Lets make some changes
So, I'm going to make a 2nd post today. I decided why not read through some old LJ entries and get a laugh... well, I'm not really laughing. It made me miss a lot of people, it made me feel pretty disappointed in myself. It made me wonder if I've actually changed any.
To be fair, LJ was usually my place to vent the bad parts of my life, all of my problems. I didn't so much use it when good things happened, or at least I didn't feel like talking about those things. So perhaps my past isn't quite as dismal as it seems to be based on this journal, but am I kidding myself? The past now... is a blurry image. It's like a blurry photograph, scanned onto a computer then saved and re-saved a thousnad times until you can barely make out the original image. I have a vague idea of what life was like back then but since it was so obvious horrible I tried to bury most of it.
I counted so many times when I clearly understood I was lost in drugs and needed to get sober and talked about doing it and yet the next day I'd talk about the same thign as if the idea of getting better never came to fruition. And it never did, for years and years I talked about how I needed to change and never did. I still do that. Sometimes becasue I'm too embarrased to tell the truth and sometimes just to convince myself I'm right when I know I'm not. So have I really changed?
Every day that passes is like 24 hours worth of new information getting tossed onto a massive pile of memories. This pile doesn't really get smaller, the pages get torn and worn out but they still exist, and they keep stacking up. A lot of the time I try to quanitfy my existence. Who am I? I have this extensive collection of experiences that combine to make me who I am but I've never been able to really make sense of it. What kind of person am I? Am I an inherently good person who makes bad deciisions? Am I actually as intellegent as people tell me I am or is that all bullshit? If you were to base my level of intellegence soley on LJ posts it would appear that I'm quite a magnificent idiot. Over and over again.
So lets change that.
I'd like to continue updatign this journal as I've reached a point in life where I really do have stuff to say, positive things, too! And of course some bad things as well. But the way I presented my life in the past was of poor quality. I just seemed to crave pity and a level of understanding no one could have ever given me.
Fuck that.
Let's try this again, lets add something new here that extends on all the bad, lets see how much I can grow.
Since I got sober on April 1st, 2015 life has been set on a new course for me. That is the beginning of life as I know it now, everything that happened before was a mistake, or a series of mistakes I had to make to get where I am now. This new life is... contentment. It is not happiness, It is not love, it isn't even accomplishments. It's just me, starting back at zero. A clean slate.
I have done more hiking in the last month than I've done in YEARS! I feel alive again. According to my friends and photographs taken of me over the last 5 years I had become sort of a zombie. Lost a significant amount of weight and color in my skin. I am thankfully not like that now! Even in a few short months my health has gone way up, i've become so much more active and alive and just plain AWAKE! I can THINK again, fuck!
Mari is speaking to me again. That is a big deal to me. The last posts I made before I ended my LJ posting spree were about her. In fact I think the reason i stopped posting was entirely becasue I got so depressed when we broke up that I didn't even care for this thing anymore. She ddin't speak to me for quite a while. She is now. It's nice being able to talk to her normally, without feeling compelled to "get her back" which I think would be a fruitless effort at this point. The important thing is, I have my friend back on some level and that is pretty cool.
What else...
I guess it's worth noting for history's sake that parts of my past still haven't left me.
I wrote a lot about Kirsten on here. The beautiful and quirky girl from California who I actually MET on LJ over 10 years ago. We had an online relationship back then, somethign that you'd think by now would jsut be a footnote in my memroy, but nope. I still talk to her every single day. She's the first person I speak to when I wake up usually exectp now we do it through texts instead of on AIM. This situation is strange and I don't feel like explainign the details right now but long story short: She fell in love with one of my best friends here in Littleton during my absense, and he fell for her. This has bothered me for a very long time. I love Jason, he's been my buddy for far too long not to. He's also someone who understands me better than most people, he is my homie if you are into early 2000s slang. For a long time I stopped being in love with the quirky girl 3000 miles away. Then I found her again.
Now Kirsten is tangeld up in some stuff. Over the years her daughter has grown older and cute (and I feel terrible for the horrible post I made years ago about how she couldnt raise a kid, I was totally wrong) and she's also become religious. That bothered me a lot at first. I couldn't even speak to her the same way, she was a different person after finding god. I hated it... but eventually I accepted it becasue I wanted her in my life. She has loosened up a bit on that over the last few years and talking to her now does feel normal... she actually flirst with me again. We flirt a lot. We still talk about what it would be like to meet eachother... and we talk about how she's still in love with my best friend. I even talk about it with HIM considering, well... right now I spend a lot of time with this guy. I didn't even know what was going on with them until he started spending more time with me these past few months. It's hard to accept how he feels about her and accept that hes still my best friend at the same time.
I am not sure if anyhting will ever happen between Kirsten and I. I wouldn't rule anything out, though, as life has shown me that the craziest shit can happen.
I want something to happen, even 10 years later, 10 years of never meeting her... I still want to, so badly. That is weird. That is a part of my past I thought I left behind so long ago and yet every morning I wake up to a message from her and most of our conversations end in emoticon hearts to express the feelings we are too afraid to face in person.
Who knows, maybe Jason will fly down there and meet her... maybe my best friend will end up with the girl I've loved for so long who I never got to meet. I hope not, but I wouldn't be surprised!
So yeah, that happened... is happening.
Fuck.
What else...
Being sober is incredibly boring. There's that. Like... in-fucking-credibly boring. I'm ok with that. I deserved that. Lulz
So, is my LJ going to get more possitive or remain as fucked as it always was? TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT! =O