Not having a pity party, or begging for attention...just expressing myself the best way I know how.
I'm not quite sure what's going on inside my head, I feel like a different person. I've gone through such drastic changes in my life in just the past 8 months, that I'm starting to feel like nothing will ever be solid. It is not until a month or two ago that I let my guard down, and I am constantly reminded of why I never trusted anyone. It is naive, but saves a lot of aggrivation. I spit out words, and feelings that no one understands - and I am left ultimately alone, with no one to truly get why and how I feel certain ways. Another thing that is so hard, is being aware that negativity is totally perpetuated by myself. I know both ends of the spectrums, which makes it even more confusing to ever be upset, or let things get to me. A handful of problems have been relentlessly haunting my life for the past few weeks, and I get so worked up. It's not even annoying, they are heart-wrenching. On top of feeling ten times more emotional and lonely, I've been extremely indicisive and self concious. These problems go hand and hand with the negativity vs. positivity. It's driving me crazy, to know both sides and be feeling the worse. I almost feel apathetic, because I have been put in such a bad mood about myself. I feel as if I'm the most idiotic, immature, piece of shit ever. Whats crazy, is I know that I'm not. In every aspect, I'm teetering. Either I'm crazy, or everyone else is type thing. I want to push on, out of this mind-fuck and be content. There are so many external problems that I am faced with everyday, like everyone else, that hinders my inspiration and determination. I know everyone around me feels as if they are stuck, and never going to progress. I always talk about change, and how it has to come - but it's really starting to hurt me.
I have so many dreams, opinions, aspirations and ideas...and it scares the shit out of me, to think that I might not be able to live them all out. I will compare my situation right now to a faulty spiral staircase. I am ambitious enough to aim for the top, but I keep falling whether or not if it's under my control. I'm not quite sure what to do, but I'm so sick of being upset, and feeling so fucking sad. Everything in my life is flip-flopping.
Another thing that has ben bothering me: I've had a problem with communicating with males ever since I was little. Everytime I attempt to talk to my dad about anything remotely serious, or emotional all I can do is cry. I don't know why I do it, I'm assuming it could be an underlying feeling of inferiority. I talked to Sam, and she has the same problem. This bothers me, and always has. Is it normal to fee like that around your own family, and close people you are supposed to trust?
I have so many dreams, opinions, aspirations and ideas...and it scares the shit out of me, to think that I might not be able to live them all out. I will compare my situation right now to a faulty spiral staircase. I am ambitious enough to aim for the top, but I keep falling whether or not if it's under my control. I'm not quite sure what to do, but I'm so sick of being upset, and feeling so fucking sad. Everything in my life is flip-flopping.
Another thing that has ben bothering me: I've had a problem with communicating with males ever since I was little. Everytime I attempt to talk to my dad about anything remotely serious, or emotional all I can do is cry. I don't know why I do it, I'm assuming it could be an underlying feeling of inferiority. I talked to Sam, and she has the same problem. This bothers me, and always has. Is it normal to fee like that around your own family, and close people you are supposed to trust?