nuguseyo2013 for qiguai
Title: The Lesser Alternative
Recipient: qiguai
Group & Pairing: changsub/minhyuk (btob)
Rating: pg-13
Summary: Minhyuk attends BtoB’s sixth annual post-disbandment reunion dinner.
Author’s note: Thank you beta M, ilu5ever for putting up with this writer ;;
Minhyuk opens the door to the hole-in-the-wall restaurant only to be met with six men yelling at him simultaneously.
“Hyung!” Sungjae slurs, beer bottle clutched against his chest. Donggeun pries it gently out of his hand.
“You made it,” Eunkwang says as Minhyuk slides into the seat next to him. “Hyunsikkie was betting you won’t turn up again.”
“I happened to be in town.” Minhyuk shrugs, the sharp rise and fall of his shoulders awkward even to himself. It’s been so long since he’s seen them, and he has forgotten how to slide back to the easy camaraderie they used to share. Looking around, it seems like he isn’t the only one. Minhyuk catches Hyunsik coughing before he goes back to his conversation with Ilhoon across the table. Ilhoon merely blinks at him, as though he can’t believe Minhyuk made it. Meanwhile, Eunkwang doesn’t seem to notice the abrupt shift in atmosphere, and slings an arm around Minhyuk exactly like he used to. Thank God.
“You guys,” Eunkwang calls to the other ex-members of BtoB. “Slow down. You’re gonna get alcohol poisoning.” Changsub takes a swig in defiance. Eunkwang calls out to them again, and then sighs as Sungjae starts tussling with Donggeun for his beer bottle. “Jesus Christ,” Ilhoon says, rolling his eyes, as Sungjae all but falls into his lap to get to Donggeun.
Eunkwang takes a sip of his own beer in defeat.
“Hyung.” Changsub is laughing, his mouth wide and face glowing. Minhyuk takes a deep breath and looks away, opting to thump not-so-gently on Eunkwang’s back.
The thumping makes Eunkwang lurch forward, and he chokes on his drink. Changsub, sitting across from him, laughs again. Minhyuk waits for the moment that Changsub would catch his eye, share the joke, or something, but it doesn’t happen. Minhyuk buries his nose into the front of his sweater and bites his lip.
Six years ago, he was in love with Changsub.
--
Six years ago, while touring Europe, their managers decided to switch things up and assigned room arrangements by age. Eunkwang, being the leader and bastard that he is, claimed the only single room, so Minhyuk was stuck with Changsub. While Changsub was pretty harmless in general, Minhyuk had been hoping to room with Sungjae instead. They had gotten a routine going, where Sungjae would wake Minhyuk up in the middle of the night to fuck before they fell back asleep. It helped with the jetlag. And besides, Minhyuk didn’t exactly talk to Changsub outside of work. He was the sort of friend who was more of an acquaintance. Minhyuk was pretty sure that nine out of ten times, he didn’t know where Changsub disappeared off to on their off-days.
That night, Minhyuk lay awake in bed for hours, tossing and turning fitfully, and eventually he started thinking of ways to sneak past both Changsub and Donggeun to grab Sungjae.
When he’d finally made up his mind to get out of his bed, Changsub grumbled from the next bed, “If you’d stop moving around for five seconds, you’d have been asleep two hours ago.”
Minhyuk froze in his tracks. “Right,” he replied, sliding back into his duvet. “Sorry for waking you.”
Changsub rolled onto his back, and as Minhyuk watched, his blond hair caught the early morning light. “I’ve read about it; all you have to do is to stay still and try not to move your eyeballs too much.”
That made Minhyuk laugh, a loud staccato of sound in the darkness. “Is that even possible? I’m just jetlagged.”
“Jetlagged or not, we have practice and a three-hour performance tomorrow, hyung.”
“I know.” Minhyuk was getting slightly annoyed. He knew they had a performance. That was the whole reason they were here, in Paris, several hours away from home, lying wide awake at 4AM.
Then Changsub said, softly, “I have to perform too, so please think of me, as well.”
“Sorry.” Minhyuk slid down the headboard, fingers wrapping around the edges of the bedsheet. He clenched and unclenched his fists, feeling the fabric crumple, and when he realised that no answer was forthcoming, added, “I’ll go to sleep now.”
“Thanks.” And then Minhyuk was left with just silence.
--
“Looks like it’s you and me again,” Changsub said two days later, banging his way into Minhyuk’s hotel room with his multiple bags.
“Hey,” Minhyuk greeted, his gaze not leaving his iPad.
--
“Can’t sleep again?”
Minhyuk stopped shuffling in his blankets belatedly. “Sorry,” he muttered.
“It’s okay, I can’t either.”
Minhyuk blindly turned to Changsub’s direction in the dark. “Didn’t you sleep well the last time we roomed together?”
“I thought I did.” Changsub sounded exasperated at himself.
“Well,” Minhyuk said. “Don’t move your eyeballs.”
Changsub took a second to process that, and then burst out laughing.
“Your jet lag is so weird, Changsub-ah,” Minhyuk said after the laughter died down. Changsub just hummed, and Minhyuk, looking for a reaction, said, “Like the rest of you.”
“Oh, I’m weird?”
“I can’t be the weirder out of two of us,” Minhyuk said, staring right above into the darkness.
“Sure about that? You had some pretty strange moments in Paris. I'm going to send MTV the footage tomorrow.”
“I’m going to sleep now, and when I wake up, it’ll be before you do, and I’m going to delete everything off your camera, Lee Changsub.” Minhyuk flopped on his side and shut his eyes, a determined frown on his face, even though Changsub had no way of seeing it.
A low laugh. “Goodnight, hyung.”
--
Some time between 2AM and 6AM, Minhyuk awoke to the feeling of someone sliding the duvet over his shoulders. It was only under the covers that Minhyuk realised that he had been shivering.
He wanted to say, “Thank you,” but his eyes shut of their own accord, and come morning, Minhyuk woke up to see Changsub with his back turned as he shrugged on his sweater.
“Good morning,” Minhyuk said distractedly. Changsub half-turned to greet him, torso still bare, and Minhyuk shut his eyes and padded to the bathroom.
He hadn’t thought about Sungjae at all last night.
--
It had probably been on purpose, the way Minhyuk chose to actively not think about Changsub. There were so many things already on his mind.
After the first five months, it got easier. Then nine months after first sharing a hotel room with Changsub, Minhyuk found it absolutely excruciating. On shows, instead of laughing at the punchlines, he turned to Changsub automatically to look for his snort of amusement, or his blank face, whichever mood Changsub was in at those points of time. And when Changsub smiled at those jokes, Minhyuk felt the edges of his mouth pull upwards, too.
People noticed. Eunkwang came up to him once after practice, when everyone else had gone home. Changsub remained in the corner, still going over the last of the choreography for the day.
"I thought his work ethic would have..." Eunkwang said from behind Minhyuk, making him jump. Minhyuk didn't even know how Eunkwang could have snuck up on him. "Diminished by now."
"He's very hardworking," Minhyuk agreed.
Eunkwang hummed noncommittally, and then said, "Is there anything you need to tell me, though?"
"No?" Minhyuk scratched his head, eyes still focused on Changsub.
"About Changsub?" Eunkwang clarified.
Minhyuk closed his eyes very slowly, and made sure his voice was even when he said, "Nothing at all."
"Be careful," Eunkwang said reproachfully, clapping Minhyuk on the shoulder before he turned to leave.
"I know,” Minhyuk muttered to the empty hallway.
So nothing ever happened between Minhyuk and Changsub. End of story.
--
Then there was the contract.
Minhyuk could come up with a million excuses and even then none of them would have justified his reasoning. He supposed he had been terrified for his career. BtoB's popularity had dwindled after their only moderately successful fifth single, and the restlessness was palpable in the practice room, in the dormitory, squeezing tight around Minhyuk’s lungs.
So when he received the letter, he called his mother, and then his manager.
One week later, Cube Entertainment released a public statement about Minhyuk’s departure from idol group Born To Beat.
--
"Someone's eager to leave," Ilhoon drawled at dinner the day after the public announcement.
Abruptly, the clinking of chopsticks against rice bowls stopped. Minhyuk put his own bowl down, took a deep breath, and finally gathered the courage to look his band members in the eyes.
Changsub looked vaguely affronted. Sungjae was chewing his lip and staring at his hands on the table.
"I--" Minhyuk started.
“It’s okay, we--we understand,” Donggeun said, with a frown on his face that gave Minhyuk the impression that, no, he didn’t.
And as though time had stopped and started again, the clinking of chopsticks resumed, filling in the void that had been there seconds ago, as if it had never existed.
Minhyuk made sure to finish his meal without looking up from the tabletop.
--
When Minhyuk moved out of the dormitory, no one saw him off.
So it came as a huge surprise when Eunkwang picked up his phone call on the fifth ring days later. “I know what you’re trying to do, but I don’t want to. Do you get what I’m trying to say?” Eunkwang said, and even through the telephone he sounded exhausted.
Minhyuk said, “I’m sorry,” with as much sincerity as he could muster, but Eunkwang only sighed and bid him goodbye.
--
It took a long time for his ex-band members to start talking to him outside of public appearances, but Minhyuk still felt like the invitations for the annual reunion dinners sounded like they were meant for him to turn down.
And besides, Changsub hadn’t contacted him, and Minhyuk hadn’t been able to get a hold of him, not since the day he left their dorm for good.
--
From where Minhyuk's seated, he can see Eunkwang push an extremely giggly Hyunsik into a cab. Eunkwang raises his head then, his eyes darting to Changsub and then to meet Minhyuk’s gaze. A small smile spreads across his face, as if in understanding. Minhyuk ducks his head down in embarrassment. When he raises his head again, Eunkwang is waving to the both of them, one leg into the car already. Changsub does a two-finger salute, and then Eunkwang is gone, the cab moving out of Minhyuk's sight.
"Hyung." Minhyuk jumps at Changsub's voice. It's been six years since he's heard Changsub call him that. "Do you have work tomorrow?"
"No," Minhyuk says. "I'm staying in Seoul for a bit."
Changsub nods, thumbs rubbing the sides of his cup slowly. Minhyuk can see the whites of Changsub's knuckles.
"I'm sorry," he breathes out, and his admission is a soft stutter against the 10PM restaurant din.
"It's okay, I understand." Changsub shrugs, and Minhyuk would have thought it good-natured if not for the fact that Changsub has yet to meet his eyes since Eunkwang left the restaurant. Minhyuk wishes Eunkwang were still here.
"What do you understand, exactly?" Minhyuk says quickly.
"That if you stayed we still would have ended up nowhere. You--you made the right choice. That's all I have to say." Changsub swirls his coffee, his face reflecting the orange glow of the restaurant.
"I," Minhyuk starts, and then closes his mouth again.
"Well," Changsub says, standing up. "I have work tomorrow, so I should get going."
Minhyuk stares at the black polish of the table, and says, very clearly, "I was selfish. I regretted it the moment I signed my name."
Changsub pauses in the middle of slipping on his coat. "I know."
"I'm sorry."
"I know."
"You seem to know a lot of things," Minhyuk says weakly.
Changsub is standing in his coat and carrying his bag. The dim lighting throws the wrinkles on his face into stark relief. "I did a lot of thinking," he replies, and he smiles at Minhyuk, crescent eyes and soft mouth. "And I realised that I had to accept it. Because it already happened."
"I see," Minhyuk says, blinking hard as he trains his gaze on the tabletop.
The December wind is harsh against Minhyuk's face as he steps out of the restaurant. The night sky is dark above him, and he breathes out a long heavy sigh, the white condensation whipping past him and dissolving into nothingness. A few feet away, Changsub finally manages to hail a cab. Minhyuk watches as he takes a step inside, fingers clasped together in his coat from the cold.
"See you around, hyung," Changsub calls, without irony, and Minhyuk jumps. He only manages a small wave before the cab door shuts behind Changsub, but Minhyuk hopes that Changsub had seen his smile, a small, tentative one.
Recipient: qiguai
Group & Pairing: changsub/minhyuk (btob)
Rating: pg-13
Summary: Minhyuk attends BtoB’s sixth annual post-disbandment reunion dinner.
Author’s note: Thank you beta M, ilu5ever for putting up with this writer ;;
Minhyuk opens the door to the hole-in-the-wall restaurant only to be met with six men yelling at him simultaneously.
“Hyung!” Sungjae slurs, beer bottle clutched against his chest. Donggeun pries it gently out of his hand.
“You made it,” Eunkwang says as Minhyuk slides into the seat next to him. “Hyunsikkie was betting you won’t turn up again.”
“I happened to be in town.” Minhyuk shrugs, the sharp rise and fall of his shoulders awkward even to himself. It’s been so long since he’s seen them, and he has forgotten how to slide back to the easy camaraderie they used to share. Looking around, it seems like he isn’t the only one. Minhyuk catches Hyunsik coughing before he goes back to his conversation with Ilhoon across the table. Ilhoon merely blinks at him, as though he can’t believe Minhyuk made it. Meanwhile, Eunkwang doesn’t seem to notice the abrupt shift in atmosphere, and slings an arm around Minhyuk exactly like he used to. Thank God.
“You guys,” Eunkwang calls to the other ex-members of BtoB. “Slow down. You’re gonna get alcohol poisoning.” Changsub takes a swig in defiance. Eunkwang calls out to them again, and then sighs as Sungjae starts tussling with Donggeun for his beer bottle. “Jesus Christ,” Ilhoon says, rolling his eyes, as Sungjae all but falls into his lap to get to Donggeun.
Eunkwang takes a sip of his own beer in defeat.
“Hyung.” Changsub is laughing, his mouth wide and face glowing. Minhyuk takes a deep breath and looks away, opting to thump not-so-gently on Eunkwang’s back.
The thumping makes Eunkwang lurch forward, and he chokes on his drink. Changsub, sitting across from him, laughs again. Minhyuk waits for the moment that Changsub would catch his eye, share the joke, or something, but it doesn’t happen. Minhyuk buries his nose into the front of his sweater and bites his lip.
Six years ago, he was in love with Changsub.
--
Six years ago, while touring Europe, their managers decided to switch things up and assigned room arrangements by age. Eunkwang, being the leader and bastard that he is, claimed the only single room, so Minhyuk was stuck with Changsub. While Changsub was pretty harmless in general, Minhyuk had been hoping to room with Sungjae instead. They had gotten a routine going, where Sungjae would wake Minhyuk up in the middle of the night to fuck before they fell back asleep. It helped with the jetlag. And besides, Minhyuk didn’t exactly talk to Changsub outside of work. He was the sort of friend who was more of an acquaintance. Minhyuk was pretty sure that nine out of ten times, he didn’t know where Changsub disappeared off to on their off-days.
That night, Minhyuk lay awake in bed for hours, tossing and turning fitfully, and eventually he started thinking of ways to sneak past both Changsub and Donggeun to grab Sungjae.
When he’d finally made up his mind to get out of his bed, Changsub grumbled from the next bed, “If you’d stop moving around for five seconds, you’d have been asleep two hours ago.”
Minhyuk froze in his tracks. “Right,” he replied, sliding back into his duvet. “Sorry for waking you.”
Changsub rolled onto his back, and as Minhyuk watched, his blond hair caught the early morning light. “I’ve read about it; all you have to do is to stay still and try not to move your eyeballs too much.”
That made Minhyuk laugh, a loud staccato of sound in the darkness. “Is that even possible? I’m just jetlagged.”
“Jetlagged or not, we have practice and a three-hour performance tomorrow, hyung.”
“I know.” Minhyuk was getting slightly annoyed. He knew they had a performance. That was the whole reason they were here, in Paris, several hours away from home, lying wide awake at 4AM.
Then Changsub said, softly, “I have to perform too, so please think of me, as well.”
“Sorry.” Minhyuk slid down the headboard, fingers wrapping around the edges of the bedsheet. He clenched and unclenched his fists, feeling the fabric crumple, and when he realised that no answer was forthcoming, added, “I’ll go to sleep now.”
“Thanks.” And then Minhyuk was left with just silence.
--
“Looks like it’s you and me again,” Changsub said two days later, banging his way into Minhyuk’s hotel room with his multiple bags.
“Hey,” Minhyuk greeted, his gaze not leaving his iPad.
--
“Can’t sleep again?”
Minhyuk stopped shuffling in his blankets belatedly. “Sorry,” he muttered.
“It’s okay, I can’t either.”
Minhyuk blindly turned to Changsub’s direction in the dark. “Didn’t you sleep well the last time we roomed together?”
“I thought I did.” Changsub sounded exasperated at himself.
“Well,” Minhyuk said. “Don’t move your eyeballs.”
Changsub took a second to process that, and then burst out laughing.
“Your jet lag is so weird, Changsub-ah,” Minhyuk said after the laughter died down. Changsub just hummed, and Minhyuk, looking for a reaction, said, “Like the rest of you.”
“Oh, I’m weird?”
“I can’t be the weirder out of two of us,” Minhyuk said, staring right above into the darkness.
“Sure about that? You had some pretty strange moments in Paris. I'm going to send MTV the footage tomorrow.”
“I’m going to sleep now, and when I wake up, it’ll be before you do, and I’m going to delete everything off your camera, Lee Changsub.” Minhyuk flopped on his side and shut his eyes, a determined frown on his face, even though Changsub had no way of seeing it.
A low laugh. “Goodnight, hyung.”
--
Some time between 2AM and 6AM, Minhyuk awoke to the feeling of someone sliding the duvet over his shoulders. It was only under the covers that Minhyuk realised that he had been shivering.
He wanted to say, “Thank you,” but his eyes shut of their own accord, and come morning, Minhyuk woke up to see Changsub with his back turned as he shrugged on his sweater.
“Good morning,” Minhyuk said distractedly. Changsub half-turned to greet him, torso still bare, and Minhyuk shut his eyes and padded to the bathroom.
He hadn’t thought about Sungjae at all last night.
--
It had probably been on purpose, the way Minhyuk chose to actively not think about Changsub. There were so many things already on his mind.
After the first five months, it got easier. Then nine months after first sharing a hotel room with Changsub, Minhyuk found it absolutely excruciating. On shows, instead of laughing at the punchlines, he turned to Changsub automatically to look for his snort of amusement, or his blank face, whichever mood Changsub was in at those points of time. And when Changsub smiled at those jokes, Minhyuk felt the edges of his mouth pull upwards, too.
People noticed. Eunkwang came up to him once after practice, when everyone else had gone home. Changsub remained in the corner, still going over the last of the choreography for the day.
"I thought his work ethic would have..." Eunkwang said from behind Minhyuk, making him jump. Minhyuk didn't even know how Eunkwang could have snuck up on him. "Diminished by now."
"He's very hardworking," Minhyuk agreed.
Eunkwang hummed noncommittally, and then said, "Is there anything you need to tell me, though?"
"No?" Minhyuk scratched his head, eyes still focused on Changsub.
"About Changsub?" Eunkwang clarified.
Minhyuk closed his eyes very slowly, and made sure his voice was even when he said, "Nothing at all."
"Be careful," Eunkwang said reproachfully, clapping Minhyuk on the shoulder before he turned to leave.
"I know,” Minhyuk muttered to the empty hallway.
So nothing ever happened between Minhyuk and Changsub. End of story.
--
Then there was the contract.
Minhyuk could come up with a million excuses and even then none of them would have justified his reasoning. He supposed he had been terrified for his career. BtoB's popularity had dwindled after their only moderately successful fifth single, and the restlessness was palpable in the practice room, in the dormitory, squeezing tight around Minhyuk’s lungs.
So when he received the letter, he called his mother, and then his manager.
One week later, Cube Entertainment released a public statement about Minhyuk’s departure from idol group Born To Beat.
--
"Someone's eager to leave," Ilhoon drawled at dinner the day after the public announcement.
Abruptly, the clinking of chopsticks against rice bowls stopped. Minhyuk put his own bowl down, took a deep breath, and finally gathered the courage to look his band members in the eyes.
Changsub looked vaguely affronted. Sungjae was chewing his lip and staring at his hands on the table.
"I--" Minhyuk started.
“It’s okay, we--we understand,” Donggeun said, with a frown on his face that gave Minhyuk the impression that, no, he didn’t.
And as though time had stopped and started again, the clinking of chopsticks resumed, filling in the void that had been there seconds ago, as if it had never existed.
Minhyuk made sure to finish his meal without looking up from the tabletop.
--
When Minhyuk moved out of the dormitory, no one saw him off.
So it came as a huge surprise when Eunkwang picked up his phone call on the fifth ring days later. “I know what you’re trying to do, but I don’t want to. Do you get what I’m trying to say?” Eunkwang said, and even through the telephone he sounded exhausted.
Minhyuk said, “I’m sorry,” with as much sincerity as he could muster, but Eunkwang only sighed and bid him goodbye.
--
It took a long time for his ex-band members to start talking to him outside of public appearances, but Minhyuk still felt like the invitations for the annual reunion dinners sounded like they were meant for him to turn down.
And besides, Changsub hadn’t contacted him, and Minhyuk hadn’t been able to get a hold of him, not since the day he left their dorm for good.
--
From where Minhyuk's seated, he can see Eunkwang push an extremely giggly Hyunsik into a cab. Eunkwang raises his head then, his eyes darting to Changsub and then to meet Minhyuk’s gaze. A small smile spreads across his face, as if in understanding. Minhyuk ducks his head down in embarrassment. When he raises his head again, Eunkwang is waving to the both of them, one leg into the car already. Changsub does a two-finger salute, and then Eunkwang is gone, the cab moving out of Minhyuk's sight.
"Hyung." Minhyuk jumps at Changsub's voice. It's been six years since he's heard Changsub call him that. "Do you have work tomorrow?"
"No," Minhyuk says. "I'm staying in Seoul for a bit."
Changsub nods, thumbs rubbing the sides of his cup slowly. Minhyuk can see the whites of Changsub's knuckles.
"I'm sorry," he breathes out, and his admission is a soft stutter against the 10PM restaurant din.
"It's okay, I understand." Changsub shrugs, and Minhyuk would have thought it good-natured if not for the fact that Changsub has yet to meet his eyes since Eunkwang left the restaurant. Minhyuk wishes Eunkwang were still here.
"What do you understand, exactly?" Minhyuk says quickly.
"That if you stayed we still would have ended up nowhere. You--you made the right choice. That's all I have to say." Changsub swirls his coffee, his face reflecting the orange glow of the restaurant.
"I," Minhyuk starts, and then closes his mouth again.
"Well," Changsub says, standing up. "I have work tomorrow, so I should get going."
Minhyuk stares at the black polish of the table, and says, very clearly, "I was selfish. I regretted it the moment I signed my name."
Changsub pauses in the middle of slipping on his coat. "I know."
"I'm sorry."
"I know."
"You seem to know a lot of things," Minhyuk says weakly.
Changsub is standing in his coat and carrying his bag. The dim lighting throws the wrinkles on his face into stark relief. "I did a lot of thinking," he replies, and he smiles at Minhyuk, crescent eyes and soft mouth. "And I realised that I had to accept it. Because it already happened."
"I see," Minhyuk says, blinking hard as he trains his gaze on the tabletop.
The December wind is harsh against Minhyuk's face as he steps out of the restaurant. The night sky is dark above him, and he breathes out a long heavy sigh, the white condensation whipping past him and dissolving into nothingness. A few feet away, Changsub finally manages to hail a cab. Minhyuk watches as he takes a step inside, fingers clasped together in his coat from the cold.
"See you around, hyung," Changsub calls, without irony, and Minhyuk jumps. He only manages a small wave before the cab door shuts behind Changsub, but Minhyuk hopes that Changsub had seen his smile, a small, tentative one.