I walked across an empty land; I knew the pathway like the back of my hand.
Finding yourself is a hard thing to do. I know this for a fact. Especially since my automatic reflex to unpleasant events is 'denial and distract', so maybe just for me it was hard. Not just 'difficult test' hard, but 'difficult math test and you may have to fight a cougar to pass' hard. But, looking back on all the many bad things and the few good things from the past two years I think I've finally found my spot. My place. My Zen. Whatever you want to call it, I think I'm finally there. I've changed slightly drastically, I know that but underneath it all I can still see that I'm the same person only more mature maybe? Even though that doesn't seem like exactly the right word for it. Toned down might be more apt.
I could spend time on all the unhappy events that some of you may or may not know about but, I'm not going to. It hit me this past Friday at work when T called me 'smiley' that my smile wasn't forced anymore. After that, during some self-reflection, I found that I was genuinely happy with my spot in the universe. It came to me as a complete shock. My life had healed itself without me and I had no clue how that had happened. So then I sat down and found the clues.
My optimism is like a persistent cockroach - no matter how hard things tried to kill it they just couldn't succeed.
I am a extrovert but had a nice little stint as a introvert and wholeheartedly decided that it wasn't for me, since my family thought there was something seriously wrong with me during that period of my life.
My best friend who put up with me, was there for me, who supported me and didn't judge me during the lowest period of my life. I love her.
My friends who noticed that something was wrong but decided not to pry into my personal problems and were just there for me physically. I love them.
My spirituality. Despite suffering some seriously fatal blows, massive overhauls, and extreme changes - trusted me to know what I was doing. I went my own way and through that rocky mountain climb reached the top.
My creativity that kept working through it all and even though most of the stuff written during my down-time won't ever see the light of day again - it was good to know that the creative part of my brain is as stubborn as my optimism-cockroach.
The clues were right there the whole time and it took me this long to notice them. I am in no way fully okay yet, but I'm close enough to smell it. Finding myself and being happy with my little spot on the earth has definitely improved me. This might be a slightly geeky way to describe it, but I'm levelling up and it's an amazing feeling.
I don't expect anyone to actually read this, it's mostly a little introspection that I felt needed to be documented somewhere so that in the future I can go back and look at where I was.
This entry was originally posted at http://nukichan.dreamwidth.org/810.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
I could spend time on all the unhappy events that some of you may or may not know about but, I'm not going to. It hit me this past Friday at work when T called me 'smiley' that my smile wasn't forced anymore. After that, during some self-reflection, I found that I was genuinely happy with my spot in the universe. It came to me as a complete shock. My life had healed itself without me and I had no clue how that had happened. So then I sat down and found the clues.
My optimism is like a persistent cockroach - no matter how hard things tried to kill it they just couldn't succeed.
I am a extrovert but had a nice little stint as a introvert and wholeheartedly decided that it wasn't for me, since my family thought there was something seriously wrong with me during that period of my life.
My best friend who put up with me, was there for me, who supported me and didn't judge me during the lowest period of my life. I love her.
My friends who noticed that something was wrong but decided not to pry into my personal problems and were just there for me physically. I love them.
My spirituality. Despite suffering some seriously fatal blows, massive overhauls, and extreme changes - trusted me to know what I was doing. I went my own way and through that rocky mountain climb reached the top.
My creativity that kept working through it all and even though most of the stuff written during my down-time won't ever see the light of day again - it was good to know that the creative part of my brain is as stubborn as my optimism-cockroach.
The clues were right there the whole time and it took me this long to notice them. I am in no way fully okay yet, but I'm close enough to smell it. Finding myself and being happy with my little spot on the earth has definitely improved me. This might be a slightly geeky way to describe it, but I'm levelling up and it's an amazing feeling.
I don't expect anyone to actually read this, it's mostly a little introspection that I felt needed to be documented somewhere so that in the future I can go back and look at where I was.
This entry was originally posted at http://nukichan.dreamwidth.org/810.html. Please comment there using OpenID.