(no subject)
I'm suddenly questioning everything in life and as soon as it began, I wished it would go away and that I'd never ever thought these thoughts. But, I did and it's like when you've said the most terrible thing to someone and as soon as you've said it, you want to take it back and you tell them that you didn't mean it and to forget about it, but you know they'll never be able to forget it. I feel like my life may never be the same. Why couldn't I have just stayed blind and kept moving... even if I didn't actually realize the direction. Now, I'm scared to move at all.
I feel like... what the fuck am I doing at college? I'm making good grades, but I'm becoming a product of an Institution. I've come here - into an isolated world of books and lists and things to get done, and the scary thing is, I've even begun to enjoy this life of standardized living. I'm satisfied with average ordinary things. A pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks comforts me and I can go to sleep at night feeling satisfied after I've worked out at the gym. I'm living a normal life, but my god, I don't feel normal. I'm not normal. My head isn't normal... and frankly, normal scares me. It always has - that's why I used to surround myself with anything but. Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?
I know I'm supposed to be here. I'm really not questioning that. But what I'm really questioning is the person I've turned into. I'm healthier. I study. I rarely drink and I've smoked pot maybe three times since I've been up here. That sounds fantastic, doesn't it? I bet you all are saying, Good for you! But, I feel like I've lost my 'zing'. Does that make any sense? I'm not saying that I was more creative when I was doing drugs or anything like that, because I definately wasn't. I just wanted to be. But what I'm saying is... nobody knows me. I've turned into merely a routine, and I haven't been given the chance to be free. My 'zing', my passion for life and all of its strangeness has disappeared.
I needed some reassurance from St. Petersburg, but I can't ever get a hold of Rosey, and on the rare occassion that she calls me, cell phone service stops me from being able to hear her. And Jeff... there's something mean in his voice, like he's bothered by talking to me. I want one of his tight squeezing bear hugs where he won't let me go and he presses his head on top of mine. He gave me this hug before I left. And his hugs haven't been the same since. The stress of people changing back home has added to my stress here. I expected to go home and for things to be the same. I'M the one who's supposed to have changed. It scares me that they might have. I guess we'll see when I go home in a few weeks.
It's like, I'm doing all the right things, but why do I feel like I'd rather die?
I feel like... what the fuck am I doing at college? I'm making good grades, but I'm becoming a product of an Institution. I've come here - into an isolated world of books and lists and things to get done, and the scary thing is, I've even begun to enjoy this life of standardized living. I'm satisfied with average ordinary things. A pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks comforts me and I can go to sleep at night feeling satisfied after I've worked out at the gym. I'm living a normal life, but my god, I don't feel normal. I'm not normal. My head isn't normal... and frankly, normal scares me. It always has - that's why I used to surround myself with anything but. Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?
I know I'm supposed to be here. I'm really not questioning that. But what I'm really questioning is the person I've turned into. I'm healthier. I study. I rarely drink and I've smoked pot maybe three times since I've been up here. That sounds fantastic, doesn't it? I bet you all are saying, Good for you! But, I feel like I've lost my 'zing'. Does that make any sense? I'm not saying that I was more creative when I was doing drugs or anything like that, because I definately wasn't. I just wanted to be. But what I'm saying is... nobody knows me. I've turned into merely a routine, and I haven't been given the chance to be free. My 'zing', my passion for life and all of its strangeness has disappeared.
I needed some reassurance from St. Petersburg, but I can't ever get a hold of Rosey, and on the rare occassion that she calls me, cell phone service stops me from being able to hear her. And Jeff... there's something mean in his voice, like he's bothered by talking to me. I want one of his tight squeezing bear hugs where he won't let me go and he presses his head on top of mine. He gave me this hug before I left. And his hugs haven't been the same since. The stress of people changing back home has added to my stress here. I expected to go home and for things to be the same. I'M the one who's supposed to have changed. It scares me that they might have. I guess we'll see when I go home in a few weeks.
It's like, I'm doing all the right things, but why do I feel like I'd rather die?