and claws of a big cat.
It is a little understood fact that big cats, and by that I mean lions and the like rather than the heftier examples of housecat you see lounging around the suburbs, are fascinated by bicycles. I have seen fully grown cheetahs, who are generally very sensible animals, go all round eyed and tail a quiver at the sight of a moving bicycle. It's the glittering of the spokes; the way the sun catches those polished metal bars as they revolve which mesmerises the feline mind. In the case of the cheetahs to the point where they can barely murmur the cat equivalent of ooh shiny as they stalk the object of their fascination.
I suspect this fascination is unlikely to be confined to cheetahs because I've heard it claimed that some game reserves in Africa have banned bicycles because the resident lions are simply not able to resist chasing and tackling them. And while a quick search of the Internet has failed to turn up anything to support the African lion story I did see many reports of mountain lions in California attacking people with bicycles. Is this a coincidence? I think not.
So clearly, if you don't want to be dead the following rules are worth observing:
1. Do not break into any safari parks or big cat enclosures at the zoo in order to ride your bicycle. This will only end in tears.
2. There is no reason why you shouldn't live in California or own a bicycle. It is however inadvisable to combine both activities.
3. If pursued by any member of the big cat family try to head for the nearest velodrome. Hopefully once reach there they will be too distracted to kill you.
4. Popping a unicycle into your carry-on luggage before leaving for Africa might sound like a fun idea. It is not.
5. Attaching one of those fake lion or tiger tails sold by costume shops to the back of your bicycle won't fool anybody. No self-respecting carnivore is that stupid.
If you always remember these rules I guarantee that you are highly unlikely to ever die beneath the teeth and claws of a big cat.