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this is my coinscience effort to try to make my life into something i am proud of. i used to think that i had to stand out and be something other people can recognize as being special and ill admit sometimes i do go back to that train of thought, but as of this very moment my train is on the thought track of i just want to be something i myself think is special, that i can look at myself and not be ashamed, that i can put every little bit of me out there for public mockery and still be okay with who i am. i guess its hard to be ashamed of who you are cause in the end thats all you really have, yourself.
if you asked me even a week ago what i wanted, i would have told you that i just want to escape myself. but now i just want to be comfortable with myself. its rediculious to cry into your pillow at night and plead to something you dont nesicerilly believe in and go to physical messures of trying to just get out of yourself. even writting this right now makes me think about it and makes me want to go back to that place and it feels like i am betraying who i really am to try and change myself, i just hope who i was a couple days ago isnt who im supposed to be.
time will tell i guess. we'll see how long this high will last.
if you asked me even a week ago what i wanted, i would have told you that i just want to escape myself. but now i just want to be comfortable with myself. its rediculious to cry into your pillow at night and plead to something you dont nesicerilly believe in and go to physical messures of trying to just get out of yourself. even writting this right now makes me think about it and makes me want to go back to that place and it feels like i am betraying who i really am to try and change myself, i just hope who i was a couple days ago isnt who im supposed to be.
time will tell i guess. we'll see how long this high will last.