Beastmaster wannabe
Since my time as a young lad in the fields and valleys of Tinley Park (most of which only exist in my mind), I have been fascinated with most animals. I would ecstaticly visit the Brookfield Zoo, keep a mental checklist of every animal I would spot on car rides and would zealously research animals. On many afternoons a young James would sit in his bedroom simulating the sea life of Noah and crew of assorted animals. Everything about animals held my attention and though I have lost some of my passion, I still am fascinated by animals.
Visiting three pet shops this week, has reminded me of my forgotten passion. The first shop was lacking, only boasting a giant rabbit as their feature creature. The management didn't seem to be on the ball. I'm assuming a group of "trippin'" hippies gave birth to this pet store while toakin' up in their friend Tweezy's basement. The psychedelics in action plus their existing drug addled brains brought them to the sound conclusion that they could run a pet shop, man. How hard could it be? The answer is definitely harder than these hippies could handle. Their animal selection was minimal at best and every fish tank was mislabeled. Even the crayfish. How can you mislabel crayfish? The grime encrusted tank advertised these crustaceans as some exotic sounding fish, which tipped the horde of crawdads that their aquatic prison was not run by the brightest of all the potato powered light bulbs. Prompted by this knowledge, the gutsy lads tried to escape with all their being. Their plan seemed to consist of storming the glass until it eventually broke, then taking one of us hostage until they reached the nearest natural body of water where they would dispose of that hostage(probably me) and flee to the bayous of the deep south. This didn't happen while I was present but one day, they shall be free!
Pet shop number 2 was similar to a Petsmart without being the size of a warehouse. The shop was large but I did not have to worry about being run down by one of their forklifts because they did not exist. What did exist within the walls of this "tienda de los animales" were a myriad of different dog breeds, cats, various rodents, birds, reptiles and fish...and a millipede. My visit was prompted by my friend Adam's desire to purchase a friend for his Chinese fighting fish, Paco. A group of us stormed the pet shop and loitered for about an hour, much to the displeasure of the staff, as Adam tried to pick the right "friend". Adam feels that Paco is a lazy fish that is failing its true purpose if isn't fighting to the death. Most of the little "friends" we looked at would have had the crap kicked out of them by Paco except for three options: Clem the giant Goldfish, Juan the baby Piranha and Oscar a fish 10 times the size of Paco. Clem reminded us of the bankers in the Washington Mutual commercials so he left the runnings pretty early on. Oscar would awkwardly stick out of the tank and/or eat Paco, so he was a no. Juan wasn't much better because he would most assuredly kill Paco, whether it be on the first day or a week when we grew larger. The Petsmart attendant made sure to point this out to Adam, which only elicted a devious grin from the boy. I think Paco may only have a few days of life left if Adam returns for Juan.
We were also mystified by the millipede, which I imagined devouring everything in sight. My friend Murdock would take it out of its tank and it would devour his hand. Just tear it off in one bite or engulf it with its body. We would never see Murdock's poor hand ever again but it would be worth it...until the millipede ate the world as a way of repaying us for liberating him......
Petshop #3 has just a fish store. At the center of the store was a massive fish tank with about 15 sharks in them. About 7 Blacktips, a nurse shark, a bottlehead and a few other random minisarks. In case I was having a really bad case of the stupids, a sign reminded me that I was not to put my hands in the tank. I thanked it for the reminder and stared at the sharks for a good five minutes.
All of this talk of animals had renewed my interest in the animal kingdom, causing me to want to research them like I once did. I used to be quite the quiz master. It also makes me want an animal minion/comrade even more. I have dog but he's not very clever or odd. He's just kinda lumpy. I will have to try to train him but if that falls through, I will have to get either a miniature pony or a crow minion. That's how it has to be.
On a side note, libraries should NOT be closed on Sundays. I need my books and I need them now! Otherwise they shall meet the wrath of Tiger or the bitchinest crow this county has ever seen.
Visiting three pet shops this week, has reminded me of my forgotten passion. The first shop was lacking, only boasting a giant rabbit as their feature creature. The management didn't seem to be on the ball. I'm assuming a group of "trippin'" hippies gave birth to this pet store while toakin' up in their friend Tweezy's basement. The psychedelics in action plus their existing drug addled brains brought them to the sound conclusion that they could run a pet shop, man. How hard could it be? The answer is definitely harder than these hippies could handle. Their animal selection was minimal at best and every fish tank was mislabeled. Even the crayfish. How can you mislabel crayfish? The grime encrusted tank advertised these crustaceans as some exotic sounding fish, which tipped the horde of crawdads that their aquatic prison was not run by the brightest of all the potato powered light bulbs. Prompted by this knowledge, the gutsy lads tried to escape with all their being. Their plan seemed to consist of storming the glass until it eventually broke, then taking one of us hostage until they reached the nearest natural body of water where they would dispose of that hostage(probably me) and flee to the bayous of the deep south. This didn't happen while I was present but one day, they shall be free!
Pet shop number 2 was similar to a Petsmart without being the size of a warehouse. The shop was large but I did not have to worry about being run down by one of their forklifts because they did not exist. What did exist within the walls of this "tienda de los animales" were a myriad of different dog breeds, cats, various rodents, birds, reptiles and fish...and a millipede. My visit was prompted by my friend Adam's desire to purchase a friend for his Chinese fighting fish, Paco. A group of us stormed the pet shop and loitered for about an hour, much to the displeasure of the staff, as Adam tried to pick the right "friend". Adam feels that Paco is a lazy fish that is failing its true purpose if isn't fighting to the death. Most of the little "friends" we looked at would have had the crap kicked out of them by Paco except for three options: Clem the giant Goldfish, Juan the baby Piranha and Oscar a fish 10 times the size of Paco. Clem reminded us of the bankers in the Washington Mutual commercials so he left the runnings pretty early on. Oscar would awkwardly stick out of the tank and/or eat Paco, so he was a no. Juan wasn't much better because he would most assuredly kill Paco, whether it be on the first day or a week when we grew larger. The Petsmart attendant made sure to point this out to Adam, which only elicted a devious grin from the boy. I think Paco may only have a few days of life left if Adam returns for Juan.
We were also mystified by the millipede, which I imagined devouring everything in sight. My friend Murdock would take it out of its tank and it would devour his hand. Just tear it off in one bite or engulf it with its body. We would never see Murdock's poor hand ever again but it would be worth it...until the millipede ate the world as a way of repaying us for liberating him......
Petshop #3 has just a fish store. At the center of the store was a massive fish tank with about 15 sharks in them. About 7 Blacktips, a nurse shark, a bottlehead and a few other random minisarks. In case I was having a really bad case of the stupids, a sign reminded me that I was not to put my hands in the tank. I thanked it for the reminder and stared at the sharks for a good five minutes.
All of this talk of animals had renewed my interest in the animal kingdom, causing me to want to research them like I once did. I used to be quite the quiz master. It also makes me want an animal minion/comrade even more. I have dog but he's not very clever or odd. He's just kinda lumpy. I will have to try to train him but if that falls through, I will have to get either a miniature pony or a crow minion. That's how it has to be.
On a side note, libraries should NOT be closed on Sundays. I need my books and I need them now! Otherwise they shall meet the wrath of Tiger or the bitchinest crow this county has ever seen.