Well, that didn't last long
I am never writing about how happy I am ever again. I'm not even going to breathe a word of it. I jinx myself every time! - I’m happy. I wait for the other shoe to drop. It doesn't. I get Super Excited and tell someone. The next day I can't breathe because of the pain in my chest from anxiety and sadness. UGH!
I dreamt about my Grandfather. He looked wonderful and warm. I ran into his arms. He held me close and whispered in my ear, “Things change. (long pause) Everything will be ok.”
Every time he comes to me in a dream he tells me everything will be ok. Afterwards, I cannot stop crying. It takes a real emotional toll. I don’t know if it is a blessing or curse that he comes to me. I get to see him, hug him, and smell him, but only for a moment. Then there is nothing - just lingering sadness. At least I know he is ok.
I told Mom about the dream. She thought it was nice and asked how he looked. I told her. I never tell her about the sadness that comes afterwards. I don’t tell anyone. Mom can’t handle it when I am sad, hurt, sick or in a bind. She doesn’t want me to suffer. I believe part of the reasons these dreams are so hard on me is because I never properly grieved after his death. I felt I had to be strong for Mom and my grandma. I didn’t want them to see what a hysterical mess I was inside.
Although I think G might understand now since he lost his grandparents this summer, he would not give me the response and reassurance I need. It would be a waste to discuss this with G. I would only be left angry and empty.
What shook me the most is what my Grandfather said. Why is he telling me this now?!? I thought things were going well. Why Now?
This week was the anniversary of a time G hurt me. It’s been three years and I still bothers me. Everything would be fine if I could just let it go. Every time I think about it I get sick. I question myself. I question him. I get pissed about how I handled it. IT IS IN THE PAST! It should stay there! I wish I could just erase it from my memory. Is this what my Grandfather was referring to in my dream? I might not have remembered it this year if I hadn’t had to write the date.
They say time heals all wounds. I guess that is not working for me.
I dreamt about my Grandfather. He looked wonderful and warm. I ran into his arms. He held me close and whispered in my ear, “Things change. (long pause) Everything will be ok.”
Every time he comes to me in a dream he tells me everything will be ok. Afterwards, I cannot stop crying. It takes a real emotional toll. I don’t know if it is a blessing or curse that he comes to me. I get to see him, hug him, and smell him, but only for a moment. Then there is nothing - just lingering sadness. At least I know he is ok.
I told Mom about the dream. She thought it was nice and asked how he looked. I told her. I never tell her about the sadness that comes afterwards. I don’t tell anyone. Mom can’t handle it when I am sad, hurt, sick or in a bind. She doesn’t want me to suffer. I believe part of the reasons these dreams are so hard on me is because I never properly grieved after his death. I felt I had to be strong for Mom and my grandma. I didn’t want them to see what a hysterical mess I was inside.
Although I think G might understand now since he lost his grandparents this summer, he would not give me the response and reassurance I need. It would be a waste to discuss this with G. I would only be left angry and empty.
What shook me the most is what my Grandfather said. Why is he telling me this now?!? I thought things were going well. Why Now?
This week was the anniversary of a time G hurt me. It’s been three years and I still bothers me. Everything would be fine if I could just let it go. Every time I think about it I get sick. I question myself. I question him. I get pissed about how I handled it. IT IS IN THE PAST! It should stay there! I wish I could just erase it from my memory. Is this what my Grandfather was referring to in my dream? I might not have remembered it this year if I hadn’t had to write the date.
They say time heals all wounds. I guess that is not working for me.