(no subject)
I know, I haven't been updating (not like any of you really care). I can't find the time and/or the motivation to do this anymore. It used to help me vent, but lately it's been more of a hassle than anything. Actually, my whole life's been feeling like a hassle. I always, always, ALWAYS get myself into more trouble than I can handle. And I just say hey, fuck it, right? What's the point in caring. If you can't go out and have fun (whether it gets you in trouble or not) than why live at all? Face the consequences later. No worries. Well now I'm torn. The consequences get harder and harder to deal with. And at the rate I'm going, there's no way I can stop. I can't..physically or emotionally..stop. It's like I need the drama. No. What I need is fucking rehab. Wanna go to a party? Sure why not. Wanna make out? What the hell. Can I take you into the other room? Fuck, I'm already there. Why would someone willingly set themselves up for this? I don't know. Wish I did. But than again if I did, you'd think I wouldn't be sittin here complaining about not knowing why I am the way I am. Whatever. I don't know how to fix this. I could say..stay away from parties and social gatherings. But that's pretty much my life. And I could always try and stay away from guys. Oh but we KNOW that won't happen. Yeah. I'm fucking screwed. S-C-R-E-W-E-D. And don't think for once that it's anybody else's fault. Cause it's not. And not to mention..besides my lack of self confidence..my anxiety kicked in again the other night. Yep. I had yet another nervous breakdown. Though this time I did have a reason. Jake and Tony came over at around 12 Sunday night and we went over to pick up Emily and Erin. We drove around for a while and than headed back to my place. We pretty much just hung out all night. It was really nice of Jake to bring Tony up to see me one last time before he had to leave. I guess it didn't hit me until we got back from taking Emily home..that he was really leaving. And it hit hard. We hugged and kissed for at least an hour. I didn't wanna let go. A year and a half is a long time. What if I never see him again? Would it be for the better? I can't even explain it. I tried so hard not to cry. I didn't want to make him upset, although I'm sure he already was. I couldn't even look at him. Just touching him..it made me sick to my stomache. I knew I shouldn't have let it get as far as it did. But there was nothing I could do. I think it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. He didn't leave until 5 in the morning when Jake finally made him go. I can't even count how many times he told me he loved me. And how hard it was for him to leave. I did not think it would hurt that much. After I watched him leave...god I could not stop crying. I cried all night. I didn't go to school. Everyone was mad at me asking me why I wasn't there. But I didn't wanna tell them. I don't fucking care what they think. My family was giving me hell. If only they knew what I was going through. But they don't care. And it hurts me too much to care. I never had a nervous breakdown last all night and all day and all the next night. But it did. And I hate it. I guess I just don't know what to think anymore...