Well I Didn't Think This Was Going to Happen Again...
So... after a six-month boycott of livejournal, I'm finally updating again. I've been screening my livejournal updates, because it seems that the only time I want to post is when I desire the world to know how angry I am. That began to seem immature to me, since if I'm angry at someone, I should just confront them if I feel the need and deal with it in person, as opposed to moaning in cyberspace. This entry has passed through the screening process because instead of being angry it is merely... contemplative.
Everyone who used to read this probably already knows everything that's happened in my life over the last six months, but on the off chance that some of you don't I'll do a quick rundown. Hmm... I just realized that my last livejournal entry was a complete and total lie. I don't actually like pomengranates. ANYWAYS. The summer remained generally fun throughout, disregarding all the various problems that happened at work. I got a VERY attractive girl's number for the first time (of course, I didn't actually ASK for it) and went out on my first "date" with a girl that I hadn't already been going out with. Of course, by the time we actually went out I realized she was about as far from my type as one could get, but I digress. Quickening it up, I went back to school, and quickly got back into the swing of things. Of course, my second to last livejournal entry proved to be another lie, since Annie and I were going out by the second week of school. As many people already know, that turned out to be a rather rocky period of my life, to say the least, which ended up with me fighting a losing battle for a relationship which had already failed. For a few weeks after that I felt... adrift, one might say. I have had the problem of anchoring myself to one person at school, and making them my rock. Of course, eventually I try to make out with said rock, which, if one continues the metaphor, turns out to be a REALLY BAD IDEA. Tangent number two. Things began to get better after a while, though. I became closer with other people, such as Carrie and Kristina, and probably most surprisingly my roommate, who (in another tangent, if you can stand it) is moving into the apartments next semester, which will most likely give me my fourth roommate in as many semesters. Back to the now not-so-quick rundown, the semester ended on a rather highnote with my trip downtown one morning with Carrie, Anh, and Kristina. I hadn't felt as content with life as I did that morning in a long time, so that's a memory I will definitely treasure. :) To wrap things up VERY quickly, the other major parts of the semester that come to mind were my Geography and Italian classes, the first for the amazing professor who I would MARRY if she were my age and available, and italian class for it's ability to make me happy no matter what the mood.
Of course, by this point in my entry I've almost forgotten why I began writing it in the first place, but I'll try to get it back on track. I've been contemplating a number of questions I have about myself lately, many of which really stem from a lingering doubt that emerged during my relationship with Annie. Ever since then, I've been wondering who I am, and what I want out of life. I must be honest and say I really don't know. I don't have any concrete long-term goals in my life, besides finding a girl, a job, and buying a house in the suburbs and having 2.3 kids, and that's not exactly a concrete goal. I don't have any aspirations for what I want to do with my life, and sometimes I'm even unsure as to who I want to be. It used to be so simple, either because I was just so certain or because I just never really thought about it. I used to think I knew exactly who I was, and now I find I'm not so sure. Perhaps the best example of this is that I used to pride myself on my inability to stay angry for very long, and now I simply find that I have a temper. I used to think that, if I really tried, I could accomplish anything, and that was put to the test in my relationship with Annie. I knew how difficult it would be to make that relationship work, but I truly wanted it to, and I believed that would be all that I needed. I believe I tried my hardest, and yet it turned out just to not be enough. I ended up losing Annie, but just as painfully, I lost some of that belief in myself. It's very frightening to go from thinking you have few real limits to realizing that failure can be very real and very tangible despite your best efforts. As a disclaimer, or any of you that MAY get confused, this is not a diatribe against Annie. It's not her fault that my flaws became evident during our relationship, anymore than she's to be blamed for the failure of the relationship.
Now, we move on to the requisite section on girls, and my theory on why I'm not having as much fun at Mary Washington as I hypothetically might. Girls are very important at school, simply because it seems they're the only ones I make friends with. Of course, this provides me with a predicament; I can't seem to get close to them without developing a romantic attachment. I have lost both of my best friends on campus because I decided to try to take it to the next level with them. At home, I don't have problems like this. The first reason is that I have a number of VERY close guy friends, who I can depend on routinely. They are my rocks, just as my my close friends at school were my rocks. Of course, there's never an issue of losing them, mostly because I'm not attracted to men. The second reason, of course, is because most of the women at home seem immune to my charms (Just to let you know, I rolled my eyes too, so it's ok.) So this yields yet another problem; I'm now wary of getting too close to anyone at school. Some people I know nothing will ever happen with on both sides, which makes me exceedingly comfortable with them. However, they don't seem to be every down sort of friends, my problem really isn't solved. As for others... I really just don't know. This may be why the new roommate will turn out to be a blessing in disguise, because I may then find a guy friend that will be able to provide me with a stronger base to work from. Another option may be leaving Mary Washington entirely, and going somewhere that might be more suitable for me. I know Jon's vote would be William and Mary, and to be perfectly honest, it is looking like a very real possibility. Until then... I can appreciate the whole Daoist philosophy (or at least my crude understanding of it) of letting the world flow around me. By letting people come to me when they want to hang out, it ensures that I'm going to be with people that truly want to be around me, and my newfound ability to accept solitude with indifference has made that much easier. Of course, such an indifferent and reactionary policy seems to run counter to my fuzzy impression of my ideal person, but since it seems to be minimizing any hardships I feel I think I will at least stick with it for the present.
That turned out to be a long-winded affair of which I tend to hate as a livejournal reader. Interesting how we make hippocrites of ourselves, isn't it? If you managed to finish reading this post, you should give yourself a hand, whether as a reward for your show of friendship or simply as a congratulations on your stamina as a reader. And since it's that time of year, everyone (regardless of your status as a friend or a reader) gets a Happy Holidays (we're a tolerant bunch here)
Goodnight!
Everyone who used to read this probably already knows everything that's happened in my life over the last six months, but on the off chance that some of you don't I'll do a quick rundown. Hmm... I just realized that my last livejournal entry was a complete and total lie. I don't actually like pomengranates. ANYWAYS. The summer remained generally fun throughout, disregarding all the various problems that happened at work. I got a VERY attractive girl's number for the first time (of course, I didn't actually ASK for it) and went out on my first "date" with a girl that I hadn't already been going out with. Of course, by the time we actually went out I realized she was about as far from my type as one could get, but I digress. Quickening it up, I went back to school, and quickly got back into the swing of things. Of course, my second to last livejournal entry proved to be another lie, since Annie and I were going out by the second week of school. As many people already know, that turned out to be a rather rocky period of my life, to say the least, which ended up with me fighting a losing battle for a relationship which had already failed. For a few weeks after that I felt... adrift, one might say. I have had the problem of anchoring myself to one person at school, and making them my rock. Of course, eventually I try to make out with said rock, which, if one continues the metaphor, turns out to be a REALLY BAD IDEA. Tangent number two. Things began to get better after a while, though. I became closer with other people, such as Carrie and Kristina, and probably most surprisingly my roommate, who (in another tangent, if you can stand it) is moving into the apartments next semester, which will most likely give me my fourth roommate in as many semesters. Back to the now not-so-quick rundown, the semester ended on a rather highnote with my trip downtown one morning with Carrie, Anh, and Kristina. I hadn't felt as content with life as I did that morning in a long time, so that's a memory I will definitely treasure. :) To wrap things up VERY quickly, the other major parts of the semester that come to mind were my Geography and Italian classes, the first for the amazing professor who I would MARRY if she were my age and available, and italian class for it's ability to make me happy no matter what the mood.
Of course, by this point in my entry I've almost forgotten why I began writing it in the first place, but I'll try to get it back on track. I've been contemplating a number of questions I have about myself lately, many of which really stem from a lingering doubt that emerged during my relationship with Annie. Ever since then, I've been wondering who I am, and what I want out of life. I must be honest and say I really don't know. I don't have any concrete long-term goals in my life, besides finding a girl, a job, and buying a house in the suburbs and having 2.3 kids, and that's not exactly a concrete goal. I don't have any aspirations for what I want to do with my life, and sometimes I'm even unsure as to who I want to be. It used to be so simple, either because I was just so certain or because I just never really thought about it. I used to think I knew exactly who I was, and now I find I'm not so sure. Perhaps the best example of this is that I used to pride myself on my inability to stay angry for very long, and now I simply find that I have a temper. I used to think that, if I really tried, I could accomplish anything, and that was put to the test in my relationship with Annie. I knew how difficult it would be to make that relationship work, but I truly wanted it to, and I believed that would be all that I needed. I believe I tried my hardest, and yet it turned out just to not be enough. I ended up losing Annie, but just as painfully, I lost some of that belief in myself. It's very frightening to go from thinking you have few real limits to realizing that failure can be very real and very tangible despite your best efforts. As a disclaimer, or any of you that MAY get confused, this is not a diatribe against Annie. It's not her fault that my flaws became evident during our relationship, anymore than she's to be blamed for the failure of the relationship.
Now, we move on to the requisite section on girls, and my theory on why I'm not having as much fun at Mary Washington as I hypothetically might. Girls are very important at school, simply because it seems they're the only ones I make friends with. Of course, this provides me with a predicament; I can't seem to get close to them without developing a romantic attachment. I have lost both of my best friends on campus because I decided to try to take it to the next level with them. At home, I don't have problems like this. The first reason is that I have a number of VERY close guy friends, who I can depend on routinely. They are my rocks, just as my my close friends at school were my rocks. Of course, there's never an issue of losing them, mostly because I'm not attracted to men. The second reason, of course, is because most of the women at home seem immune to my charms (Just to let you know, I rolled my eyes too, so it's ok.) So this yields yet another problem; I'm now wary of getting too close to anyone at school. Some people I know nothing will ever happen with on both sides, which makes me exceedingly comfortable with them. However, they don't seem to be every down sort of friends, my problem really isn't solved. As for others... I really just don't know. This may be why the new roommate will turn out to be a blessing in disguise, because I may then find a guy friend that will be able to provide me with a stronger base to work from. Another option may be leaving Mary Washington entirely, and going somewhere that might be more suitable for me. I know Jon's vote would be William and Mary, and to be perfectly honest, it is looking like a very real possibility. Until then... I can appreciate the whole Daoist philosophy (or at least my crude understanding of it) of letting the world flow around me. By letting people come to me when they want to hang out, it ensures that I'm going to be with people that truly want to be around me, and my newfound ability to accept solitude with indifference has made that much easier. Of course, such an indifferent and reactionary policy seems to run counter to my fuzzy impression of my ideal person, but since it seems to be minimizing any hardships I feel I think I will at least stick with it for the present.
That turned out to be a long-winded affair of which I tend to hate as a livejournal reader. Interesting how we make hippocrites of ourselves, isn't it? If you managed to finish reading this post, you should give yourself a hand, whether as a reward for your show of friendship or simply as a congratulations on your stamina as a reader. And since it's that time of year, everyone (regardless of your status as a friend or a reader) gets a Happy Holidays (we're a tolerant bunch here)
Goodnight!