Surprise! I still exist! And I'm angsty!
Okay, so I was going to make this a life update, but for now I feel the need to bitch about something petty, and if anywhere is the place to do that, it's livejournal.
-When my partner and I are mentioned as a couple, we are referred to as "Luka (him) and Clara (me)"
-When people presume to couple our last names it's either "his last name-hyphen-my last name (with me second, always)" or just Luka and Clara "his last name (with me edited out in the traditional fashion)"
-When people communicate with us often I am greeted second or not at all.
This year I sent out holiday cookies to a small batch of people who we wouldn't get to see.
I shopped for the ingredients.
I made the cookies
I did the dishes
I packaged the cookies
I boxed them
I wrote the notes on the cookies and signed them
I signed Luka's name to the labels
I went to the post office and mailed them.
(this is not to say he is a bum- he got addresses and was doing work-things at the time)
Guess who's getting all the warm and loving thank yous?
I'll give you a hint: It ties in really well with the pattern of me being recognized either second ("as I was telling Luka, thank you for the...") or not at all.
And I know this is bratty and i want to make it clear that not about me needing to take all the credit. BUT THIS SHIT HAPPENS ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
And it comes from our queer, progressive, feminist, enlightened, thoughtful, wonderful, family and friends.
And I am at the point where I am so offended by being thanked as an afterthought to my masculine partner that I would rather nobody bothers saying thank you at all. Seriously, it really hurts my feelings.
And I am feeling really frustrated because I feel like I have made all the life decisions to eradicate direct misogyny in my life:
-Choosing a queer feminist lifestyle
-Choosing a queer progressive community
-Choosing a thoughtful, feminist, amazing partner who bends over backwards to make sure that I am recognized and given credit, especially when I have been overlooked
Yet still, somehow, I can't get away from being put last or completely made invisible.
Obviously this doesn't happen in intentional or conspicuous ways, but in those small, symbolic, well-intentioned, every day gestures it is pervasive and constant.
I am tired of coming last, being secondary, being addressed as an addition to my masculine partner, or in any other passive way being told that I am less important. It's at the point that every time I see my name last I feel disrespected. But it's so amorphous, because half the time it's totally valid.
And I'm trying to work out- is it because I'm feminine presenting? Is it because I pass? Is it because I am the femme in a femme/butch couple? Does the fact that I am the shyer or more reserved partner contribute? And why do I feel so irrational/illegitimate about being really upset and insulted by this? And how do I address it without alienating people that I love or looking like a bitch or making people feel like I am overreacting?
Does anyone have any feedback on this?
-When my partner and I are mentioned as a couple, we are referred to as "Luka (him) and Clara (me)"
-When people presume to couple our last names it's either "his last name-hyphen-my last name (with me second, always)" or just Luka and Clara "his last name (with me edited out in the traditional fashion)"
-When people communicate with us often I am greeted second or not at all.
This year I sent out holiday cookies to a small batch of people who we wouldn't get to see.
I shopped for the ingredients.
I made the cookies
I did the dishes
I packaged the cookies
I boxed them
I wrote the notes on the cookies and signed them
I signed Luka's name to the labels
I went to the post office and mailed them.
(this is not to say he is a bum- he got addresses and was doing work-things at the time)
Guess who's getting all the warm and loving thank yous?
I'll give you a hint: It ties in really well with the pattern of me being recognized either second ("as I was telling Luka, thank you for the...") or not at all.
And I know this is bratty and i want to make it clear that not about me needing to take all the credit. BUT THIS SHIT HAPPENS ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
And it comes from our queer, progressive, feminist, enlightened, thoughtful, wonderful, family and friends.
And I am at the point where I am so offended by being thanked as an afterthought to my masculine partner that I would rather nobody bothers saying thank you at all. Seriously, it really hurts my feelings.
And I am feeling really frustrated because I feel like I have made all the life decisions to eradicate direct misogyny in my life:
-Choosing a queer feminist lifestyle
-Choosing a queer progressive community
-Choosing a thoughtful, feminist, amazing partner who bends over backwards to make sure that I am recognized and given credit, especially when I have been overlooked
Yet still, somehow, I can't get away from being put last or completely made invisible.
Obviously this doesn't happen in intentional or conspicuous ways, but in those small, symbolic, well-intentioned, every day gestures it is pervasive and constant.
I am tired of coming last, being secondary, being addressed as an addition to my masculine partner, or in any other passive way being told that I am less important. It's at the point that every time I see my name last I feel disrespected. But it's so amorphous, because half the time it's totally valid.
And I'm trying to work out- is it because I'm feminine presenting? Is it because I pass? Is it because I am the femme in a femme/butch couple? Does the fact that I am the shyer or more reserved partner contribute? And why do I feel so irrational/illegitimate about being really upset and insulted by this? And how do I address it without alienating people that I love or looking like a bitch or making people feel like I am overreacting?
Does anyone have any feedback on this?