Yearly updates
Sometimes, every couple of years or so, I remember that I have a LiveJournal that no one actually reads and I update it for my own well-being. Well, today is one of those days. It's amazing...my life. The changes that I've been through in the past year are simply astounding. I thought that I had moved mountains between Freshman and Sophomore year. I found the change to be even more drastic between Sophomore and Junior year. But I realized that I had only been skimming the surface up to this point.
I'm in love.
I had been afraid and guarded before I met him. Afraid to let people in, afraid I'd be judged, afraid of being alone. I'm not anymore. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders somehow and I never want to go back to the way I used to be. I used to hide my sadness with sarcastic comments. I used to say things to people that I didn't even mean just to say them. I don't anymore. I'm changed. I'm actually happy. The kid with the childhood nickname of "Grumpy" is completely happy. I read through a couple of my old entries today. It made me kind of sad to realize how hopeless I felt and was. But then I realized that every empty void that I complained about has been filled. I know that whatever happens in my life, I won't ever be alone because I have loved and been loved. It's a whole different level of myself that I didn't even know I had. Dylan, I know you're going to read this because I was dumb enough to send you this link: you know this already, but I love you so much. Everyone before you pails in comparison. There is no comparison. You are my life. I love you with everything I am and everything I ever will be. ;) ...and that's not even a half-joke.
I've come into my own this year. A lot of it has to do with actually feeling happy. I never realized how negative I was about so many things until this year. I feel like my perspective on life has changed so much...and for the better. I see the world in bright, vibrant colors; whereas before everything was slightly muted. That moment kind of came in an epiphany. When one day, after going out to dinner with someone I thought was a friend, and an acquaintance, the acquaintance said he felt very awkward because of how we put a negative spin on almost everything. It was then that I realized where that was coming from and cut that out of my life. Even if that means cutting certain people out of my life, I'd rather be surrounded by people who have respect for me as well as themselves.
My aunt died.
I heard a quote the other day at her funeral. The speaker said: "Carolyn always lived by the philosophy, 'You should always leave a place better than when you entered it.'" I've been thinking a lot and I think that is my new motto/goal. I want to change things for the better. Whether that be people or places, I want to have a positive impact on everyone I meet and everywhere I go. When I leave JMU, I hope to have affected at least one person's life in some way. I don't even have to know that I've done it...I just want it to happen. I want to leave this place better than when I entered it. I've bettered myself, really found myself here. But now maybe it's time to stop thinking about myself so much and to start thinking about others.
Friendships have been lost.
Something that's been on my mind the last couple of months too is friendships that have been lost. I've lost two friendships this year which were important to me. The first was my very best friend from high school. At the end of last summer, I could feel the strain on the relationship. I didn't enjoy spending time with her anymore. I felt like she used me a lot. I felt that we were both at VERY different places in our lives and couldn't relate to each other. I didn't care about the same things she cared about. I felt guilty a lot for not calling to try to get together. Whenever she would sign online a twinge of guilt would come over me for not IMing her. It still happens. The other friendship was a gradual decline all year. I made excuses for her all year long. I realized that I was her friend because she was just as miserable as I was. It took a huge transformation in my thinking to actually realize what was going on. I see it now though. I do not consider her to be my friend at all anymore. Next year should be an interesting one.
With friendships lost, however, comes friendships gained and sustained. I'm realizing who are my true friends. I know that once I leave and go into the "real world" there will be a group of people who I stay in contact with no matter where we are. That makes me so happy. It feels so good to have a group of people who actually really care. I don't need to have 400 friends to be happy. I just need 3 or 4 really good ones. On an unrelated, less introspective note: I'm running a half-marathon in August. I wrote in a previous post that one of my life goals was to run a marathon...after August I'll be half-way to achieving that goal. It feels good to actually chase a dream. I make tons of dreams, but very few do I actually chase.
Anyway, life has been really good this summer. I have an internship that is SO much fun! I get to do what I want to do with my life. They trust me to shoot and edit video. It's so exciting. It's sort of a little tease of my life's potential. Only one more year. One. God. Wow. I'm not worried though, where ever I end up, I know I will be fine because I have the one thing I need: love.
:)
I'm in love.
I had been afraid and guarded before I met him. Afraid to let people in, afraid I'd be judged, afraid of being alone. I'm not anymore. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders somehow and I never want to go back to the way I used to be. I used to hide my sadness with sarcastic comments. I used to say things to people that I didn't even mean just to say them. I don't anymore. I'm changed. I'm actually happy. The kid with the childhood nickname of "Grumpy" is completely happy. I read through a couple of my old entries today. It made me kind of sad to realize how hopeless I felt and was. But then I realized that every empty void that I complained about has been filled. I know that whatever happens in my life, I won't ever be alone because I have loved and been loved. It's a whole different level of myself that I didn't even know I had. Dylan, I know you're going to read this because I was dumb enough to send you this link: you know this already, but I love you so much. Everyone before you pails in comparison. There is no comparison. You are my life. I love you with everything I am and everything I ever will be. ;) ...and that's not even a half-joke.
I've come into my own this year. A lot of it has to do with actually feeling happy. I never realized how negative I was about so many things until this year. I feel like my perspective on life has changed so much...and for the better. I see the world in bright, vibrant colors; whereas before everything was slightly muted. That moment kind of came in an epiphany. When one day, after going out to dinner with someone I thought was a friend, and an acquaintance, the acquaintance said he felt very awkward because of how we put a negative spin on almost everything. It was then that I realized where that was coming from and cut that out of my life. Even if that means cutting certain people out of my life, I'd rather be surrounded by people who have respect for me as well as themselves.
My aunt died.
I heard a quote the other day at her funeral. The speaker said: "Carolyn always lived by the philosophy, 'You should always leave a place better than when you entered it.'" I've been thinking a lot and I think that is my new motto/goal. I want to change things for the better. Whether that be people or places, I want to have a positive impact on everyone I meet and everywhere I go. When I leave JMU, I hope to have affected at least one person's life in some way. I don't even have to know that I've done it...I just want it to happen. I want to leave this place better than when I entered it. I've bettered myself, really found myself here. But now maybe it's time to stop thinking about myself so much and to start thinking about others.
Friendships have been lost.
Something that's been on my mind the last couple of months too is friendships that have been lost. I've lost two friendships this year which were important to me. The first was my very best friend from high school. At the end of last summer, I could feel the strain on the relationship. I didn't enjoy spending time with her anymore. I felt like she used me a lot. I felt that we were both at VERY different places in our lives and couldn't relate to each other. I didn't care about the same things she cared about. I felt guilty a lot for not calling to try to get together. Whenever she would sign online a twinge of guilt would come over me for not IMing her. It still happens. The other friendship was a gradual decline all year. I made excuses for her all year long. I realized that I was her friend because she was just as miserable as I was. It took a huge transformation in my thinking to actually realize what was going on. I see it now though. I do not consider her to be my friend at all anymore. Next year should be an interesting one.
With friendships lost, however, comes friendships gained and sustained. I'm realizing who are my true friends. I know that once I leave and go into the "real world" there will be a group of people who I stay in contact with no matter where we are. That makes me so happy. It feels so good to have a group of people who actually really care. I don't need to have 400 friends to be happy. I just need 3 or 4 really good ones. On an unrelated, less introspective note: I'm running a half-marathon in August. I wrote in a previous post that one of my life goals was to run a marathon...after August I'll be half-way to achieving that goal. It feels good to actually chase a dream. I make tons of dreams, but very few do I actually chase.
Anyway, life has been really good this summer. I have an internship that is SO much fun! I get to do what I want to do with my life. They trust me to shoot and edit video. It's so exciting. It's sort of a little tease of my life's potential. Only one more year. One. God. Wow. I'm not worried though, where ever I end up, I know I will be fine because I have the one thing I need: love.
:)