Storytime with Mr. Walsh

[nuerotica]

            He had to suppress his gag reflex upon entering the cramped therapist’s office.  Whoever had selected the colors for the room was either entirely color blind or took a sadistic pleasure from the nauseating effect it created.  Turquoises, maroons, and browns were all swirling together in a way that made John’s stomach churn. If he had

Comments

if you'd like...

[tuneslayer]

This is a really fine story, sir; if it comes off any other way, you can send John out to kneecap me as I deserve. Here's my flow of thoughts, in case they are more useful than intrusive. I hate to seem like a mighty critic; I know I can be patronizing when I try to help.

I love the premise. It is great that John is so all-powerful, yet he needs a mere soggy therapist to help him and he knows it. I love the power reversal that occurs with her revelation after his Tony confession (though John seems to snap a little strongly there between good and evil). It is a good interplay. You can do plot like I never will.

You have a knack for metaphors, and it is good you balance it with raw emotion and direct action.

You literally demonize the therapist at first, which showcases his skewed (but straightening) perceptions, but it might go a little far. It depends on the tone you want. There are points it edges from comedy to full-out farce (ex. "the audacity!") and back. Then the politics at the end are serious. (I know this isn't what you believe at all, but I still think the story would work as well with a more vague treatment of the whelp's unfitness to live. To make it more general, avoid sounding like you just want to be controversial, and not need a disclaimer.)

I like how he still uses a twisted manner of positive thinking at the end, even though he misses the self-control bit. And that his violence switches from aesthetic criticism to fundamental...altruism? Something like that. It fits perfectly that the end is the least descriptive and most active, too. He doesn't see clearly yet, but he isn't boggled by metaphors of (anti-)beauty.

Otherwise...the only grammar issue I see is "your A-game." And I might recommend breaking up John's first motive speech and the Tony bit with a sign of the therapist's awe or something since monologues rarely go uninterrupted.
You get awesome points for Fred Rogers and "campy" and "Hell, I almost like you."

It was really great to read something you wrote. Thanks for sharing.