Title.. Title...
I am not afraid of tommorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
-Quote by William Allen White
Many interesting things have befallen those around me. I never think I am particularly interesting so, other's always draw my attention more. I have noticed a strange rise in the number of my friends and aquaintances starting "families" or at least thinking about it. How strange? Does it not seem like only yesterday that we were talking about how much guys sucked and how we want to live single forever? Or at least drool over Johnny Depp and wait for him to be ours? Hmm.. facinating. It is amazing how much of a change of opinion has been occuring about situations or ideas. Like the idea of having kids, when one said never!
Then I realize something important of these observations,
The person who changed was not them so much as me.
It has been such a long journey tot his point in my life. Yes, I realize 25 years is not all that long... but I mean... think about what you were doing when you were nine? I remember taking the knobs off my canopy bed and turning up the radio to sing and dance my way around myroom like I was a famous singer. I remember play acting and pretending to be the Princess, the Wicked Witch or whatever else was on the tape I was watching to entertain myself that day. I remember going outside and playing the most complicated form of hide and go seek possible, up and over playground equipment and all through the neighborhood's back yards.
And now...
I dunno. It might be fun to have a place of my own. Like really my own, and be able to enjoy glancing out the window to see my own kids playing and trying to figure out what the world was like. It might be fun to directly teach another young child the things that people taught to me. You know, like shooting rubber bands, and how to run properly through sprinklers for the full effect. The rules of freeze tag, and why 1 2 3 not it, doesn't really work.
Is it bad that in such a world of high craziness that I would almost seek a very peaceful existance? Away from gaming, away from those I know now... I dunno, just by myself for the most part? In a place and a situation where I can just be me. Where I can go to work, read books, fiddle on the internet, but at the end of the day, sack out in front of the television with another to argue over something mediocre like.. who cares. The color of the drapes or why a computer is probably not the best expense of one's paycheck.
I want a new car. I mean, a really new car. Something new and fresh. I can't afford it now, but I want something new.
I grow tired of eating out. I grow tired of eating in. I grow tired of a world that seems so much my own and so familiar and yet, so distant and confusing. It is so clear what path I should take in my life up to a point when I actually have to make good on my directions to myself. Then it seems so unclear, uncertain... I doubt and then today...
I realized something even more important.
The other people with me know which way I need to go. I just need to go that way. They know, and they are waiting for me to act upon the impulse that drives and sways my life.
What does this mean in the short term?
Nothing really.
It just means that as much as I say fate is a fickle bitch, and it devours my soul, the one thing that has remained constant....
well.
Fate is not nearly as cruel as she is made out to be.
And the person I still want to have my kids with, who I want to take care of, the one who I want to defend my family as the head of it, is still there. Do I think he is waiting for me? Naw, nothing so romantical as that... I just think that the path for us is a lot longer than most would claim for themselves in an age of such fast moving technology. And that makes me smile....
For everything I can be, and everything I will be is still possible. And in the ends, when I have the shining faces of my kids asking me how I met their dad, and when did we get married, ect.. I can say with certainty that we came together when it was best for us, for how it should be. The misery and uncertainy was worth it.
Perfect is not a real number.
True Happiness is a Hollywoodism.
Friends are support, they are light, they are your biggest enemy at times.
Enemies are there for the enjoyment of comparison.
Jealousy is not worth it, but it can make life spark and move.
Longing is a human condition, just as important as food and water.
Sex is nice, but flirtatious energy with someone who loves you is so much better. Sex without the spark, the knowledge of forever and also with the dash of For Now, is not even worth the time it takes to work yourself into abandon. You do not have to be good at it for it to be the most increadibly moving experiance in your life.
Opposites do not Attract,and even the most unlikely of people on the surface have some simularities if you look beneath. There is always the ability t o find the most common denometer and the only people who have to understand the comonality are those inside the relationship.
Fuck the world. Their opinions are cruel, thoughtless. They cannot understand half, even if you are so overcome with happiness that you shine and glow. So enjoy your glowing, your shine, for it will light your way in darkness.
I love you sweetie.
-Quote by William Allen White
Many interesting things have befallen those around me. I never think I am particularly interesting so, other's always draw my attention more. I have noticed a strange rise in the number of my friends and aquaintances starting "families" or at least thinking about it. How strange? Does it not seem like only yesterday that we were talking about how much guys sucked and how we want to live single forever? Or at least drool over Johnny Depp and wait for him to be ours? Hmm.. facinating. It is amazing how much of a change of opinion has been occuring about situations or ideas. Like the idea of having kids, when one said never!
Then I realize something important of these observations,
The person who changed was not them so much as me.
It has been such a long journey tot his point in my life. Yes, I realize 25 years is not all that long... but I mean... think about what you were doing when you were nine? I remember taking the knobs off my canopy bed and turning up the radio to sing and dance my way around myroom like I was a famous singer. I remember play acting and pretending to be the Princess, the Wicked Witch or whatever else was on the tape I was watching to entertain myself that day. I remember going outside and playing the most complicated form of hide and go seek possible, up and over playground equipment and all through the neighborhood's back yards.
And now...
I dunno. It might be fun to have a place of my own. Like really my own, and be able to enjoy glancing out the window to see my own kids playing and trying to figure out what the world was like. It might be fun to directly teach another young child the things that people taught to me. You know, like shooting rubber bands, and how to run properly through sprinklers for the full effect. The rules of freeze tag, and why 1 2 3 not it, doesn't really work.
Is it bad that in such a world of high craziness that I would almost seek a very peaceful existance? Away from gaming, away from those I know now... I dunno, just by myself for the most part? In a place and a situation where I can just be me. Where I can go to work, read books, fiddle on the internet, but at the end of the day, sack out in front of the television with another to argue over something mediocre like.. who cares. The color of the drapes or why a computer is probably not the best expense of one's paycheck.
I want a new car. I mean, a really new car. Something new and fresh. I can't afford it now, but I want something new.
I grow tired of eating out. I grow tired of eating in. I grow tired of a world that seems so much my own and so familiar and yet, so distant and confusing. It is so clear what path I should take in my life up to a point when I actually have to make good on my directions to myself. Then it seems so unclear, uncertain... I doubt and then today...
I realized something even more important.
The other people with me know which way I need to go. I just need to go that way. They know, and they are waiting for me to act upon the impulse that drives and sways my life.
What does this mean in the short term?
Nothing really.
It just means that as much as I say fate is a fickle bitch, and it devours my soul, the one thing that has remained constant....
well.
Fate is not nearly as cruel as she is made out to be.
And the person I still want to have my kids with, who I want to take care of, the one who I want to defend my family as the head of it, is still there. Do I think he is waiting for me? Naw, nothing so romantical as that... I just think that the path for us is a lot longer than most would claim for themselves in an age of such fast moving technology. And that makes me smile....
For everything I can be, and everything I will be is still possible. And in the ends, when I have the shining faces of my kids asking me how I met their dad, and when did we get married, ect.. I can say with certainty that we came together when it was best for us, for how it should be. The misery and uncertainy was worth it.
Perfect is not a real number.
True Happiness is a Hollywoodism.
Friends are support, they are light, they are your biggest enemy at times.
Enemies are there for the enjoyment of comparison.
Jealousy is not worth it, but it can make life spark and move.
Longing is a human condition, just as important as food and water.
Sex is nice, but flirtatious energy with someone who loves you is so much better. Sex without the spark, the knowledge of forever and also with the dash of For Now, is not even worth the time it takes to work yourself into abandon. You do not have to be good at it for it to be the most increadibly moving experiance in your life.
Opposites do not Attract,and even the most unlikely of people on the surface have some simularities if you look beneath. There is always the ability t o find the most common denometer and the only people who have to understand the comonality are those inside the relationship.
Fuck the world. Their opinions are cruel, thoughtless. They cannot understand half, even if you are so overcome with happiness that you shine and glow. So enjoy your glowing, your shine, for it will light your way in darkness.
I love you sweetie.