(no subject)
I just loaded up the car for the last time. I really think it will help being detached from everything I once knew. I called my old therapist and am in the workings of setting something up. In these past years I've come to know my mind and body well enough to know I should be being treated for what's going on inside me. Or more accurately, what isn't.
I should be getting the results of my biopsy back in less than a week. I called my mom in Florida and worried her sick about it last night. I just want to know what's wrong with me so I can add that to the list of things I'm slowly trying to recover from. I'll be back to work and things will be back to normal as far as my every day life in concerned. I'll just be living it in a new place.
I'm scared because this new sickness poses a new threat to my life. One I've never had to deal with before. The feeling that I could just go to sleep forever and never wake up again. And just how fucking good that would feel right about now. But then reality hits me, along with the fact that I know damn well things will never be that easy. Ever.
So here comes my new life. I wish I could say a new me was coming along with it, but that will come in time. How much time exactly depends on how much therapy and medication I can possibly pump into my system these next few months before my insurance runs out. I just wish it hadnt been so hard for me to admit that I have a problem again. I could have dealt with all of this months ago and already be on my way to recovery. But my heart wouln't let me admit that all I'd done is made it right back to where I had started. And now look at me. I'm worse off now then I ever was.
So wish me luck. Say a prayer. Cross your fingers. Because I'm gonna need all the help I can get.
I should be getting the results of my biopsy back in less than a week. I called my mom in Florida and worried her sick about it last night. I just want to know what's wrong with me so I can add that to the list of things I'm slowly trying to recover from. I'll be back to work and things will be back to normal as far as my every day life in concerned. I'll just be living it in a new place.
I'm scared because this new sickness poses a new threat to my life. One I've never had to deal with before. The feeling that I could just go to sleep forever and never wake up again. And just how fucking good that would feel right about now. But then reality hits me, along with the fact that I know damn well things will never be that easy. Ever.
So here comes my new life. I wish I could say a new me was coming along with it, but that will come in time. How much time exactly depends on how much therapy and medication I can possibly pump into my system these next few months before my insurance runs out. I just wish it hadnt been so hard for me to admit that I have a problem again. I could have dealt with all of this months ago and already be on my way to recovery. But my heart wouln't let me admit that all I'd done is made it right back to where I had started. And now look at me. I'm worse off now then I ever was.
So wish me luck. Say a prayer. Cross your fingers. Because I'm gonna need all the help I can get.