[fic] Another Life
He visits the shop as like he always has before.
He sits on the porch, waiting; a drink already in his hand, a lit pipe in the other. They’re only feet apart but are miles more than they ever have been before; time has passed, things have changed, emotions have been torn. They gaze at each other for what seems like hours; golden eyes burning, gazing back into his own reflection through one. That blue sapphire softens and the smile that’s below it doesn’t reach it- it’s fading, breaking down; shedding away the wall that is hiding the truth underneath.
Doumeki doesn’t sit down. He stays grounded, hands curled into fists at his sides. Knuckles churning white, feeling everything inside of him screaming- he wants to scream, too, with everything else that’s crying inside of him, but he doesn’t.
He remains impassive, unchanging. But Watanuki can see through all of it.
Because everything inside of him is screaming, too.
He places down the cup of sake, places down the billowing smoke that he had been holding between his fingers and slowly brings himself to his feet, carrying himself slowly, almost hesitantly towards the other.
The distance between them stretches as Watanuki drops his gaze, but his slender hand raises to set itself down on Doumeki’s chest, smoothing out the wrinkles on his dress shirt.
He feels Doumeki’s gaze on him, feels him mimic his own actions; and then suddenly there’s a rough, calloused hand placed on the left side of his chest, and Watanuki freezes under the touch.
He feels a pulse through the palm; one which beats at the same pace as his own.
His breath hitches quietly and he brings himself to look up at the other; that smile long gone by now, and it looks as though he wants to say something.. anything.. but he struggles to find the words as the sadness within him takes over his expression; eyes becoming worn, fingers gripping into the fabric, ruining the covered perfection he attempted to create. There’s so much to say, so much that needs to be let go of; but the prolonged time between them is reaching its end.
The distance is only becoming further.
Doumeki frowns down at Watanuki, understanding each second of this moment. He sighs quietly and closes his eyes, feeling only the heart that could never truly belong to him. He moves his hand, slowly, past Watanuki’s chest and lets his fingers trail over the porcelain skin of his neck; until he reaches gold, and he rubs gently beside it as Watanuki leans into the touch, closing his eyes and holding back all of the emotion that’s threatening to escape.
He can’t let this go. Not yet.. not after everything that had happened; not after years of constant visits and hidden feelings, after memories of rain and blood and glass; of spiders and vision and a hand clasped tightly around his own. He can’t, he can’t.. and just as the thoughts start to bubble, he feels his framed glasses leave his face, being tucked into the front of his yukata. Startling he opens his eyes and suddenly feels another hand on his cheek, caressing into his black locks of hair and he breathes out softly, meeting with the other pair of eyes again. His own hands raise; covering the ones against his face and he lets his lashes fall; feeling breath move closer, a forehead against his own, and..
He tightens his fingers and Doumeki stops moving.
No.
This is not my right.
It wasn’t a matter of want; it had to be done. It could not be avoided..
Not anymore.
“In another life..”
He’s trembling, just slightly, but Doumeki still holds him. There’s a name at the edge of Doumeki’s tongue but he dares not to speak it, not to make a move as Watanuki’s uneasy words whisper from his lips. Nails dig into skin; the inevitable is falling after so long, breaking free and all Watanuki can do is gaze at him, stare at his pained expression; one that easily matches his own.
“In another life..” he manages to choke, tightening his hold. “We.. could have been..”
But it was not this life. It was not this time.
The distance could not be shortened, it could not be fixed; this was how it was meant to be, no matter what either of them had wished.
Hands leave him, then; his own falling back to his sides, and Watanuki watches as Doumeki tears his gaze away before turning to leave. Knuckles strain again and the shop keeper curls into himself; and the archer curses fate, shuts his eyes closed and allows the space between them to finally be accepted.
One must move. The other must stay.
No longer could one hold down the other.
Broad shoulders disappear behind the pillars of the gate, and a heap of silk lies crumpled on the dirt of the ground.
Goodbye.
He sits on the porch, waiting; a drink already in his hand, a lit pipe in the other. They’re only feet apart but are miles more than they ever have been before; time has passed, things have changed, emotions have been torn. They gaze at each other for what seems like hours; golden eyes burning, gazing back into his own reflection through one. That blue sapphire softens and the smile that’s below it doesn’t reach it- it’s fading, breaking down; shedding away the wall that is hiding the truth underneath.
Doumeki doesn’t sit down. He stays grounded, hands curled into fists at his sides. Knuckles churning white, feeling everything inside of him screaming- he wants to scream, too, with everything else that’s crying inside of him, but he doesn’t.
He remains impassive, unchanging. But Watanuki can see through all of it.
Because everything inside of him is screaming, too.
He places down the cup of sake, places down the billowing smoke that he had been holding between his fingers and slowly brings himself to his feet, carrying himself slowly, almost hesitantly towards the other.
The distance between them stretches as Watanuki drops his gaze, but his slender hand raises to set itself down on Doumeki’s chest, smoothing out the wrinkles on his dress shirt.
He feels Doumeki’s gaze on him, feels him mimic his own actions; and then suddenly there’s a rough, calloused hand placed on the left side of his chest, and Watanuki freezes under the touch.
He feels a pulse through the palm; one which beats at the same pace as his own.
His breath hitches quietly and he brings himself to look up at the other; that smile long gone by now, and it looks as though he wants to say something.. anything.. but he struggles to find the words as the sadness within him takes over his expression; eyes becoming worn, fingers gripping into the fabric, ruining the covered perfection he attempted to create. There’s so much to say, so much that needs to be let go of; but the prolonged time between them is reaching its end.
The distance is only becoming further.
Doumeki frowns down at Watanuki, understanding each second of this moment. He sighs quietly and closes his eyes, feeling only the heart that could never truly belong to him. He moves his hand, slowly, past Watanuki’s chest and lets his fingers trail over the porcelain skin of his neck; until he reaches gold, and he rubs gently beside it as Watanuki leans into the touch, closing his eyes and holding back all of the emotion that’s threatening to escape.
He can’t let this go. Not yet.. not after everything that had happened; not after years of constant visits and hidden feelings, after memories of rain and blood and glass; of spiders and vision and a hand clasped tightly around his own. He can’t, he can’t.. and just as the thoughts start to bubble, he feels his framed glasses leave his face, being tucked into the front of his yukata. Startling he opens his eyes and suddenly feels another hand on his cheek, caressing into his black locks of hair and he breathes out softly, meeting with the other pair of eyes again. His own hands raise; covering the ones against his face and he lets his lashes fall; feeling breath move closer, a forehead against his own, and..
He tightens his fingers and Doumeki stops moving.
No.
This is not my right.
It wasn’t a matter of want; it had to be done. It could not be avoided..
Not anymore.
“In another life..”
He’s trembling, just slightly, but Doumeki still holds him. There’s a name at the edge of Doumeki’s tongue but he dares not to speak it, not to make a move as Watanuki’s uneasy words whisper from his lips. Nails dig into skin; the inevitable is falling after so long, breaking free and all Watanuki can do is gaze at him, stare at his pained expression; one that easily matches his own.
“In another life..” he manages to choke, tightening his hold. “We.. could have been..”
But it was not this life. It was not this time.
The distance could not be shortened, it could not be fixed; this was how it was meant to be, no matter what either of them had wished.
Hands leave him, then; his own falling back to his sides, and Watanuki watches as Doumeki tears his gaze away before turning to leave. Knuckles strain again and the shop keeper curls into himself; and the archer curses fate, shuts his eyes closed and allows the space between them to finally be accepted.
One must move. The other must stay.
No longer could one hold down the other.
Broad shoulders disappear behind the pillars of the gate, and a heap of silk lies crumpled on the dirt of the ground.
Goodbye.