A worthless day
Jasmine:
Summary of the day: I screamed at my father and he hung up on me.
I just don't understand why I let him get to me so bad. Or why it made me so mad today of all days. I just get so...over it... when I have to pick out a father's day card or when I had to pick out a song to dance to with my dad, because I hate thinking of him as the "good" father that you're supposed to appreciate and respect and love. Which is really unfair, because I don't have horrible memories of him or anything from my childhood. He was definitely not a good husband to my mom, but he was a good father. So why do I get so uncomfortable when I have to pick out a card that says mushy stuff about your dad? I just don't get it. I don't know why I am so angry at him. Any other person, they can say the stupidest shit to me or whatever, and I'll let it roll off my back. Or me and my sisters can have a fight but in two minutes, it's ok. And not it's okay and we're faking being nice to each other like friends do. Like, it's ok and we don't even think about it anymore. I just do not understand where these feelings of anger with him come from. And I do not know why today of all days, I was finally just over it. Why I finally just blew up at him. I don't want to ever talk to him again.
My aunt texted me to ask me if I talked to my dad today, cuz it's father's day. Which is just annoying, because why is it her business if I call him or not? But whatever. So I told her that I did but then we fought and he hung up on me and that I don't plan on calling him anytime in the future. And she asked "what is going on with you guys?" And it's just weird because... I didn't really feel like there was ANYTHING going on with us. SO the way she asked it, it made it seem like we've been having all sorts of problems... And... we didn't. I am always civil to him when we talk and as nice as I can be and ignore all his BULLSHIT. So that threw me off guard. And then my aunt always has this thing about not wanting us girls to regret anything because she wishes she had a good relationship with her dad. And I agree. I think that I will regret having a good relationship with him as well. But me, putting up with his CRAP, ALL THE TIME, is not a good relationship to me. So I really don't understand what that means. I definitely want a normal relationship with him. I want to be real with him. I want him to know who I am NOW and not keep living in the past and thinking that I'm his little "lap baby" as he calls me, anymore. Because I am not. I don't think I would ever respect him enough to ask his advice on ANYTHING. I've just grown out of him. And he can't grow anymore. I really want him to stop being so judgmental and saying inappropriate things to me and disrespecting my marriage and my husband. But it's not going to happen. I can't just make it happen. So there's no way I won't regret having a good relationship with him. So I better just deal with it now rather than later. Just realize I don't need a dad anymore. I have the rest of my family and I have a husband and his family. And that's all I need. It sounds so.. melodramatic. But I guess I am good at that.
I just... gotta realize.
Summary of the day: I screamed at my father and he hung up on me.
I just don't understand why I let him get to me so bad. Or why it made me so mad today of all days. I just get so...over it... when I have to pick out a father's day card or when I had to pick out a song to dance to with my dad, because I hate thinking of him as the "good" father that you're supposed to appreciate and respect and love. Which is really unfair, because I don't have horrible memories of him or anything from my childhood. He was definitely not a good husband to my mom, but he was a good father. So why do I get so uncomfortable when I have to pick out a card that says mushy stuff about your dad? I just don't get it. I don't know why I am so angry at him. Any other person, they can say the stupidest shit to me or whatever, and I'll let it roll off my back. Or me and my sisters can have a fight but in two minutes, it's ok. And not it's okay and we're faking being nice to each other like friends do. Like, it's ok and we don't even think about it anymore. I just do not understand where these feelings of anger with him come from. And I do not know why today of all days, I was finally just over it. Why I finally just blew up at him. I don't want to ever talk to him again.
My aunt texted me to ask me if I talked to my dad today, cuz it's father's day. Which is just annoying, because why is it her business if I call him or not? But whatever. So I told her that I did but then we fought and he hung up on me and that I don't plan on calling him anytime in the future. And she asked "what is going on with you guys?" And it's just weird because... I didn't really feel like there was ANYTHING going on with us. SO the way she asked it, it made it seem like we've been having all sorts of problems... And... we didn't. I am always civil to him when we talk and as nice as I can be and ignore all his BULLSHIT. So that threw me off guard. And then my aunt always has this thing about not wanting us girls to regret anything because she wishes she had a good relationship with her dad. And I agree. I think that I will regret having a good relationship with him as well. But me, putting up with his CRAP, ALL THE TIME, is not a good relationship to me. So I really don't understand what that means. I definitely want a normal relationship with him. I want to be real with him. I want him to know who I am NOW and not keep living in the past and thinking that I'm his little "lap baby" as he calls me, anymore. Because I am not. I don't think I would ever respect him enough to ask his advice on ANYTHING. I've just grown out of him. And he can't grow anymore. I really want him to stop being so judgmental and saying inappropriate things to me and disrespecting my marriage and my husband. But it's not going to happen. I can't just make it happen. So there's no way I won't regret having a good relationship with him. So I better just deal with it now rather than later. Just realize I don't need a dad anymore. I have the rest of my family and I have a husband and his family. And that's all I need. It sounds so.. melodramatic. But I guess I am good at that.
I just... gotta realize.