(no subject)
a lot of the time i'm really bullshit scared and push people away from me and make them feel like it's their fault. i am sorry. i am sorry to my bestfriend from fourth grade that i did that to, and i'm sorry to all my friends in-between that moment and now. i am sorry to all of my ex-lovers and ex-boyfriends who i'd never admit that fear to, that fear of normalcy and decency, that fear of permanence and instead make them so small that they'd fit into a tiny hole in my pocket. mostly, mostly i am sorry to my mother and to my sister because i never thought i had any power to ever help them, but it's because i'm really bullshit selfish and unforgiving. i feel myself getting older but i am still somewhere shy in-between. and i'm still scared. i'm still full of shit and scared of being vulnerable and i don't want to push you away. i don't want to push anyone away. i want to feel like i am allowed to rely on someone but it terrifies me.