running the association gauntlet
This is the time of year when I have a slew of days that remind me of other things. Like the last big speed bump before the holidays, running the gauntlet.
Yesterday, Friday the 17th, was the 20th anniversary of the day I quit smoking for good at last except for the three times I cheated in the ensuing years, but I did not restart the habit so it's still good!
Today, Saturday the 18th, is the 20th anniversary of the day I had to put my cat to sleep. His name was Martin and he was also a tuxie (I love me some tuxes) but he had a recurring urinary tract blockage that was painful to keep unblocking and nothing -- diet, pure water, medication -- was preventing him from reinfecting, so faced with having to have this procedure every couple of weeks (and I was unemployed and trying to leave my ex at the time, so money was nonexistent, the main reason* I quit smoking the day before was not for health but because I couldn't afford them anymore) or not treating it and having him die painfully, I took the third option. He had been a shelter cat and he was an awesome cat. I have pictures of him still but none scanned in (the dinosaur days before digital) and I still remember him even though I only had him a couple of years. But holding him before I had to let him go I knew that if I could survive doing that and still not smoke, I could kick the habit. And I did.
Tomorrow, Sunday the 19th, Laura moves out. Her fiance and his family are flying in, and they're renting a one way U-haul for her stuff. I've lived with her for ten years. She's getting married and moving on to another stage of life, and I'm very happy for her. Not so happy for myself, but I'm selfish that way. I don't like change very much.
And then Monday the 20th is my Mom's birthday, the second one that will happen without her. She would have been 78. It's funny but I associate her birthday with winter and it's actually the last day of fall! She was named Carol because of her birthday's proximity to Christmas (they almost named her Carol Noel! Till Grandma realized the two words meant the same thing...) and that's how I got my middle name, from hers.
One thing I really regret is that she really wanted a 75th birthday like her older sister Lois got (they had a lot of competition through the years), the big old blowout where you take over a restaurant and invite everyone from everywhere. I wish I could have made that happen for her, but when she told me she wanted it she already knew it wouldn't happen. Heck, she would have been happy just for the kids to dress up for her. Another reason why, looking at all the shorts and sandals in the pictures from her "memorial" it is probably the smartest thing I ever did choosing not to go to it. I would have had to bitch them out for not even bothering to dress nicely for it and then I would have been the "bad one" for "ruining it for everyone else".
Tuesday is the 21st, the winter solstice. That's the day that when I was two years old I crawled out of bed and followed dad to work. Or tried to. I was picked up a few blocks away and taken to the police station. It made the paper and everything, back when newspapers ran stuff like that and there wasn't much else going on except that whole Vietnam thing. I have the clipping Mom saved. Oh, lord, the innocent days! Today she'd have had all her kids taken away as an "unfit mother" for letting me get out of the house...
And that's the gauntlet of association I have to run this week. One after the other. A marathon of memories. Because that's the way my brain works, everything gets memory-tied to everything else so that thinking of one thing cascades into many things. Kind of like the "memory theater" idea I first learned about in The Day The Universe Changed.**
After a week like that, by the time I get to Christmas, I have earned the right to have a happy holiday.
___________________________
* although the other reason was that my ex didn't smoke and spent a lot of time with the guilt trips on a lot of things, one of which was the "if you really loved me you'd quit" one... so when I decided to leave him, I quit. So there.
** People wonder how I can put so much stuff into PauC, Hugo-like, with all the references and asides and whatnot. With a brain like mine how can I not? My problem is figuring out what to throw out and what to keep in!
Yesterday, Friday the 17th, was the 20th anniversary of the day I quit smoking for good at last except for the three times I cheated in the ensuing years, but I did not restart the habit so it's still good!
Today, Saturday the 18th, is the 20th anniversary of the day I had to put my cat to sleep. His name was Martin and he was also a tuxie (I love me some tuxes) but he had a recurring urinary tract blockage that was painful to keep unblocking and nothing -- diet, pure water, medication -- was preventing him from reinfecting, so faced with having to have this procedure every couple of weeks (and I was unemployed and trying to leave my ex at the time, so money was nonexistent, the main reason* I quit smoking the day before was not for health but because I couldn't afford them anymore) or not treating it and having him die painfully, I took the third option. He had been a shelter cat and he was an awesome cat. I have pictures of him still but none scanned in (the dinosaur days before digital) and I still remember him even though I only had him a couple of years. But holding him before I had to let him go I knew that if I could survive doing that and still not smoke, I could kick the habit. And I did.
Tomorrow, Sunday the 19th, Laura moves out. Her fiance and his family are flying in, and they're renting a one way U-haul for her stuff. I've lived with her for ten years. She's getting married and moving on to another stage of life, and I'm very happy for her. Not so happy for myself, but I'm selfish that way. I don't like change very much.
And then Monday the 20th is my Mom's birthday, the second one that will happen without her. She would have been 78. It's funny but I associate her birthday with winter and it's actually the last day of fall! She was named Carol because of her birthday's proximity to Christmas (they almost named her Carol Noel! Till Grandma realized the two words meant the same thing...) and that's how I got my middle name, from hers.
One thing I really regret is that she really wanted a 75th birthday like her older sister Lois got (they had a lot of competition through the years), the big old blowout where you take over a restaurant and invite everyone from everywhere. I wish I could have made that happen for her, but when she told me she wanted it she already knew it wouldn't happen. Heck, she would have been happy just for the kids to dress up for her. Another reason why, looking at all the shorts and sandals in the pictures from her "memorial" it is probably the smartest thing I ever did choosing not to go to it. I would have had to bitch them out for not even bothering to dress nicely for it and then I would have been the "bad one" for "ruining it for everyone else".
Tuesday is the 21st, the winter solstice. That's the day that when I was two years old I crawled out of bed and followed dad to work. Or tried to. I was picked up a few blocks away and taken to the police station. It made the paper and everything, back when newspapers ran stuff like that and there wasn't much else going on except that whole Vietnam thing. I have the clipping Mom saved. Oh, lord, the innocent days! Today she'd have had all her kids taken away as an "unfit mother" for letting me get out of the house...
And that's the gauntlet of association I have to run this week. One after the other. A marathon of memories. Because that's the way my brain works, everything gets memory-tied to everything else so that thinking of one thing cascades into many things. Kind of like the "memory theater" idea I first learned about in The Day The Universe Changed.**
After a week like that, by the time I get to Christmas, I have earned the right to have a happy holiday.
___________________________
* although the other reason was that my ex didn't smoke and spent a lot of time with the guilt trips on a lot of things, one of which was the "if you really loved me you'd quit" one... so when I decided to leave him, I quit. So there.
** People wonder how I can put so much stuff into PauC, Hugo-like, with all the references and asides and whatnot. With a brain like mine how can I not? My problem is figuring out what to throw out and what to keep in!