Quite the conundrum...
Alright. Functional, coherent. Stuff to get off chest before getting down to work for the next few weeks. I sat this morning and made a little brainstorm of all the things I need to do, think about and sort out from now until the end of term, with a note saying "LJ UPDATE TONIGHT - GET ALL THIS OFF YOUR CHEST". So I suppose I should, having promised past-Will that such things would come to pass.
Time management. Something that I'm notoriously bad at. At the moment divided up between work, going out too much, seeing Lizzi and general slobbery. The work isn't really getting much of a look-in. I spend at least 3 evenings per week at Lizzi's when no work gets done, maybe another evening or two going out or doing things, and the remainder of the time is spent either slobbing or sitting in front of a textbook trying to motivate myself to learn. It's not really happening. Weekends I spent almost entirely in bed. I've contemplated blocking my webcomics, my slashdot, my dubious forums. I think I may have to. Games must go too. Something has to be done. I've managed precious little in terms of work this year and it's going to trip me up come exam-time if I'm not careful. It's not too late to start this year's work, and the other years will follow suit if I can just kick myself into gear. We've managed to get our group session tomorrow cancelled, so I shall spend tomorrow trying to plan what I need to know; the basic biochemistry, immunology, anatomy, that sort of thing...the sort of things I've really missed out on learning. I think it's do-able. Just have to get motivated. Ah yes, and actually start waking up in time for lectures. Missed far too many days just through oversleeping.
Secondly, money. The car drinks petrol, so I'm desperately trying not to use it too much (used £30 of petrol last week, which was a bit of a bugger); then going out uses up at least £20 per night, more if I'm driving. A weekly shop of about £20, give or take a few...it all adds up to just a few pounds more than I should be spending each and every month...which in turn means a further drain on the bank account. Couple that to the fact that my housemates are not so good at getting their shares of the bills paid in time and the potential expenditure of the Europe trip (although I'm hoping that won't get too expensive, and my folks have promised me a bit of money for that)...my finances could really do with a bit more watching, especially as I've just bought an air-rifle and rather want a scope for it...might have to rely on some £10 4x20 jobby for the time being. It'll have to do. Ah yes, and the occasional exercise I end up doing isn't free either. Swimming's only £1.50 a pop, but it adds up if you do it enough.
Both time and money lead inevitably to girls. Things with Lizzi progress well. I've finally lost the precious status of virgin, and with it the dreams of a sexual nirvana, a spiritual haven with which to escape the unpleasantries of this world, have all shattered. It's actually not all that good. Although Lizzi definitely seems to enjoy it, it leaves me, bluntly, unsatisfied and far, far too worried about the risks involved to really enjoy what I'm doing. As well as even more desperately insecure about size. Not performance though. This relationship has at least proven to me that I know what I'm doing, and my endurance seems to satisfy, certainly. Spending time with her is fun, but at the same time we've been spending rather a lot of time together in recent weeks. Too much, really. Enough for her to start getting overly attached, and for me to start becoming dependent on it as well. My detachment is not as strong as I would have liked, and I've even started to contemplate the possibility of extending things beyond the few weeks we'd initially planned. Rationally I think it's a terrible idea, and there's not a hope in Hades that it would work, but I wonder to myself if I'm jut throwing a good thing away. She's very devoted, caring and, really, extremely good girlfriend material. But I don't love her, I'm not even falling for her. I like her a lot, but I can't think of her as anymore than a friend with whom I occasionally perform furtive and sticky activities. It won't last, it can't last and I think she understands that...but it upsets her, and quite a lot at that. Letting her down gently will be the key, and I rather hope that her sojourn to the land of Oz will help force that separationg whilst making sure she has fun without me...hopefully she won't feel the loss so keenly. I can't commit to a relationship at this point in my life, I really can't. And long distance doesn't work, I've conclusively proven that with my previous relationships. The ultimate disappointment of sex really doesn't help - it kind of brings the whole idea that I've been missing out on something tumbling down. I'm sure, with practice and the right partner, someone you're crazy about and who's equally crazy about you, it would become better. But only time will tell. As it stands, everything else in the bedroom department is fine and dandy and really rather fun. But the Deed Itself...well, it leaves me cold. She doesn't know that. I can't help but think that it would be bad for the girl's self-esteem.
With Lizzi comes food. Spending time with her inevitably results in eating with her, and with that comes an end to the even moderately healthy stuff I tend to cook. She is the master of student cookery, queen of the toastie, the fajita, the takeaway. My waistline has taken a turn for the worse since we started seeing one another, not something I like. Coupled with the lack of exercise now dancing's finished for the summer, and my self esteem could be better. Being in a relationship means that this doesn't really matter, but when that ends I will feel it, and hard. In a way, I'm almost looking forward to her leaving, horrible though that sounds. It's been a fantastic term and I've really enjoyed our time together, but I'm definitely ready to move on and perhaps not get involved with anyone for a while. For the first time in a very long time, I can honestly say that relationships and sex do not dominate my thoughts. That's a good feeling. It leaves time for other things, work-related things, friend-related things, family-related things. So once she leaves I can begin to eat slightly more healthily, exercise a little more, do a little more work. Feeling full (and full of rubbish) all the time means I feel sluggish and listless, disinclined to work and tempted by takeaways and general crap eating, a habit hard to break.
So yes, whilst things are not exactly bad, they need a little tinkering. But having worked out what does need sorting out, I feel much better equipped to deal with them. Tonight I shall go shopping, in preparation for the visiting of my brother over the weekend, and then for a swim to relax myself and prepare for a nice, early night followed by a nice, productive day. That's the idea, anyway. Here's hoping...
Oh, and I've had all my long, Kurt Cobain-style metal-head rebellious-boy hair cut off. I now have short hair and a bastardisation of a quiff. It's odd, seeing your ears for the first time in a year. I can't quite get used to it. But I think it suits me. Everyone else agrees, and ye gods it's so much cooler! Other than that, everything continues as normal. Keep on rocking.
Over and out.
Signing off.
Time management. Something that I'm notoriously bad at. At the moment divided up between work, going out too much, seeing Lizzi and general slobbery. The work isn't really getting much of a look-in. I spend at least 3 evenings per week at Lizzi's when no work gets done, maybe another evening or two going out or doing things, and the remainder of the time is spent either slobbing or sitting in front of a textbook trying to motivate myself to learn. It's not really happening. Weekends I spent almost entirely in bed. I've contemplated blocking my webcomics, my slashdot, my dubious forums. I think I may have to. Games must go too. Something has to be done. I've managed precious little in terms of work this year and it's going to trip me up come exam-time if I'm not careful. It's not too late to start this year's work, and the other years will follow suit if I can just kick myself into gear. We've managed to get our group session tomorrow cancelled, so I shall spend tomorrow trying to plan what I need to know; the basic biochemistry, immunology, anatomy, that sort of thing...the sort of things I've really missed out on learning. I think it's do-able. Just have to get motivated. Ah yes, and actually start waking up in time for lectures. Missed far too many days just through oversleeping.
Secondly, money. The car drinks petrol, so I'm desperately trying not to use it too much (used £30 of petrol last week, which was a bit of a bugger); then going out uses up at least £20 per night, more if I'm driving. A weekly shop of about £20, give or take a few...it all adds up to just a few pounds more than I should be spending each and every month...which in turn means a further drain on the bank account. Couple that to the fact that my housemates are not so good at getting their shares of the bills paid in time and the potential expenditure of the Europe trip (although I'm hoping that won't get too expensive, and my folks have promised me a bit of money for that)...my finances could really do with a bit more watching, especially as I've just bought an air-rifle and rather want a scope for it...might have to rely on some £10 4x20 jobby for the time being. It'll have to do. Ah yes, and the occasional exercise I end up doing isn't free either. Swimming's only £1.50 a pop, but it adds up if you do it enough.
Both time and money lead inevitably to girls. Things with Lizzi progress well. I've finally lost the precious status of virgin, and with it the dreams of a sexual nirvana, a spiritual haven with which to escape the unpleasantries of this world, have all shattered. It's actually not all that good. Although Lizzi definitely seems to enjoy it, it leaves me, bluntly, unsatisfied and far, far too worried about the risks involved to really enjoy what I'm doing. As well as even more desperately insecure about size. Not performance though. This relationship has at least proven to me that I know what I'm doing, and my endurance seems to satisfy, certainly. Spending time with her is fun, but at the same time we've been spending rather a lot of time together in recent weeks. Too much, really. Enough for her to start getting overly attached, and for me to start becoming dependent on it as well. My detachment is not as strong as I would have liked, and I've even started to contemplate the possibility of extending things beyond the few weeks we'd initially planned. Rationally I think it's a terrible idea, and there's not a hope in Hades that it would work, but I wonder to myself if I'm jut throwing a good thing away. She's very devoted, caring and, really, extremely good girlfriend material. But I don't love her, I'm not even falling for her. I like her a lot, but I can't think of her as anymore than a friend with whom I occasionally perform furtive and sticky activities. It won't last, it can't last and I think she understands that...but it upsets her, and quite a lot at that. Letting her down gently will be the key, and I rather hope that her sojourn to the land of Oz will help force that separationg whilst making sure she has fun without me...hopefully she won't feel the loss so keenly. I can't commit to a relationship at this point in my life, I really can't. And long distance doesn't work, I've conclusively proven that with my previous relationships. The ultimate disappointment of sex really doesn't help - it kind of brings the whole idea that I've been missing out on something tumbling down. I'm sure, with practice and the right partner, someone you're crazy about and who's equally crazy about you, it would become better. But only time will tell. As it stands, everything else in the bedroom department is fine and dandy and really rather fun. But the Deed Itself...well, it leaves me cold. She doesn't know that. I can't help but think that it would be bad for the girl's self-esteem.
With Lizzi comes food. Spending time with her inevitably results in eating with her, and with that comes an end to the even moderately healthy stuff I tend to cook. She is the master of student cookery, queen of the toastie, the fajita, the takeaway. My waistline has taken a turn for the worse since we started seeing one another, not something I like. Coupled with the lack of exercise now dancing's finished for the summer, and my self esteem could be better. Being in a relationship means that this doesn't really matter, but when that ends I will feel it, and hard. In a way, I'm almost looking forward to her leaving, horrible though that sounds. It's been a fantastic term and I've really enjoyed our time together, but I'm definitely ready to move on and perhaps not get involved with anyone for a while. For the first time in a very long time, I can honestly say that relationships and sex do not dominate my thoughts. That's a good feeling. It leaves time for other things, work-related things, friend-related things, family-related things. So once she leaves I can begin to eat slightly more healthily, exercise a little more, do a little more work. Feeling full (and full of rubbish) all the time means I feel sluggish and listless, disinclined to work and tempted by takeaways and general crap eating, a habit hard to break.
So yes, whilst things are not exactly bad, they need a little tinkering. But having worked out what does need sorting out, I feel much better equipped to deal with them. Tonight I shall go shopping, in preparation for the visiting of my brother over the weekend, and then for a swim to relax myself and prepare for a nice, early night followed by a nice, productive day. That's the idea, anyway. Here's hoping...
Oh, and I've had all my long, Kurt Cobain-style metal-head rebellious-boy hair cut off. I now have short hair and a bastardisation of a quiff. It's odd, seeing your ears for the first time in a year. I can't quite get used to it. But I think it suits me. Everyone else agrees, and ye gods it's so much cooler! Other than that, everything continues as normal. Keep on rocking.
Over and out.
Signing off.