Excuse me While I Shed My Skin
let me start by saying...I know I am an intelligent, compassionate, good looking, sincere, inquisitive, Black, West Indian, Woman.
in my mind's eye. I know this. or. at least I should know this. right? We all as women, especially women of colour should know this.
should. but. i've come to finally admit to myself that I am full of insecurities that alot more often than not, blinds me. holds me so tight I can barely breathe.
you see. I've been socialized (for the best or not: to be debated)...as many of us have been...to be strong. to be assertive. to be "womanly". to "know your place". to be more than "just a house wife." to hold down the family: emotionally, financially. to be lighter. to be thinner. to have a "fatty". to be. to be. to be. to. be. all that they want you to be in this damn country (society). and quite frankly...all these expectations. all this conditioning. all the contradictions. leaves me...questioning my being. my essence. my sense of self. everyother day. on a good day. and even the most secure. most put together ones face the insecurities some time in their life. it may be when they realize...race does matter. how light. how dark. how almond. butter pecan. mahogany. mocha. you are...does matter. or maybe its when you realize in your all white school/job/career that your seen as fillin the quota. or maybe its when your own sistas of colour down you because of the way you talk.walk.dress. who you fuck.love. or maybe its when you stop and realize...you end your statements in question form...never fully firm in what we say/believe/know.
and sadly. i am guilty of all this. and then some. and the thing is. i know this. but...it still persists. i still find myself at times...not speaking up in a meeting, even when I KNOW I know what the hell I'm talking about. I KNOW my ideas are valid and dope. but...something? holds me back. or I let the next person (male. white. female. older.)take the credit. i still find myself at times...looking in the mirror wanting to change this or that or everything in between. and this crazie. insane. thought pattern I know..i truly do know. is detrimental to my well being. so why do I have a hard time shaking it? is there some kind of security i find in these insecurities? is this what i honestly think of myself? no. its not. i let fear control me more than it should. fear of being misunderstood. fear of not being good enough. fear of the greatness i know i can achieve. because once I attain it...there is no going back. it will be yet another standard i have to live up to.
don't get me wrong. i always try to reach the top. do the best i can. but always with something hanging over my head. weighing down on my shoulders. and its always. always. related to how i will be perceived by others. funny. coming from the woman who always says "i dont care what you think. they think...i'll wear what i want. do what i want. be who i want..." and really...i believe it. deep down. i do.
i guess the fact of the matter. the truth of the matter. is that...i'm letting the JUDGMENT of humans hinder. get in the way of my Creators plan. I can't be so caught in the process of others that I neglect my own...
I'm coming to realize that. I'm coming to accept ALL of me. insecurities and the such. and once that is done...I can work on fixing that which has been damaged by the social norms. expectations. etc that were placed on me from birth.
in my mind's eye. I know this. or. at least I should know this. right? We all as women, especially women of colour should know this.
should. but. i've come to finally admit to myself that I am full of insecurities that alot more often than not, blinds me. holds me so tight I can barely breathe.
you see. I've been socialized (for the best or not: to be debated)...as many of us have been...to be strong. to be assertive. to be "womanly". to "know your place". to be more than "just a house wife." to hold down the family: emotionally, financially. to be lighter. to be thinner. to have a "fatty". to be. to be. to be. to. be. all that they want you to be in this damn country (society). and quite frankly...all these expectations. all this conditioning. all the contradictions. leaves me...questioning my being. my essence. my sense of self. everyother day. on a good day. and even the most secure. most put together ones face the insecurities some time in their life. it may be when they realize...race does matter. how light. how dark. how almond. butter pecan. mahogany. mocha. you are...does matter. or maybe its when you realize in your all white school/job/career that your seen as fillin the quota. or maybe its when your own sistas of colour down you because of the way you talk.walk.dress. who you fuck.love. or maybe its when you stop and realize...you end your statements in question form...never fully firm in what we say/believe/know.
and sadly. i am guilty of all this. and then some. and the thing is. i know this. but...it still persists. i still find myself at times...not speaking up in a meeting, even when I KNOW I know what the hell I'm talking about. I KNOW my ideas are valid and dope. but...something? holds me back. or I let the next person (male. white. female. older.)take the credit. i still find myself at times...looking in the mirror wanting to change this or that or everything in between. and this crazie. insane. thought pattern I know..i truly do know. is detrimental to my well being. so why do I have a hard time shaking it? is there some kind of security i find in these insecurities? is this what i honestly think of myself? no. its not. i let fear control me more than it should. fear of being misunderstood. fear of not being good enough. fear of the greatness i know i can achieve. because once I attain it...there is no going back. it will be yet another standard i have to live up to.
don't get me wrong. i always try to reach the top. do the best i can. but always with something hanging over my head. weighing down on my shoulders. and its always. always. related to how i will be perceived by others. funny. coming from the woman who always says "i dont care what you think. they think...i'll wear what i want. do what i want. be who i want..." and really...i believe it. deep down. i do.
i guess the fact of the matter. the truth of the matter. is that...i'm letting the JUDGMENT of humans hinder. get in the way of my Creators plan. I can't be so caught in the process of others that I neglect my own...
I'm coming to realize that. I'm coming to accept ALL of me. insecurities and the such. and once that is done...I can work on fixing that which has been damaged by the social norms. expectations. etc that were placed on me from birth.