(no subject)
It seems I've been externallising the ME as an enemy, and its been winning. After far too many years of it I should be used to the relapse/plateau cycles, unpredictable though they may be. Moderating and sensibly extending activity patterns when I'm able, usually stretch the plateaus. Being silly and pushing beyond my limits always has repercussions, yet in the past, that pushing was a prime part of my coping strategy. It allowed me to live or at least feel alive and I regarded the backlash relapse as a reasonable price to pay.
For at least the last six months, probably for longer, but I can't work it out, this pattern has changed. Partly the depression which haunted my the early years of this illness reared its head and romped back without facing any real resistance, partly I became frightened of relapsing even further. I'm amazed atjust how paralysing fear can be, and how much energy it consumes. - Time to memorise the mindkiller thing from Dune, that one stops today.
Instead of hoarding and squeezing the maximum out of every bit of energy I possess, I've wasted it finding excuses to put off doing anything. Procrastination has become my principle activity, that and wallowing in despair. And I've finely recognised that putting something off till I've the energy to do it properly in case it ain't good enough is just procrastination and the fear of failure.
In the process I've let people down, worst of all, I've let folk I care deeply about down. I'd apologise but having largely diagnosed the problem, I've yet to work out how to correct it. Please take the apology as pending, until I can offer one properly.
Procrastination in other people has never been a problem for me, my rules and standards are set for me and me only, now I just need to find a way to keep those rules and meet those standards.
And in the words of a wise Lady
"The omnipresent Not-Good-Enough demon can go fuck itself."
and hence to bed, am knackered butat least feel I've achieved something today - been too long since I've felt that way.
For at least the last six months, probably for longer, but I can't work it out, this pattern has changed. Partly the depression which haunted my the early years of this illness reared its head and romped back without facing any real resistance, partly I became frightened of relapsing even further. I'm amazed atjust how paralysing fear can be, and how much energy it consumes. - Time to memorise the mindkiller thing from Dune, that one stops today.
Instead of hoarding and squeezing the maximum out of every bit of energy I possess, I've wasted it finding excuses to put off doing anything. Procrastination has become my principle activity, that and wallowing in despair. And I've finely recognised that putting something off till I've the energy to do it properly in case it ain't good enough is just procrastination and the fear of failure.
In the process I've let people down, worst of all, I've let folk I care deeply about down. I'd apologise but having largely diagnosed the problem, I've yet to work out how to correct it. Please take the apology as pending, until I can offer one properly.
Procrastination in other people has never been a problem for me, my rules and standards are set for me and me only, now I just need to find a way to keep those rules and meet those standards.
And in the words of a wise Lady
"The omnipresent Not-Good-Enough demon can go fuck itself."
and hence to bed, am knackered butat least feel I've achieved something today - been too long since I've felt that way.