Why does my independence threaten my mother?

[tisha313]

I still live at home and currently I am trying to find a way out. I am in my 20s. My mother is still very abusive. I don't know if its jealousy or some type of personality disorder. She definitely exhibits traits of narcissism

Comments

[eirein]

She keeps you around because she's deeply mentally unwell, and rips down your soul so you'd stay around with lies, because you're a fine person who she needs to feed on for her lifeblood.

I wish I could give you a hug. I wish I could help you move out.

I just want you to know that you don't have to do this alone. Reach out to any friends who may help in any way possible, if you can. Don't be ashamed of having life dealing you a shitty hand, and don't feel ashamed for reaching out for help because you think you have to "take care of your own shit" or something like that. The world away from abusive people runs on people helping each other out (and it's crazy beautiful out there, I think).

Have you tried to see if there are counselling services in your school? I tried mine and was surprised that they had a social services worker there to help. It helped a lot with my situation.

I had a narcissistic mother--she never got violent after I grew up, but she constantly held money over my head. I saved up all my money and lied and said I spent it on stupid shit like luxury meals because I wanted to keep up with the 'right kind of people' and things like that. I let her rage about it while I planned to get out--it was easier to let her rage about things I never did because it was a way of protecting myself. Having a counsellor to talk me through the experience was very helpful to figure out the patterns to n-mom's behaviours (or just remind me that I knew them all already), and learned to live a sort of fake life with her to protect myself.

When I planned my escape, I laid low, and pretended that I was trying to get along with her. I let n-mom have little things to blow up at as to not tip off her suspicions. My n-mom went through my stuff sometimes too...but I also lived in a corner of the house where she basically stored all the extra crap in the house she didn't want to look at, and I just hid stuff where she couldn't be bothered to look. I highly recommend opening two bank accounts and only showing your mother records for one of them. Don't make it too easy or else she'll get suspicious--but, I don't know. N-mom was so self-absorbed that as long as I played into it she never looked further. Borderline parents may be different.

I had help from my father moving out, but finances were tight for a while. It's important to get out as soon as possible, to save yourself the extra damage you'll get from being in a constantly hostile environment. But having the money helps, and especially helps with not moving back in. If it is possible to get your NCLEX and finding a job as a nurse, it would be good.

Hope that helps a bit, in any way.

And well, I'll pray for you. If nothing else you can keep on posting in this community and know that people somewhere are reading and care for you.