Why does my independence threaten my mother?
I still live at home and currently I am trying to find a way out. I am in my 20s. My mother is still very abusive. I don't know if its jealousy or some type of personality disorder. She definitely exhibits traits of narcissism
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I moved away for a year. NMom cried, begged and pleaded for me to stay. My dad(who I suspect is Narcisstic or Borderline as well) had no qualms about me leaving. He tortured me all the years i lived at home by making comments that "If it were up to me I would have kicked you out on the street on your 18th birthday". When I moved out, he never called me the whole year that I was gone. He acted like I never existed. He also blames me for my mother's behavior and once made a comment that he doesn't see me any differently from my mother. He said we were the 'same person'. If they have an argument, he drags me into it by saying "the two of you are crazy." And the argument has absolutely nothing to do with me. It's weird.
When I moved out, NMom stayed in contact. And it felt like I still lived at home. She'd call me up to nag, and tell me what I needed to do with my life. I also had a lawsuit resulting from a car accident, and she would call the lawyer inquiring about the pending action. The lawyer called me and said "Please do not have your mother call me asking about the status of your case. I am not required to give this information to her by law." I had NO idea she even called my lawyer. We weren't even living together. I felt humilated. Again, I felt that I was being blamed for her unacceptable behavior. the lawyer just kept reiterating that I should not "allow" my mother to call inquiring about the status of my case.
Once when my mom came to visit, I went downstairs to do some laundry, and she went through my things. She probably was trying to see how much money I had saved up. She's always suspicous. It's pointless to address this to her because she gets so irrational and illogical, and will not own up to her own behavior. I just let it go. It was a fruitless endeavor. Living at home, she regularly goes through my things. She has found things in the most oddest places. I bought a book about Narcisstic Mothers and she found that. I can't keep anything from her. She feels as if she is entitled to know everything there is to know about me
Financial reasons led me back home. My mother and father do not pay for my education at all. (thank God). However mom helps me out, and I notice that after she goes into one of her rages about something, she tries to bribe me with materialistic things. Like a new purse, or outfit or something.
Dad is miserable as usual. Constantly nitpicking. He complains that I am in my room to much(I work from home), but we live in a small house. And he's verbally and emotionally abusive. So I hide away from him to sheild away from his verbal insults and browbeating. Additionally, he takes over the living room, and the basement. If I were to watch tv in the living room, he'd bytch and complain that I spend too much time in there. No matter where I reside in the house, he'll lodge a complaint that I spend too much time there. And if I leave the house, he'll complain that I burn up all the fuel in the gas tank--even though I fill it up each time I use the car
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I wish I could give you a hug. I wish I could help you move out.
I just want you to know that you don't have to do this alone. Reach out to any friends who may help in any way possible, if you can. Don't be ashamed of having life dealing you a shitty hand, and don't feel ashamed for reaching out for help because you think you have to "take care of your own shit" or something like that. The world away from abusive people runs on people helping each other out (and it's crazy beautiful out there, I think).
Have you tried to see if there are counselling services in your school? I tried mine and was surprised that they had a social services worker there to help. It helped a lot with my situation.
I had a narcissistic mother--she never got violent after I grew up, but she constantly held money over my head. I saved up all my money and lied and said I spent it on stupid shit like luxury meals because I wanted to keep up with the 'right kind of people' and things like that. I let her rage about it while I planned to get out--it was easier to let her rage about things I never did because it was a way of protecting myself. Having a counsellor to talk me through the experience was very helpful to figure out the patterns to n-mom's behaviours (or just remind me that I knew them all already), and learned to live a sort of fake life with her to protect myself.
When I planned my escape, I laid low, and pretended that I was trying to get along with her. I let n-mom have little things to blow up at as to not tip off her suspicions. My n-mom went through my stuff sometimes too...but I also lived in a corner of the house where she basically stored all the extra crap in the house she didn't want to look at, and I just hid stuff where she couldn't be bothered to look. I highly recommend opening two bank accounts and only showing your mother records for one of them. Don't make it too easy or else she'll get suspicious--but, I don't know. N-mom was so self-absorbed that as long as I played into it she never looked further. Borderline parents may be different.
I had help from my father moving out, but finances were tight for a while. It's important to get out as soon as possible, to save yourself the extra damage you'll get from being in a constantly hostile environment. But having the money helps, and especially helps with not moving back in. If it is possible to get your NCLEX and finding a job as a nurse, it would be good.
Hope that helps a bit, in any way.
And well, I'll pray for you. If nothing else you can keep on posting in this community and know that people somewhere are reading and care for you.
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