so yeah... just a rant about my life.. whatever..

[nrthrngrl2005]

Spring break was a blast.. i had a lot of fun.. but it was really hard to leave.. and most people wouldnt really understand.. they all say "yeah, i know.. its always hard to leave the warm weather and gorgeous scenery" but thats not it at all.. when i say a guy is involved most people immediately say "oh, just a spring break fling.. no biggy.. everyone has one of those.. itll pass.." but its more then that.. which is wierd.. i knew the guy 5 days.. but it is still more.. and i dont know what to do because people just think i should move on with my life and go out with the guys here.. well its a little difficult.. i cant focus on anything.. im not happy like i was before.. on top of that, i dont know if i want to stay here.. when you dont get what you want (like getting into the nursing program, which isnt a big deal, but that means i have to reevaluate everything) it puts a damper on the future.. so when im asked to move somewhere else, i begin to contemplate whether or not its a good idea.. there are many positive things that would come out of it.. but then there are some negatives too.. questions fill my head.. questions that i dont know how to answer.. do i want to be here?? do i really want to stay in school?? do i want to move to florida?? should i just go home and get an apartment there?? should i transfer schools?? what should i major in? (and i have to figure out classes for next year NOW!!) have i seriously screwed my life up?? what would i do if the test was positive?? WHERE IS MY LIFE HEADED?? i just wish things could go back to first semester.. i was sincerely happy all the time.. oh.. and on top of dealing with my life, im trying to figure out how to help my family.. I HATE MY DAD!! i cant stand to see them sufferring.. but my mom wont tell me anything.. she hardly even talks to me any more.. and my dad only calls me on occassion when he is drunk.. and my sisters dont really talk to me much anymore either.. christle says she feels bad.. but none of them can even be happy for me.. they say that they are, but then they look at their life and wish that they had gone to school.. they see that i might be able to do whatever i want (if i dont royally FUCK everything up) and they cant.. my dad cant even get a fucking job.. not that hes been trying lately, but in the fall he tried for a little while and no where would hire him.. so basically, im going home for the summer to try and earn enough money for me to pay for school and support my sisters.. I HATE THIS!! it makes me want to move to florida.. just to get far enough away to not deal with this shit anymore.. but if i went down there would i go to school?? would things actually work out?? i just dont know anymore.. for now im going to stay.. for now im going to hope that he comes to visit me and i can go visit him.. for now im going to sit back and cry while i know that my mom is letting my dad be an ass.. because there is nothing i can do.. and it hurts.. i dont like this feeling.. so much going on.. so much to think about.. its hard to focus on my school work..

and the good one is so far away.. i cant even lay in his arms when i need to be held.. his way of dealing with me not being there, getting drunk every night.. :(

why cant it be easier?? why cant i just let go and let things happen?? instead, i dwell on it.. i let it tear me up inside..

when i say i just need to be alone, its the truth.. i just need to cry by myself and then go to sleep.. there is nothing anyone can do to make me feel better.. it all just makes me cry even more.. cuz i dont feel worthy of the praise that people give me..

sorry to anyone who actually read this.. didnt mean to waste a couple minutes of your life.. just needed to rant and its easier to type then write it in a journal on paper.. ha ha.. and my life really isnt that rough.. its better then it has been in the past.. but now im just dealing with actually growing up.. and i wish i didnt right now..