Fic for cat_13145
Recipient: cat_13145
Author: TBA
Disclaimer: Author doesn't own the show or the characters and isn't making any profit.
Title: Matchmaking for Dummies (Or the reasons why you should never bet on your boss’s love life)
Pairing: Don/Ian
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Spoilers up to 4.09 Graphic
Summary: Everyone knows they're a couple, right? So why are they the last to know?
It was sweltering. Colby wasn’t sure whose idea it was to schedule the FBI Family Picnic Day on the hottest day of the year, but he was torn between cursing and praising them. Cursing, because he was almost drenched in his own sweat and praising, because there were several attractive women stripped down to the bare essentials and Colby was quite enjoying the view.
He wanted to do more than enjoy the view however, and it seemed as though a large concentration of the single women had gathered around the pool. He stripped off his shirt and made his way over. He figured he might swim a few laps before joining them. He wasn’t above showing off his own body for a little attention. However, as he made his way past them, he heard a comment that made him pause.
“You know… I never quite understood the appeal of Jell-O wrestling, until this very moment.”
“Mmhmm.”
“If that’s what Violent Crimes is like, then you can sign me up.”
Colby stopped short and followed their line of sight, groaning when he saw what had apparently captured the imaginations of all the single women present.
“Oh. Oh, now this is getting ridiculous,” he mumbled to himself.
Apparently, Colby wasn’t the only one who thought the pool looked like the best alternative for the afternoon. Don and Ian had beaten him to the proverbial punch. Unlike him though, he was fairly certain they had no romantic designs on the women staring at them.
No, they seemed rather focused on each other.
Ian had an arm slung around Don’s neck and his fingers were threaded through Don’s hair. Don was jerking against him, hands scrambling across Ian’s chest and back, trying to find a place to grip. Their movements were making waves spread across the entire pool, distorting the lower halves of their bodies. Colby couldn’t quite tell what was going on beneath the surface of the water.
Not that he really wanted to know.
Suddenly, Don ducked down and Colby watched as he managed to twist out of Ian’s hold and shove the other man’s head underwater, crowing in victory.
A dunk contest, Colby belatedly realized. At least, that’s what it would have been if Don and Ian were ten-year-old boys. Since they were not, it had a decidedly different - read erotic - connotation. Colby just wished he could somehow convince his oblivious boss of that fact.
“Megan!” Colby heard a voice from the crowd of women shout. He scanned the crowd and spotted his bewildered coworker, who was currently being pounced on by several of the spectators.
“Reeves, isn’t that your partner?” a blonde agent questioned.
A woman Colby recognized from the computer crimes division piped up next. “Any openings on your team?”
“How’d you luck out?” This from a leggy redhead Colby’d been eying.
“Ever see the two of them in action?”
The last comment was from an unfamiliar brunette and said in a lascivious, objectifying tone that had Megan rolling her eyes and looking more than a little put out. Colby rolled his own eyes and pushed past a few of the women to make his way to her. He knew Megan had little patience for these kinds of harpies.
Her eyes shone with relief upon spotting him. “Colby. Thank goodness.”
Colby grinned and reached for her arm, pulling her away from the crowd. He knew full well that if he left Megan alone with these women long enough, the only thing they’d get out of her was a practical demonstration of her Krav Maga skills. “C’mon. I challenge you to a burger eating contest.”
“You’re on,” Megan replied with a smirk, shrugging off the inquisitive women.
They headed over to the grill and found David flipping burgers.
“Hey, I thought you were scoping out the prospects poolside.” David commented, nodding at Colby’s approach.
Megan snorted. “Granger would need a miracle to get noticed by that crowd.”
“Ouch. That’s harsh.” David said while sliding burgers onto plates for them.
“Nah. She’s just being honest.” Colby replied. He elaborated at David’s look. “Don and Ian are making a spectacle of themselves.”
David raised a brow and reached for his beer. “Oh?”
“They’re half naked, wet, and touching each other.” Megan said flatly, causing David to aspirate the swig of beer he took.
“Don’t say things like that!” he admonished, as soon as he was able to breathe again.
Megan flashed an innocent look. “What? It’s true.”
David grimaced. “Still. Don’t say things like that. It’s hard enough taking Don seriously on the days he wears jeans in the office, without having comments like that floating around in my head.”
“Yeah… You know, we’ve really got to do something about the two of them.” Colby said, through a big bite of his burger. “This is getting embarrassing.”
“Care to make it interesting?” David asked with a mischievous grin.
Colby grinned back. “What do you have in mind?”
“A bet.” David said. “Whoever gets them to admit they want to jump each other wins.”
Megan smirked. “Oh, I’ll take that bet.”
Colby hesitated for a split second. “What are the terms? Or are we just going for bragging rights?”
“How about a pool? Twenty-dollar buy in, winner takes all.” Megan said.
David’s eyebrows rose. “Clearly you’ve put some thought into this.”
“What can I say? Those two closet cases are like a profiler’s wet dream.” Megan said.
Colby cringed and stuttered. “Okay, if David can’t hear about Don half naked and wet, then I definitely can’t hear about you and wet dreams.”
Megan laughed. “Fair enough. So, are you in?”
Colby glanced over at David, who was already digging through his wallet and pulling out a crisp twenty. Colby sighed and reached for his own, wondering to himself what the hell he was getting into.
***
The terms they agreed on were simple. Each person got a week to pull off getting Don and Ian together. Fortunately, Ian was currently working out of the LA office, co-leading an interdepartmental rifle certification course with the head of LAPD SWAT, so he’d be in town for the full month. They drew straws to determine order. Colby went first, then David, and then Megan went last. And three weeks later, they were no closer to their goal than they were to begin with.
They’d had a couple of close calls at least. Or so they thought. However, far more often, their attempts were complete misfires.
Like the time Colby made a couple of ‘subtle’ suggestive remarks to Ian, only to have the other man sit him down for a serious… and seriously awkward… talk about the sexual harassment policy of the FBI and the ramifications of making such comments to a coworker. The talk ended with Ian telling Colby that he was flattered, but not interested. It was the only time Ian had really taken the whole “senior agent” thing seriously and Colby hadn’t stopped blushing for two days. David didn’t stop laughing for four.
In revenge, Colby neglected to mention why David’s idea to take Don and Ian out for drinks after a successful bust and just get them trashed enough to admit to wanting each other was completely and totally idiotic. David hadn’t quite counted on the simple fact that in order to get the pair that drunk without raising suspicion he’d have to drink along with them. Colby knew from years of experience that it was nearly impossible to out drink a Marine. Ian clearly hadn’t lost the talent. And Don was Don. So by the next morning all David had accomplished was racking up a nearly $200 bar tab, and was suffering from the worst hangover of his entire life. Colby couldn’t quite keep the smug look off his face.
Megan’s attempt was by far the most and least successful. The most successful, in the fact that no one ended up ill, embarrassed, or otherwise injured. She even managed to get Ian and Don to go on a date. Well. Sort of.
Don gave her a golden opportunity. They’d been in the office break room, discussing Colby’s blind date with the woman from Megan’s Krav Maga class.
“It was good.” Colby admitted with a shy smile, taking a sip of his coffee.
Megan leaned back in her chair, a pleased grin crossing her face. “You going to see her again?”
“I think so.” Colby said.
David pushed his shoulder. “You kinda like this acrobat don’t you?” he teased.
Colby just shrugged, still smiling.
“Say Megan, why aren’t you finding dates for the rest of us?” Don questioned jokingly, from his perch against the counter.
Colby snorted and ducked his head. Megan and David exchanged a knowing look.
“Yeah Megan,” David chimed in, eyes full of mischief. “Why not me or Don?”
“You, my friend, are way too particular. Besides, for you a blind date would take away half the fun.” Megan returned.
David grinned and nodded in Don’s direction. “How about Don then?”
Megan’s eyes lingered on David’s for a long moment, reading the challenge in his eyes. She smirked and turned to Don.
“Oh. I could find Don someone.” Megan said confidently.
“Yeah? Gonna bet me twenty bucks too?” Don questioned, voice still teasing.
“Nah. No bet. I can find someone for you and I guarantee, it will be the best date you’ve been on in months.” Megan replied confidently.
The teasing look dropped a little from Don’s face. He almost looked worried. “Given this some thought, have you?”
“A bit,” Megan replied, giving away nothing.
Don’s eyes darted towards his watch. “So you already have somebody in mind?”
“Yeah. You want this weekend? I’ll make a call.”
Before Don had time to reply, Megan was already out the door, leaving a bewildered Don behind.
“I wonder what I’m getting myself into…” Don mused aloud.
David hid a grin behind a napkin and Colby just shook his head and looked down as he made his way out of the room past Don, knowing his amusement was written plainly across his face.
After making his escape, Colby quickly tracked down Megan at her desk, already busy on the phone. She held up a finger to her lips for silence as soon as she caught his eye. “Yes… Two tickets? That’s great…. Behind third base. This Saturday. Thank you.” She hung up the phone and focused on Colby.
“The Dodgers game?” he asked. At Megan’s nod, he deflated a bit. “That’s your big idea? That’s so…” he trailed.
“So Don?” Megan offered up. “He likes baseball. He likes Ian. I’ll put the two together and he’s bound to have a good time.”
Colby couldn’t fault the logic. “How are you going to get Ian to be his date though? We agreed that no one was allowed to tell them directly that we were setting them up. You break the rules and David and I aren’t paying up.”
“Who says I’m going to have to tell him anything?” Megan questioned. She picked the phone up again. “Hey Ian, I was wondering if you had plans on Saturday…”
***
The following Monday, Colby and David were hanging around Megan’s desk, waiting with her for Don to arrive. David was certain that her blind date would have Don up in arms at her audacity. At least his and Colby’s attempts to get Don fixed up with Edgerton had been subtle. Megan blatantly pushing the two out on a date together was certainly anything but. He couldn’t quite wait to see Don’s reaction.
Colby was certain the man would be pissed. David was more banking on embarrassed. And Megan wouldn’t say what she thought his reaction would be, but the cat-who-got-the-canary smile she wore was very telling. Of course, all three ended up surprised when Don walked in acting like nothing out of the ordinary had happened at all.
“Hey, what are you all doing? I thought that you and Colby would be out already. Didn’t we finally get an address for our suspect’s girlfriend?” Don questioned as soon as he spotted the three of them lingering around the desks.
“Err. Yeah. We were just waiting for you to get here.” David said, recovering quickly and mentally running through the facts on their latest case - a successful bank robbery, which had left three people dead at the scene.
Don arched a brow. “Why?”
“Uh…” David faltered.
“We wanted to see if you wanted us to head back to the crime scene first. We got word from the techs that they found something at the bank.” Colby cut in smoothly.
“Yeah, sure. Sounds good,” Don replied. “I’m going to track down his old cellmate. Megan? You think you can run these files over to Charlie? See if he can find any kind of pattern.”
“Sure,” Megan replied, looking a little baffled. She, Colby, and David continued to stare at Don, making no move to continue on to their assigned tasks.
Don stared back at each of them in turn. “Okay… What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” “Not a thing.” Colby and Megan replied, almost in unison.
Don eyed them suspiciously, before turning to David.
David shrugged and smiled after a moment. “Say Don? How was the game this weekend?”
Don’s eyes immediately lit up. “It was great! Dodgers killed ‘em. I haven’t had that much fun in ages.”
“I’m glad you had a good time, Don,” Megan said, a smug note creeping into her voice.
“Yeah. Thanks again for the ticket.” Don said, turning towards her. “It’s just too bad that the date part of it didn’t work out. What, did she back out last minute? Guess you’ll have to try again some other time.”
Megan’s face fell at that. ‘What, I-”
“It was really good of you to give the extra ticket to Ian, though. I think he needed the break. How did you even know he likes baseball?” Don continued.
“Oh, I had a hunch,” she mumbled, exasperatedly. David only barely resisted sniggering.
“Well, he sends his ‘thanks’ as well. It was a great game,” Don replied, patting her on the shoulder as he headed for the elevator.
Megan turned disbelieving eyes onto her coworkers. Colby was grinning ear to ear. David was brushing tears off his face from his restrained laughter.
“I set the man up on a date. He goes on the date. And he still doesn’t get it,” she exclaimed. “Just how dense is he?”
David thought for a moment. “Pretty damn dense.”
“Guess we aren’t going to have to pay up after all.” Colby exclaimed gleefully. He rose from his seat. “Come on David, let’s get back to it.”
David spared Megan one last amused glance before following his partner out. He couldn’t help the chuckle as Megan groaned into her hands in frustration.
***
Megan was still frustrated by the conversation she’d had with Don by the time she made it to CalSci. Upon entering Charlie’s office and spotting him at the chalkboard, she couldn’t help the words that spilled out of her mouth. “Your brother is an idiot.”
“Well. I know for a fact that he had to retake calculus in college,” Charlie replied with a grin, turning from the board and grabbing the files she’d brought over. He thumbed through them for a moment in interest before looking up at Megan. Taking in her expression, he dropped the files on his desk and gave her his full attention. “But I have a feeling that you’re talking about more than his failure to grasp the fundamentals of derivative equations.”
“More like his basic math skills. For a trained investigator, he really doesn’t know how to put two and two together when it comes to himself,” Megan complained.
“You’re talking about his thing for Ian aren’t you?” Charlie asked astutely, dropping into his desk chair.
Megan’s head shot up. “You know about that?”
Charlie arched an eyebrow. “Don might be an idiot, but I’m not.” He then rooted around his desk for a moment before pulling a battered looking blue notebook out of a stack. He flipped towards the back and gestured to an equation. “Plus, I did the math.”
“Math?”
“Yeah. Like how, for instance, your team is statistically thirteen times more likely to have a case requiring the assistance of a certain sniper/tracker?” Charlie offered.
Megan squinted at the notebook. “Is that so?”
“It’s the only way to really justify why Don brings Ian in on cases as often as he does,” Charlie grinned. “Either that, or Don just likes having Ian around.”
“Somehow, I think it’s that second thing,” Megan replied. “So what led you to run the numbers on that?”
Charlie blushed slightly, shutting the blue notebook. “I… uh. Well. Don’s Don, you know?”
Megan smiled, reaching for the notebook. She thumbed through the pages, not recognizing much more than the few written notes and the dates on the pages. Charlie had been using the notebook for years. She handed it back. “Is that what this notebook is? Don math?”
“Yeah. Sometimes it’s easier to try to figure Don out this way, you know?” Charlie replied; taking the notebook and tossing it back on his desk. “I started this notebook right after he came back to L.A. He was like a stranger then.”
“So what has the math shown, other than his thing for Edgerton?” Megan asked, genuinely curious.
Charlie shook his head. “Nothing quite as interesting. Though, I still can’t quite figure out how he always seems to know when Dad’s making rib eye. It really can’t just be luck.”
Megan laughed.
A knock on the door drew both their attentions. Amita was standing in the doorway. “Hey Charlie. Megan. Did you get the files for the robbery case?”
“Uh yeah.” Charlie replied, shifting papers around on his desk again to unearth the files Megan brought. “Sorry. We got a little distracted.”
“Oh?”
“Charlie was showing me his Don math.” Megan explained.
Amita glanced towards Charlie’s desk, spotting the blue notebook. “Ah. Is this about his crush on Agent Edgerton?”
“You know about that too?” Charlie asked his girlfriend.
Amita walked into the room and perched on the edge of Charlie’s desk. “Everyone knows about that.”
Megan nodded in agreement. “It’s just too bad Don doesn’t see it. Colby, David, and I are about ready to give up on getting it through his head.”
“David and Colby know?” Charlie questioned
“Charlie. Everyone knows.” Megan repeated Amita’s earlier words.
Charlie frowned, looking worried. He made to stand. “Even Ian? Oh. This is bad. I’ve got to tell Don. I-”
“Whoa. Easy Charlie. Ian doesn’t know.” Megan said, blocking Charlie’s exit from the room. “That’s what’s making this so painful. If the two of them would just stop pretending they weren’t head over heels for each other, they’d probably notice that they weren’t exactly alone in the way they feel.”
“Wait… Ian is interested in Don?!” Charlie exclaimed, falling back into his chair.
Megan smiled at Charlie’s stunned expression. “Why are you so surprised? I thought you knew…”
“I knew that Don had a thing for Ian, but I guess I never really considered that Ian felt the same. I mean, Ian’s…” Charlie trailed, with a wave of his hand. “He’s so--”
“Lusting over your brother?” Amita offered.
Charlie eyed her like she was crazy. “What? I was going to say ‘straight’.”
“Charlie, I thought when you were doing the math on Don that you’d do it on Ian too.” Amita said. “He’s even more obvious about it than Don is.”
“What do you mean?” Charlie asked, still sounding bewildered.
Megan and Amita exchanged glances, neither woman was quite sure how to tell Charlie that Ian spent the bulk of his time around Don eyeing the man like he was an oasis in the middle of the desert. It wasn’t exactly the kind of thing you’d want to hear about your own brother. Finally, Amita turned towards Charlie. “Why don’t you make your own observations next time you are at the office? Maybe once we have some results from these,” she suggested, reaching for the files Megan had dropped off.
Charlie still looked skeptical, but obligingly turned his attention to the case files anyway. “Okay.”
***
Four days later Charlie burst into the conference room like a man possessed. Colby and Megan looked up in surprise.
“Hey Charlie, what’s your hurry?” Megan asked.
Charlie inhaled deeply, catching his breath. “You. You were right.”
Colby cocked his head in question.
“About Ian.” Charlie explained. “I’ve been watching.”
Megan smirked. “Told you. So what have you concluded, Dr. Eppes?”
“I want in on your bet.” Charlie said, flashing a twenty. “I had an idea last night when Don came over with some laundry.”
“Laundry?” Colby questioned skeptically.
Charlie nodded. “Megan and Amita gave me the idea. They told me to watch Ian around my brother. And well… I noticed two things. When Don talks, Ian isn’t making eye contact; he’s focused on Don’s mouth. And… He tends to spend an inordinate amount of time staring at…” Charlie blushed, eyes darting towards Megan.
Megan bit her lip, knowing where this was headed.
“Well?” Colby questioned.
Charlie remained silent.
“You shrunk all of his jeans, didn’t you?” Megan finally asked.
“It took some trial and error, but I found that if you increase the water temperature 15 degrees Fahrenheit and add an extra eight minutes to the dryer time, you can shrink a pair of jeans to be exactly one half size smaller. Any more than that and I think Don would have noticed.” Charlie explained in a rush.
“What do Don’s jeans have to do with…” Colby began. “Oh! Ah, jeez! That is not something I needed to know.”
Charlie made a face. “Trust me, I understand how you feel. The last thing I needed to know was that the list of people who think my brother has a great ass includes, not only my girlfriend, but also one of the scariest federal agents I’ve ever met.”
Megan couldn’t help the giggle she let loose at that. “Is he wearing them today?”
Charlie rounded on Megan, a betrayed look on his face. “Not you too!”
Megan shrugged playfully, refusing to comment further on the subject. “Well is he?”
“See for yourself,” Charlie said, nodding towards Don’s desk.
Megan craned her head to catch a glimpse of her boss and immediately made a mental note to tell Don he needed to go shopping as soon as this was all over. Don normally worn his jeans tight, but what he had on now was bordering on obscene. He was leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination. Still, the man certainly knew how to fill a pair of jeans…
“Megan! Earth to Megan!” Colby shouted.
Megan tore her eyes away, blushing as she caught sight of Colby. “What?” she asked defensively.
Colby rolled his eyes. “Okay Charlie. So you’ve turned our boss into Captain Tightpants. What now? Is Edgerton even around?”
“Oh, I took care of that,” Charlie replied confidently.
As if on cue, the elevator doors opened, and Ian strode into the office. Charlie waved him over before he could catch sight of Don.
“Hey Professor. You said you wanted my opinion on this bank case?” Ian questioned.
“Yeah. I noticed that the robbers were using a particular gun during the robberies. I figure you are the closest person on hand to a weapons expert, so I thought maybe you could offer some insight as to the proficiency of the criminals responsible.” Charlie lied fluidly.
If Ian thought it sounded suspicious, he didn’t let on. “Okay.”
“I left my notes with Don. I don’t think he’s busy right now. You could have him bring you up to speed.” Charlie told him, pointing towards Don.
Ian nodded and headed over in that direction.
As soon as he was out of earshot, Colby commented, “You realize the guns used in these heists are your bargain basic Bryco semi-automatics, right?”
Charlie snorted, watching Ian make his way over to Don. “Like either of them will notice.”
It seemed he was right. The three watched from the break room as Ian first caught sight of Don at his desk. He was standing, bending slightly over the partition separating his and David’s desks, chatting away. They watched as Ian paused and swallowed reflexively, eyes trailing up and down Don’s body, completely oblivious to anything and anyone else.
“This has to be it.” Charlie muttered. “He’s got to make a move.”
“I think you’re right. He looks like he’s just going to jump him.” Colby replied disbelief coloring his words, watching as Ian took his first steps forward.
Megan was almost about to verbalize her agreement when she caught sight of a blonde haired attorney making a beeline for Don, eyes just as hungry as Edgerton’s. “Uh oh.”
They watched as Nadine Hodges determinedly approached Don, pulling out all the stops. She had her hand on his chest, was flipping her hair, and smiling at him as though she might break if she stopped. Ian stopped short at the sight of her, before Don even noticed his presence. Within minutes, Don was smiling back at Nadine and following the pretty attorney back towards the elevator.
The pained look on Ian’s face wasn’t one any of his unnoticed observers had ever seen before.
With one word, Megan summed up all their thoughts. “Damn.”
“Don really is an idiot.” Charlie added for good measure.
***
“Edgerton is officially moping.” David announced, walking into Charlie’s garage and snagging a seat on the couch next to Megan. They were meeting in secret, trying to come up with one last plan to hook up Don and Ian. It wasn’t even about the bet anymore. Besides, they were all individually out of ideas and figured that working together might be the only way to actually succeed in getting the pair together.
“Yeah. It’s pretty weird.” Colby added. “I mean, he’s lost that whole sniper-Zen I-can-kill-you-with-my-little-finger thing. Now he’s just grouchy.”
Both agents leveled mock-accusing glares at Charlie.
“I know, I know. My idea backfired spectacularly. I thought for sure Ian would make a move. I didn’t think I had to worry about somebody else making one first.” Charlie replied. “At least he only went out with Nadine the once.”
“Anyone else have any other ideas?” Megan asked.
“Handcuffing them together and leaving them in the locker room for the weekend?” Colby offered.
“Hmm. Tempting.” David replied. “Yeah… Right up until Monday when we let them go and Edgerton shoots us and Don fires us.”
“Touché.”
“Well, I think we’ve all but eliminated the chance of Ian making the first move.” David opined.
Colby nodded his agreement. “Yeah, just watching him at the office when Don walked out with Nadine was brutal. I can’t even imagine what that felt like for him.”
“Okay, so then we know we need to find a way to make Don react.” Megan stated. “What do we know are Don’s hot buttons?”
“He’s competitive.” Colby said. “If we got someone interested in Edgerton, maybe he’d make a move.”
David shook his head. “I kind of tried that when I took them to the bar. Got it into this bartender’s head to chat up Ian when he put in drink orders. Don got pretty jealous, but he basically just stole her attention and flirted with her right in front of Ian. Don’s a major cockblock.”
Megan frowned. “I don’t really like the idea of manipulating somebody else’s feelings to make this work.”
“Okay, so let’s get this in order.” Charlie picked up a piece of chalk and started writing on the board, narrating as he wrote. “Ideas that have been tried: 1) Suggestive Remarks. 2) Alcohol. 3) Blind Date. 4) Suggestive Clothing. 5) Jealousy.”
“All of which seem to have flopped.” Megan said, eyes roving the list.
David stared at the list as well. “I’m out of ideas.”
“Me too.” Colby said.
“You know,” Megan began, tapping her chin. “I really think that the jealousy angle might be the way to go. Don always gets the most determined when he feels threatened.”
“But you just said-” Charlie began.
“I know. What we need is someone who already knows what’s going on.” Megan said.
“We could just tell whomever we get to flirt with Ian the whole story.” Colby offered.
“Yeah, but how’s that going to stop Don from just pulling the cockblock routine?” David questioned.
“What we need is someone to flirt with Edgerton that would be totally off limits to Don,” Megan said, eyes gleaming mischievously. “Like maybe someone already engaged in rivalry with Don. Someone who already pushes all of Don’s buttons,” she finished, her eyes settling on Charlie.
“What?!” Charlie squawked. “No way!” He looked towards David and Colby, eyes pleading for support. “He’d never believe it anyway. I’m with Amita.”
David and Colby both gazed speculatively at Charlie, before glancing at each other.
“That…” David began. “That actually might work.”
“Don’s head might also explode.” Colby added.
“Guys, come on! You can’t be serious.” Charlie protested. “There is no way I’m flirting with Ian Edgerton in order to make my brother jealous enough to ask him out. It’s ridiculous!”
Before Megan, David, or Colby could attempt to convince Charlie otherwise, movement in the doorway caught their attention.
“Well. It certainly sounds ridiculous.”
Charlie whirled around from the chalkboard and was very surprised to see another person entering the garage.
“Dad!” Charlie exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”
“I live here.” Alan replied, and gestured to the chalkboard. “I think the far better question might be what exactly you are doing.”
“Well, we were… uh…” Charlie stammered. The three agents all studiously avoided eye contact with Alan.
“You were meddling in your brother’s personal life. Something that he hasn’t been too fond of you doing since he hit puberty.” Alan commented.
“But Dad! He’s-” Charlie began.
Alan cut him off. “I know Charlie, but he’s a grown man. A grown man that is allowed to make his own choices, rather than being manipulated into them by his brother and coworkers.” Alan paused, his gaze sweeping over everyone present, conveying his disappointment. He held out a hand, gesturing for Charlie to hand over the chalk. “Now I want you all to stop this. I know you mean well, but this isn’t the way to do it.”
Underneath Alan’s disapproving gaze, Megan, Colby, David, and even Charlie slowly made their way out of the garage. Once the door shut behind them, Alan studied the chalkboard in front of him speculatively. A slow smile crept across his face as he raised the chalk in his hand and added his own writing to the board. Once he was satisfied, he went inside the house and dialed a number from memory.
“Hello Donnie? Do you think you can make it to the house for dinner tonight? I’m making rib eye…”
***
“So are you going to do it?” Colby asked when Charlie walked into the FBI office the following morning.
Charlie took a deep breath. He had spent all last night contemplating Megan’s idea and his father’s words on the subject. He had been truly torn. He knew what his dad said was true, but at the same time, he had a feeling that Ian was someone Don might really need in his life. What cemented his decision was Don’s strange attitude at dinner. He spent the entire evening nearly silent and left the house as soon as possible. He hadn’t seemed himself at all. Charlie just wanted his brother to be happy. If he had to make a fool out of himself in front of Edgerton and the entire FBI office in order to achieve it, then so be it. He let out the breath he’d been holding. “Yeah. I’m gonna do it.”
“Well, there’s Ian.” Colby said and pointed to where Ian was busily making coffee. “Probably the best chance you’re going to get.”
Charlie looked at Ian and then glanced to Don’s desk. Don was sitting there, pretending to read through a couple files, but Charlie noticed that every few seconds he looked up at Ian, his eyes never drifting far from the man. “Yeah. Looks like.”
Charlie reluctantly made his way towards Ian, passing both Megan and David on the way. Megan smirked and David flashed a quick thumbs up. Charlie smiled back weakly.
Ian immediately looked up when Charlie entered the room. “Morning Professor.”
“Hey Ian.” Charlie replied, breezily as he could manage.
“Want some coffee?” Ian offered, holding up the pot.
Charlie shook his head. “No, uh. I think I’m good.”
Ian turned, placing the pot back on the burner.
Charlie swallowed hard, knowing that he had to try this now, before he lost all his courage. He stalked forward with purpose, getting just inside Ian’s personal space. When Ian turned back towards him they were nearly touching. If Ian was surprised by the close proximity he didn’t let on.
Ian simply raised a brow and asked in a low suggestive tone, “Is there something I can do for you, Professor?”
Charlie’s tongue darted out to wet his lips. He knew Don was watching and he had to make this convincing. He reached out a hand to touch Ian’s arm and smiled up at him in his own suggestive way. “Is there something you’d like to do for me?”
Charlie didn’t quite know what to make of the predatory look that immediately stole over Ian’s face. Charlie hadn’t exactly expected Ian to react to him at all. He just thought his own bumbling flirting attempts would be enough to rile Don into action. Ian was Don’s. However, at the moment, Ian was grabbing Charlie and pushing him into the cabinets, mouth coming dangerously close to Charlie’s own and it was all wrong…
And just as Ian’s lips made contact with Charlie’s, the door was banging open and all Charlie could see was his brother’s angry face.
“Just what the hell do you think you’re doing Edgerton?!” Don questioned furiously, pulling him away from Charlie.
A mean smirk settled over Ian’s face. “I’m just having a little fun with your brother.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?! You’d better stay the hell away from him.” Don threatened.
Charlie’s eyes were rapidly flicking between the pair. This wasn’t what he’d planned for. Don was supposed to get mad at him, not Ian. He was supposed to be pissed at Charlie and confess his feeling to Ian in some kind of possessive, jealousy-induced bout of honesty. This was not part of the plan.
“Yeah? How are you going to stop me, Donnie?” Ian sneered. “I’ll do whatever the hell I want.”
Don hesitated for only a moment, before speaking. “I’ll stop you like this!” He exclaimed, launching himself at Ian.
Charlie barely managed to get himself out of the way before his brother made contact with Ian. Before he knew it the two were on the ground, wrestling furiously. He stared in shock for a moment, before remembering himself enough to search out Don’s team to get help breaking the fight up, but when he looked out into the office, he could see Megan, Colby, and David already hurrying towards them, horrified expressions on their faces.
Colby and David got there first and immediately set to prying the two apart. David grabbed Don and Colby pulled Ian back. Once they were on separate sides of the room, Megan inserted herself in the middle.
“What is going on?!” she questioned incredulously, as though she hadn’t watched the full encounter from her desk.
“He needs to keep his filthy hands off my brother.” Don spat, glaring at Ian.
Ian rolled his eyes. “He needs to butt out of things that don’t concern him.”
“He is my concern! He’s my brother!” Don argued.
“Yeah, well-”
“Enough!” Charlie finally shouted in a pained voice. He hadn’t meant for any of this to happen. He took a deep breath. “Don’t fight. I… That… Ian, I-”
“Wait a second…” Don said, cutting Charlie off and pinning him with a stare. “What about Amita?”
“That’s what I want to explain,” Charlie said. He turned towards Ian, remorseful expression clear on his face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lead you on just now, but you know I’m with Amita and this was all just a set up and…”
“We know,” Ian said bluntly, shrugging out of Colby’s grip as Don did the same to David. They moved so they were standing shoulder to shoulder in the center of the room.
“You guys have been playing mind games with us for weeks now. And It. Stops. Now.” Don continued slowly, glancing at everyone in turn.
“So this fight just now was fake?” Megan questioned.
Don and Ian smirked at each other and nodded.
“Pretty much,” Ian replied.
As soon as Don saw dissatisfied faces he spoke. “Yeah, it doesn’t feel too good when people play little tricks on you, does it?”
“I… uh. I’m sorry guys.” David said after a moment, finally realizing just how much damage their plotting could have done.
Colby agreed. “Yeah. Me too.”
Megan nodded as well. “But how did you guys know?”
Don shook his head. “Genius here left his notes up in the garage. I read about this whole set-up last night when I went over to the house for dinner. Then I called Ian once I got home.”
Charlie frowned at that. “Wait… I had a list on the chalkboard of the things we had already tried, but I didn’t write anything about this down.”
Don scratched his head in confusion for a second, before he smiled in realization, the pieces falling into place. “Dad sent me out to the garage to find something he left there… The writing on the one chalkboard was Charlie’s handwriting, but some of the notes and the second chalkboard weren’t… That must have been Dad’s handwriting,” he mused aloud.
Ian snorted, a wry expression settling across his face. “Sounds like all of you clowns owe Alan $20.”
Megan was the first to process what Ian said. Her eyes lit up. “Wait… So you guys are together now?”
Ian smirked, but Don just glanced sideways at the other man.
“I dunno. You kissing my brother definitely wasn’t part of the plan.” Don said, distancing himself from Ian.
“Hey. I was improvising.” Ian protested, reaching for Don.
Don grimaced and took a step away, towards the door. “I might never be able to kiss you again.”
“Is that so?” Ian asked teasingly, following Don out.
“Yeah. You’ve been contaminated. Charlie germs.” Don replied.
“Hey!” Charlie called out in protest. Neither man seemed to notice.
“I think you’re bluffing.” Ian said at the doorway.
Don shrugged, heading back to his desk. “We’ll see. You’re definitely going to at least have to brush your teeth first. And use mouthwash. Lots and lots of mouthwash.”
“You know, it’s not like I slipped him tongue or anything!” Ian called out; completely ignoring the strange looks the other agents in the office were giving him.
Back in the break room David snorted. “You know, I think we made a wrong assumption.”
“Oh yeah?” Colby asked. “What’s that?”
“That getting them together was somehow going to make them less obnoxious,” he said.
“You know, I think you’re right.” Megan replied. “We’ve traded in covert glances and quiet longing for flirtatious banter and PDA.”
David and Colby both groaned.
Charlie just smiled. “You know what? I think it’s worth it. As long as Don’s happy, I’m happy.”
“Yeah. I guess so,” David agreed with a grin. Megan smiled and nodded as well.
Then Charlie’s smile faltered a bit. “And as long as Ian never kisses me ever again, I might get out of this without Amita killing me.”
Colby laughed and disagreed. “Oh, Charlie. I wouldn't bet on that.”
Author: TBA
Disclaimer: Author doesn't own the show or the characters and isn't making any profit.
Title: Matchmaking for Dummies (Or the reasons why you should never bet on your boss’s love life)
Pairing: Don/Ian
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Spoilers up to 4.09 Graphic
Summary: Everyone knows they're a couple, right? So why are they the last to know?
It was sweltering. Colby wasn’t sure whose idea it was to schedule the FBI Family Picnic Day on the hottest day of the year, but he was torn between cursing and praising them. Cursing, because he was almost drenched in his own sweat and praising, because there were several attractive women stripped down to the bare essentials and Colby was quite enjoying the view.
He wanted to do more than enjoy the view however, and it seemed as though a large concentration of the single women had gathered around the pool. He stripped off his shirt and made his way over. He figured he might swim a few laps before joining them. He wasn’t above showing off his own body for a little attention. However, as he made his way past them, he heard a comment that made him pause.
“You know… I never quite understood the appeal of Jell-O wrestling, until this very moment.”
“Mmhmm.”
“If that’s what Violent Crimes is like, then you can sign me up.”
Colby stopped short and followed their line of sight, groaning when he saw what had apparently captured the imaginations of all the single women present.
“Oh. Oh, now this is getting ridiculous,” he mumbled to himself.
Apparently, Colby wasn’t the only one who thought the pool looked like the best alternative for the afternoon. Don and Ian had beaten him to the proverbial punch. Unlike him though, he was fairly certain they had no romantic designs on the women staring at them.
No, they seemed rather focused on each other.
Ian had an arm slung around Don’s neck and his fingers were threaded through Don’s hair. Don was jerking against him, hands scrambling across Ian’s chest and back, trying to find a place to grip. Their movements were making waves spread across the entire pool, distorting the lower halves of their bodies. Colby couldn’t quite tell what was going on beneath the surface of the water.
Not that he really wanted to know.
Suddenly, Don ducked down and Colby watched as he managed to twist out of Ian’s hold and shove the other man’s head underwater, crowing in victory.
A dunk contest, Colby belatedly realized. At least, that’s what it would have been if Don and Ian were ten-year-old boys. Since they were not, it had a decidedly different - read erotic - connotation. Colby just wished he could somehow convince his oblivious boss of that fact.
“Megan!” Colby heard a voice from the crowd of women shout. He scanned the crowd and spotted his bewildered coworker, who was currently being pounced on by several of the spectators.
“Reeves, isn’t that your partner?” a blonde agent questioned.
A woman Colby recognized from the computer crimes division piped up next. “Any openings on your team?”
“How’d you luck out?” This from a leggy redhead Colby’d been eying.
“Ever see the two of them in action?”
The last comment was from an unfamiliar brunette and said in a lascivious, objectifying tone that had Megan rolling her eyes and looking more than a little put out. Colby rolled his own eyes and pushed past a few of the women to make his way to her. He knew Megan had little patience for these kinds of harpies.
Her eyes shone with relief upon spotting him. “Colby. Thank goodness.”
Colby grinned and reached for her arm, pulling her away from the crowd. He knew full well that if he left Megan alone with these women long enough, the only thing they’d get out of her was a practical demonstration of her Krav Maga skills. “C’mon. I challenge you to a burger eating contest.”
“You’re on,” Megan replied with a smirk, shrugging off the inquisitive women.
They headed over to the grill and found David flipping burgers.
“Hey, I thought you were scoping out the prospects poolside.” David commented, nodding at Colby’s approach.
Megan snorted. “Granger would need a miracle to get noticed by that crowd.”
“Ouch. That’s harsh.” David said while sliding burgers onto plates for them.
“Nah. She’s just being honest.” Colby replied. He elaborated at David’s look. “Don and Ian are making a spectacle of themselves.”
David raised a brow and reached for his beer. “Oh?”
“They’re half naked, wet, and touching each other.” Megan said flatly, causing David to aspirate the swig of beer he took.
“Don’t say things like that!” he admonished, as soon as he was able to breathe again.
Megan flashed an innocent look. “What? It’s true.”
David grimaced. “Still. Don’t say things like that. It’s hard enough taking Don seriously on the days he wears jeans in the office, without having comments like that floating around in my head.”
“Yeah… You know, we’ve really got to do something about the two of them.” Colby said, through a big bite of his burger. “This is getting embarrassing.”
“Care to make it interesting?” David asked with a mischievous grin.
Colby grinned back. “What do you have in mind?”
“A bet.” David said. “Whoever gets them to admit they want to jump each other wins.”
Megan smirked. “Oh, I’ll take that bet.”
Colby hesitated for a split second. “What are the terms? Or are we just going for bragging rights?”
“How about a pool? Twenty-dollar buy in, winner takes all.” Megan said.
David’s eyebrows rose. “Clearly you’ve put some thought into this.”
“What can I say? Those two closet cases are like a profiler’s wet dream.” Megan said.
Colby cringed and stuttered. “Okay, if David can’t hear about Don half naked and wet, then I definitely can’t hear about you and wet dreams.”
Megan laughed. “Fair enough. So, are you in?”
Colby glanced over at David, who was already digging through his wallet and pulling out a crisp twenty. Colby sighed and reached for his own, wondering to himself what the hell he was getting into.
***
The terms they agreed on were simple. Each person got a week to pull off getting Don and Ian together. Fortunately, Ian was currently working out of the LA office, co-leading an interdepartmental rifle certification course with the head of LAPD SWAT, so he’d be in town for the full month. They drew straws to determine order. Colby went first, then David, and then Megan went last. And three weeks later, they were no closer to their goal than they were to begin with.
They’d had a couple of close calls at least. Or so they thought. However, far more often, their attempts were complete misfires.
Like the time Colby made a couple of ‘subtle’ suggestive remarks to Ian, only to have the other man sit him down for a serious… and seriously awkward… talk about the sexual harassment policy of the FBI and the ramifications of making such comments to a coworker. The talk ended with Ian telling Colby that he was flattered, but not interested. It was the only time Ian had really taken the whole “senior agent” thing seriously and Colby hadn’t stopped blushing for two days. David didn’t stop laughing for four.
In revenge, Colby neglected to mention why David’s idea to take Don and Ian out for drinks after a successful bust and just get them trashed enough to admit to wanting each other was completely and totally idiotic. David hadn’t quite counted on the simple fact that in order to get the pair that drunk without raising suspicion he’d have to drink along with them. Colby knew from years of experience that it was nearly impossible to out drink a Marine. Ian clearly hadn’t lost the talent. And Don was Don. So by the next morning all David had accomplished was racking up a nearly $200 bar tab, and was suffering from the worst hangover of his entire life. Colby couldn’t quite keep the smug look off his face.
Megan’s attempt was by far the most and least successful. The most successful, in the fact that no one ended up ill, embarrassed, or otherwise injured. She even managed to get Ian and Don to go on a date. Well. Sort of.
Don gave her a golden opportunity. They’d been in the office break room, discussing Colby’s blind date with the woman from Megan’s Krav Maga class.
“It was good.” Colby admitted with a shy smile, taking a sip of his coffee.
Megan leaned back in her chair, a pleased grin crossing her face. “You going to see her again?”
“I think so.” Colby said.
David pushed his shoulder. “You kinda like this acrobat don’t you?” he teased.
Colby just shrugged, still smiling.
“Say Megan, why aren’t you finding dates for the rest of us?” Don questioned jokingly, from his perch against the counter.
Colby snorted and ducked his head. Megan and David exchanged a knowing look.
“Yeah Megan,” David chimed in, eyes full of mischief. “Why not me or Don?”
“You, my friend, are way too particular. Besides, for you a blind date would take away half the fun.” Megan returned.
David grinned and nodded in Don’s direction. “How about Don then?”
Megan’s eyes lingered on David’s for a long moment, reading the challenge in his eyes. She smirked and turned to Don.
“Oh. I could find Don someone.” Megan said confidently.
“Yeah? Gonna bet me twenty bucks too?” Don questioned, voice still teasing.
“Nah. No bet. I can find someone for you and I guarantee, it will be the best date you’ve been on in months.” Megan replied confidently.
The teasing look dropped a little from Don’s face. He almost looked worried. “Given this some thought, have you?”
“A bit,” Megan replied, giving away nothing.
Don’s eyes darted towards his watch. “So you already have somebody in mind?”
“Yeah. You want this weekend? I’ll make a call.”
Before Don had time to reply, Megan was already out the door, leaving a bewildered Don behind.
“I wonder what I’m getting myself into…” Don mused aloud.
David hid a grin behind a napkin and Colby just shook his head and looked down as he made his way out of the room past Don, knowing his amusement was written plainly across his face.
After making his escape, Colby quickly tracked down Megan at her desk, already busy on the phone. She held up a finger to her lips for silence as soon as she caught his eye. “Yes… Two tickets? That’s great…. Behind third base. This Saturday. Thank you.” She hung up the phone and focused on Colby.
“The Dodgers game?” he asked. At Megan’s nod, he deflated a bit. “That’s your big idea? That’s so…” he trailed.
“So Don?” Megan offered up. “He likes baseball. He likes Ian. I’ll put the two together and he’s bound to have a good time.”
Colby couldn’t fault the logic. “How are you going to get Ian to be his date though? We agreed that no one was allowed to tell them directly that we were setting them up. You break the rules and David and I aren’t paying up.”
“Who says I’m going to have to tell him anything?” Megan questioned. She picked the phone up again. “Hey Ian, I was wondering if you had plans on Saturday…”
***
The following Monday, Colby and David were hanging around Megan’s desk, waiting with her for Don to arrive. David was certain that her blind date would have Don up in arms at her audacity. At least his and Colby’s attempts to get Don fixed up with Edgerton had been subtle. Megan blatantly pushing the two out on a date together was certainly anything but. He couldn’t quite wait to see Don’s reaction.
Colby was certain the man would be pissed. David was more banking on embarrassed. And Megan wouldn’t say what she thought his reaction would be, but the cat-who-got-the-canary smile she wore was very telling. Of course, all three ended up surprised when Don walked in acting like nothing out of the ordinary had happened at all.
“Hey, what are you all doing? I thought that you and Colby would be out already. Didn’t we finally get an address for our suspect’s girlfriend?” Don questioned as soon as he spotted the three of them lingering around the desks.
“Err. Yeah. We were just waiting for you to get here.” David said, recovering quickly and mentally running through the facts on their latest case - a successful bank robbery, which had left three people dead at the scene.
Don arched a brow. “Why?”
“Uh…” David faltered.
“We wanted to see if you wanted us to head back to the crime scene first. We got word from the techs that they found something at the bank.” Colby cut in smoothly.
“Yeah, sure. Sounds good,” Don replied. “I’m going to track down his old cellmate. Megan? You think you can run these files over to Charlie? See if he can find any kind of pattern.”
“Sure,” Megan replied, looking a little baffled. She, Colby, and David continued to stare at Don, making no move to continue on to their assigned tasks.
Don stared back at each of them in turn. “Okay… What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” “Not a thing.” Colby and Megan replied, almost in unison.
Don eyed them suspiciously, before turning to David.
David shrugged and smiled after a moment. “Say Don? How was the game this weekend?”
Don’s eyes immediately lit up. “It was great! Dodgers killed ‘em. I haven’t had that much fun in ages.”
“I’m glad you had a good time, Don,” Megan said, a smug note creeping into her voice.
“Yeah. Thanks again for the ticket.” Don said, turning towards her. “It’s just too bad that the date part of it didn’t work out. What, did she back out last minute? Guess you’ll have to try again some other time.”
Megan’s face fell at that. ‘What, I-”
“It was really good of you to give the extra ticket to Ian, though. I think he needed the break. How did you even know he likes baseball?” Don continued.
“Oh, I had a hunch,” she mumbled, exasperatedly. David only barely resisted sniggering.
“Well, he sends his ‘thanks’ as well. It was a great game,” Don replied, patting her on the shoulder as he headed for the elevator.
Megan turned disbelieving eyes onto her coworkers. Colby was grinning ear to ear. David was brushing tears off his face from his restrained laughter.
“I set the man up on a date. He goes on the date. And he still doesn’t get it,” she exclaimed. “Just how dense is he?”
David thought for a moment. “Pretty damn dense.”
“Guess we aren’t going to have to pay up after all.” Colby exclaimed gleefully. He rose from his seat. “Come on David, let’s get back to it.”
David spared Megan one last amused glance before following his partner out. He couldn’t help the chuckle as Megan groaned into her hands in frustration.
***
Megan was still frustrated by the conversation she’d had with Don by the time she made it to CalSci. Upon entering Charlie’s office and spotting him at the chalkboard, she couldn’t help the words that spilled out of her mouth. “Your brother is an idiot.”
“Well. I know for a fact that he had to retake calculus in college,” Charlie replied with a grin, turning from the board and grabbing the files she’d brought over. He thumbed through them for a moment in interest before looking up at Megan. Taking in her expression, he dropped the files on his desk and gave her his full attention. “But I have a feeling that you’re talking about more than his failure to grasp the fundamentals of derivative equations.”
“More like his basic math skills. For a trained investigator, he really doesn’t know how to put two and two together when it comes to himself,” Megan complained.
“You’re talking about his thing for Ian aren’t you?” Charlie asked astutely, dropping into his desk chair.
Megan’s head shot up. “You know about that?”
Charlie arched an eyebrow. “Don might be an idiot, but I’m not.” He then rooted around his desk for a moment before pulling a battered looking blue notebook out of a stack. He flipped towards the back and gestured to an equation. “Plus, I did the math.”
“Math?”
“Yeah. Like how, for instance, your team is statistically thirteen times more likely to have a case requiring the assistance of a certain sniper/tracker?” Charlie offered.
Megan squinted at the notebook. “Is that so?”
“It’s the only way to really justify why Don brings Ian in on cases as often as he does,” Charlie grinned. “Either that, or Don just likes having Ian around.”
“Somehow, I think it’s that second thing,” Megan replied. “So what led you to run the numbers on that?”
Charlie blushed slightly, shutting the blue notebook. “I… uh. Well. Don’s Don, you know?”
Megan smiled, reaching for the notebook. She thumbed through the pages, not recognizing much more than the few written notes and the dates on the pages. Charlie had been using the notebook for years. She handed it back. “Is that what this notebook is? Don math?”
“Yeah. Sometimes it’s easier to try to figure Don out this way, you know?” Charlie replied; taking the notebook and tossing it back on his desk. “I started this notebook right after he came back to L.A. He was like a stranger then.”
“So what has the math shown, other than his thing for Edgerton?” Megan asked, genuinely curious.
Charlie shook his head. “Nothing quite as interesting. Though, I still can’t quite figure out how he always seems to know when Dad’s making rib eye. It really can’t just be luck.”
Megan laughed.
A knock on the door drew both their attentions. Amita was standing in the doorway. “Hey Charlie. Megan. Did you get the files for the robbery case?”
“Uh yeah.” Charlie replied, shifting papers around on his desk again to unearth the files Megan brought. “Sorry. We got a little distracted.”
“Oh?”
“Charlie was showing me his Don math.” Megan explained.
Amita glanced towards Charlie’s desk, spotting the blue notebook. “Ah. Is this about his crush on Agent Edgerton?”
“You know about that too?” Charlie asked his girlfriend.
Amita walked into the room and perched on the edge of Charlie’s desk. “Everyone knows about that.”
Megan nodded in agreement. “It’s just too bad Don doesn’t see it. Colby, David, and I are about ready to give up on getting it through his head.”
“David and Colby know?” Charlie questioned
“Charlie. Everyone knows.” Megan repeated Amita’s earlier words.
Charlie frowned, looking worried. He made to stand. “Even Ian? Oh. This is bad. I’ve got to tell Don. I-”
“Whoa. Easy Charlie. Ian doesn’t know.” Megan said, blocking Charlie’s exit from the room. “That’s what’s making this so painful. If the two of them would just stop pretending they weren’t head over heels for each other, they’d probably notice that they weren’t exactly alone in the way they feel.”
“Wait… Ian is interested in Don?!” Charlie exclaimed, falling back into his chair.
Megan smiled at Charlie’s stunned expression. “Why are you so surprised? I thought you knew…”
“I knew that Don had a thing for Ian, but I guess I never really considered that Ian felt the same. I mean, Ian’s…” Charlie trailed, with a wave of his hand. “He’s so--”
“Lusting over your brother?” Amita offered.
Charlie eyed her like she was crazy. “What? I was going to say ‘straight’.”
“Charlie, I thought when you were doing the math on Don that you’d do it on Ian too.” Amita said. “He’s even more obvious about it than Don is.”
“What do you mean?” Charlie asked, still sounding bewildered.
Megan and Amita exchanged glances, neither woman was quite sure how to tell Charlie that Ian spent the bulk of his time around Don eyeing the man like he was an oasis in the middle of the desert. It wasn’t exactly the kind of thing you’d want to hear about your own brother. Finally, Amita turned towards Charlie. “Why don’t you make your own observations next time you are at the office? Maybe once we have some results from these,” she suggested, reaching for the files Megan had dropped off.
Charlie still looked skeptical, but obligingly turned his attention to the case files anyway. “Okay.”
***
Four days later Charlie burst into the conference room like a man possessed. Colby and Megan looked up in surprise.
“Hey Charlie, what’s your hurry?” Megan asked.
Charlie inhaled deeply, catching his breath. “You. You were right.”
Colby cocked his head in question.
“About Ian.” Charlie explained. “I’ve been watching.”
Megan smirked. “Told you. So what have you concluded, Dr. Eppes?”
“I want in on your bet.” Charlie said, flashing a twenty. “I had an idea last night when Don came over with some laundry.”
“Laundry?” Colby questioned skeptically.
Charlie nodded. “Megan and Amita gave me the idea. They told me to watch Ian around my brother. And well… I noticed two things. When Don talks, Ian isn’t making eye contact; he’s focused on Don’s mouth. And… He tends to spend an inordinate amount of time staring at…” Charlie blushed, eyes darting towards Megan.
Megan bit her lip, knowing where this was headed.
“Well?” Colby questioned.
Charlie remained silent.
“You shrunk all of his jeans, didn’t you?” Megan finally asked.
“It took some trial and error, but I found that if you increase the water temperature 15 degrees Fahrenheit and add an extra eight minutes to the dryer time, you can shrink a pair of jeans to be exactly one half size smaller. Any more than that and I think Don would have noticed.” Charlie explained in a rush.
“What do Don’s jeans have to do with…” Colby began. “Oh! Ah, jeez! That is not something I needed to know.”
Charlie made a face. “Trust me, I understand how you feel. The last thing I needed to know was that the list of people who think my brother has a great ass includes, not only my girlfriend, but also one of the scariest federal agents I’ve ever met.”
Megan couldn’t help the giggle she let loose at that. “Is he wearing them today?”
Charlie rounded on Megan, a betrayed look on his face. “Not you too!”
Megan shrugged playfully, refusing to comment further on the subject. “Well is he?”
“See for yourself,” Charlie said, nodding towards Don’s desk.
Megan craned her head to catch a glimpse of her boss and immediately made a mental note to tell Don he needed to go shopping as soon as this was all over. Don normally worn his jeans tight, but what he had on now was bordering on obscene. He was leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination. Still, the man certainly knew how to fill a pair of jeans…
“Megan! Earth to Megan!” Colby shouted.
Megan tore her eyes away, blushing as she caught sight of Colby. “What?” she asked defensively.
Colby rolled his eyes. “Okay Charlie. So you’ve turned our boss into Captain Tightpants. What now? Is Edgerton even around?”
“Oh, I took care of that,” Charlie replied confidently.
As if on cue, the elevator doors opened, and Ian strode into the office. Charlie waved him over before he could catch sight of Don.
“Hey Professor. You said you wanted my opinion on this bank case?” Ian questioned.
“Yeah. I noticed that the robbers were using a particular gun during the robberies. I figure you are the closest person on hand to a weapons expert, so I thought maybe you could offer some insight as to the proficiency of the criminals responsible.” Charlie lied fluidly.
If Ian thought it sounded suspicious, he didn’t let on. “Okay.”
“I left my notes with Don. I don’t think he’s busy right now. You could have him bring you up to speed.” Charlie told him, pointing towards Don.
Ian nodded and headed over in that direction.
As soon as he was out of earshot, Colby commented, “You realize the guns used in these heists are your bargain basic Bryco semi-automatics, right?”
Charlie snorted, watching Ian make his way over to Don. “Like either of them will notice.”
It seemed he was right. The three watched from the break room as Ian first caught sight of Don at his desk. He was standing, bending slightly over the partition separating his and David’s desks, chatting away. They watched as Ian paused and swallowed reflexively, eyes trailing up and down Don’s body, completely oblivious to anything and anyone else.
“This has to be it.” Charlie muttered. “He’s got to make a move.”
“I think you’re right. He looks like he’s just going to jump him.” Colby replied disbelief coloring his words, watching as Ian took his first steps forward.
Megan was almost about to verbalize her agreement when she caught sight of a blonde haired attorney making a beeline for Don, eyes just as hungry as Edgerton’s. “Uh oh.”
They watched as Nadine Hodges determinedly approached Don, pulling out all the stops. She had her hand on his chest, was flipping her hair, and smiling at him as though she might break if she stopped. Ian stopped short at the sight of her, before Don even noticed his presence. Within minutes, Don was smiling back at Nadine and following the pretty attorney back towards the elevator.
The pained look on Ian’s face wasn’t one any of his unnoticed observers had ever seen before.
With one word, Megan summed up all their thoughts. “Damn.”
“Don really is an idiot.” Charlie added for good measure.
***
“Edgerton is officially moping.” David announced, walking into Charlie’s garage and snagging a seat on the couch next to Megan. They were meeting in secret, trying to come up with one last plan to hook up Don and Ian. It wasn’t even about the bet anymore. Besides, they were all individually out of ideas and figured that working together might be the only way to actually succeed in getting the pair together.
“Yeah. It’s pretty weird.” Colby added. “I mean, he’s lost that whole sniper-Zen I-can-kill-you-with-my-little-finger thing. Now he’s just grouchy.”
Both agents leveled mock-accusing glares at Charlie.
“I know, I know. My idea backfired spectacularly. I thought for sure Ian would make a move. I didn’t think I had to worry about somebody else making one first.” Charlie replied. “At least he only went out with Nadine the once.”
“Anyone else have any other ideas?” Megan asked.
“Handcuffing them together and leaving them in the locker room for the weekend?” Colby offered.
“Hmm. Tempting.” David replied. “Yeah… Right up until Monday when we let them go and Edgerton shoots us and Don fires us.”
“Touché.”
“Well, I think we’ve all but eliminated the chance of Ian making the first move.” David opined.
Colby nodded his agreement. “Yeah, just watching him at the office when Don walked out with Nadine was brutal. I can’t even imagine what that felt like for him.”
“Okay, so then we know we need to find a way to make Don react.” Megan stated. “What do we know are Don’s hot buttons?”
“He’s competitive.” Colby said. “If we got someone interested in Edgerton, maybe he’d make a move.”
David shook his head. “I kind of tried that when I took them to the bar. Got it into this bartender’s head to chat up Ian when he put in drink orders. Don got pretty jealous, but he basically just stole her attention and flirted with her right in front of Ian. Don’s a major cockblock.”
Megan frowned. “I don’t really like the idea of manipulating somebody else’s feelings to make this work.”
“Okay, so let’s get this in order.” Charlie picked up a piece of chalk and started writing on the board, narrating as he wrote. “Ideas that have been tried: 1) Suggestive Remarks. 2) Alcohol. 3) Blind Date. 4) Suggestive Clothing. 5) Jealousy.”
“All of which seem to have flopped.” Megan said, eyes roving the list.
David stared at the list as well. “I’m out of ideas.”
“Me too.” Colby said.
“You know,” Megan began, tapping her chin. “I really think that the jealousy angle might be the way to go. Don always gets the most determined when he feels threatened.”
“But you just said-” Charlie began.
“I know. What we need is someone who already knows what’s going on.” Megan said.
“We could just tell whomever we get to flirt with Ian the whole story.” Colby offered.
“Yeah, but how’s that going to stop Don from just pulling the cockblock routine?” David questioned.
“What we need is someone to flirt with Edgerton that would be totally off limits to Don,” Megan said, eyes gleaming mischievously. “Like maybe someone already engaged in rivalry with Don. Someone who already pushes all of Don’s buttons,” she finished, her eyes settling on Charlie.
“What?!” Charlie squawked. “No way!” He looked towards David and Colby, eyes pleading for support. “He’d never believe it anyway. I’m with Amita.”
David and Colby both gazed speculatively at Charlie, before glancing at each other.
“That…” David began. “That actually might work.”
“Don’s head might also explode.” Colby added.
“Guys, come on! You can’t be serious.” Charlie protested. “There is no way I’m flirting with Ian Edgerton in order to make my brother jealous enough to ask him out. It’s ridiculous!”
Before Megan, David, or Colby could attempt to convince Charlie otherwise, movement in the doorway caught their attention.
“Well. It certainly sounds ridiculous.”
Charlie whirled around from the chalkboard and was very surprised to see another person entering the garage.
“Dad!” Charlie exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”
“I live here.” Alan replied, and gestured to the chalkboard. “I think the far better question might be what exactly you are doing.”
“Well, we were… uh…” Charlie stammered. The three agents all studiously avoided eye contact with Alan.
“You were meddling in your brother’s personal life. Something that he hasn’t been too fond of you doing since he hit puberty.” Alan commented.
“But Dad! He’s-” Charlie began.
Alan cut him off. “I know Charlie, but he’s a grown man. A grown man that is allowed to make his own choices, rather than being manipulated into them by his brother and coworkers.” Alan paused, his gaze sweeping over everyone present, conveying his disappointment. He held out a hand, gesturing for Charlie to hand over the chalk. “Now I want you all to stop this. I know you mean well, but this isn’t the way to do it.”
Underneath Alan’s disapproving gaze, Megan, Colby, David, and even Charlie slowly made their way out of the garage. Once the door shut behind them, Alan studied the chalkboard in front of him speculatively. A slow smile crept across his face as he raised the chalk in his hand and added his own writing to the board. Once he was satisfied, he went inside the house and dialed a number from memory.
“Hello Donnie? Do you think you can make it to the house for dinner tonight? I’m making rib eye…”
***
“So are you going to do it?” Colby asked when Charlie walked into the FBI office the following morning.
Charlie took a deep breath. He had spent all last night contemplating Megan’s idea and his father’s words on the subject. He had been truly torn. He knew what his dad said was true, but at the same time, he had a feeling that Ian was someone Don might really need in his life. What cemented his decision was Don’s strange attitude at dinner. He spent the entire evening nearly silent and left the house as soon as possible. He hadn’t seemed himself at all. Charlie just wanted his brother to be happy. If he had to make a fool out of himself in front of Edgerton and the entire FBI office in order to achieve it, then so be it. He let out the breath he’d been holding. “Yeah. I’m gonna do it.”
“Well, there’s Ian.” Colby said and pointed to where Ian was busily making coffee. “Probably the best chance you’re going to get.”
Charlie looked at Ian and then glanced to Don’s desk. Don was sitting there, pretending to read through a couple files, but Charlie noticed that every few seconds he looked up at Ian, his eyes never drifting far from the man. “Yeah. Looks like.”
Charlie reluctantly made his way towards Ian, passing both Megan and David on the way. Megan smirked and David flashed a quick thumbs up. Charlie smiled back weakly.
Ian immediately looked up when Charlie entered the room. “Morning Professor.”
“Hey Ian.” Charlie replied, breezily as he could manage.
“Want some coffee?” Ian offered, holding up the pot.
Charlie shook his head. “No, uh. I think I’m good.”
Ian turned, placing the pot back on the burner.
Charlie swallowed hard, knowing that he had to try this now, before he lost all his courage. He stalked forward with purpose, getting just inside Ian’s personal space. When Ian turned back towards him they were nearly touching. If Ian was surprised by the close proximity he didn’t let on.
Ian simply raised a brow and asked in a low suggestive tone, “Is there something I can do for you, Professor?”
Charlie’s tongue darted out to wet his lips. He knew Don was watching and he had to make this convincing. He reached out a hand to touch Ian’s arm and smiled up at him in his own suggestive way. “Is there something you’d like to do for me?”
Charlie didn’t quite know what to make of the predatory look that immediately stole over Ian’s face. Charlie hadn’t exactly expected Ian to react to him at all. He just thought his own bumbling flirting attempts would be enough to rile Don into action. Ian was Don’s. However, at the moment, Ian was grabbing Charlie and pushing him into the cabinets, mouth coming dangerously close to Charlie’s own and it was all wrong…
And just as Ian’s lips made contact with Charlie’s, the door was banging open and all Charlie could see was his brother’s angry face.
“Just what the hell do you think you’re doing Edgerton?!” Don questioned furiously, pulling him away from Charlie.
A mean smirk settled over Ian’s face. “I’m just having a little fun with your brother.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?! You’d better stay the hell away from him.” Don threatened.
Charlie’s eyes were rapidly flicking between the pair. This wasn’t what he’d planned for. Don was supposed to get mad at him, not Ian. He was supposed to be pissed at Charlie and confess his feeling to Ian in some kind of possessive, jealousy-induced bout of honesty. This was not part of the plan.
“Yeah? How are you going to stop me, Donnie?” Ian sneered. “I’ll do whatever the hell I want.”
Don hesitated for only a moment, before speaking. “I’ll stop you like this!” He exclaimed, launching himself at Ian.
Charlie barely managed to get himself out of the way before his brother made contact with Ian. Before he knew it the two were on the ground, wrestling furiously. He stared in shock for a moment, before remembering himself enough to search out Don’s team to get help breaking the fight up, but when he looked out into the office, he could see Megan, Colby, and David already hurrying towards them, horrified expressions on their faces.
Colby and David got there first and immediately set to prying the two apart. David grabbed Don and Colby pulled Ian back. Once they were on separate sides of the room, Megan inserted herself in the middle.
“What is going on?!” she questioned incredulously, as though she hadn’t watched the full encounter from her desk.
“He needs to keep his filthy hands off my brother.” Don spat, glaring at Ian.
Ian rolled his eyes. “He needs to butt out of things that don’t concern him.”
“He is my concern! He’s my brother!” Don argued.
“Yeah, well-”
“Enough!” Charlie finally shouted in a pained voice. He hadn’t meant for any of this to happen. He took a deep breath. “Don’t fight. I… That… Ian, I-”
“Wait a second…” Don said, cutting Charlie off and pinning him with a stare. “What about Amita?”
“That’s what I want to explain,” Charlie said. He turned towards Ian, remorseful expression clear on his face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lead you on just now, but you know I’m with Amita and this was all just a set up and…”
“We know,” Ian said bluntly, shrugging out of Colby’s grip as Don did the same to David. They moved so they were standing shoulder to shoulder in the center of the room.
“You guys have been playing mind games with us for weeks now. And It. Stops. Now.” Don continued slowly, glancing at everyone in turn.
“So this fight just now was fake?” Megan questioned.
Don and Ian smirked at each other and nodded.
“Pretty much,” Ian replied.
As soon as Don saw dissatisfied faces he spoke. “Yeah, it doesn’t feel too good when people play little tricks on you, does it?”
“I… uh. I’m sorry guys.” David said after a moment, finally realizing just how much damage their plotting could have done.
Colby agreed. “Yeah. Me too.”
Megan nodded as well. “But how did you guys know?”
Don shook his head. “Genius here left his notes up in the garage. I read about this whole set-up last night when I went over to the house for dinner. Then I called Ian once I got home.”
Charlie frowned at that. “Wait… I had a list on the chalkboard of the things we had already tried, but I didn’t write anything about this down.”
Don scratched his head in confusion for a second, before he smiled in realization, the pieces falling into place. “Dad sent me out to the garage to find something he left there… The writing on the one chalkboard was Charlie’s handwriting, but some of the notes and the second chalkboard weren’t… That must have been Dad’s handwriting,” he mused aloud.
Ian snorted, a wry expression settling across his face. “Sounds like all of you clowns owe Alan $20.”
Megan was the first to process what Ian said. Her eyes lit up. “Wait… So you guys are together now?”
Ian smirked, but Don just glanced sideways at the other man.
“I dunno. You kissing my brother definitely wasn’t part of the plan.” Don said, distancing himself from Ian.
“Hey. I was improvising.” Ian protested, reaching for Don.
Don grimaced and took a step away, towards the door. “I might never be able to kiss you again.”
“Is that so?” Ian asked teasingly, following Don out.
“Yeah. You’ve been contaminated. Charlie germs.” Don replied.
“Hey!” Charlie called out in protest. Neither man seemed to notice.
“I think you’re bluffing.” Ian said at the doorway.
Don shrugged, heading back to his desk. “We’ll see. You’re definitely going to at least have to brush your teeth first. And use mouthwash. Lots and lots of mouthwash.”
“You know, it’s not like I slipped him tongue or anything!” Ian called out; completely ignoring the strange looks the other agents in the office were giving him.
Back in the break room David snorted. “You know, I think we made a wrong assumption.”
“Oh yeah?” Colby asked. “What’s that?”
“That getting them together was somehow going to make them less obnoxious,” he said.
“You know, I think you’re right.” Megan replied. “We’ve traded in covert glances and quiet longing for flirtatious banter and PDA.”
David and Colby both groaned.
Charlie just smiled. “You know what? I think it’s worth it. As long as Don’s happy, I’m happy.”
“Yeah. I guess so,” David agreed with a grin. Megan smiled and nodded as well.
Then Charlie’s smile faltered a bit. “And as long as Ian never kisses me ever again, I might get out of this without Amita killing me.”
Colby laughed and disagreed. “Oh, Charlie. I wouldn't bet on that.”